Raising Parents

So you think raising children is difficult? Try raising parents. Yes, you read that right--raising parents. As your parents age, unless you are completely disconnected from them for your own reasons, you will have to deal with the sometimes less than graceful transition from independent living to assistance and care. The thing is, you are not dealing with children, you are dealing with grown up adults who have their own opinions on how things should happen and what should happen, and that creates conflicts.

My parents are not in the best of health. My dad is not in good health at all, and is in fact in the hospital right now due to neglect of an open wound. He is diabetic and now has an infection, which seems to be responding well to treatment with antibiotics. He has other self-care issues that are lingering on, a year past their inception. His circulation in his lower extremities is extremely poor, and it is just a matter of time until he has a leg amputation. I'm not being cynical here, it's just the way it is. You can take one look at his leg and see how bad the damage from diabetes is--it's badly discolored and he has swelling problems sometimes.

Of course my dad being my dad, is being stubborn and insists he is taking good enough care of himself. What my dad and mom fail to understand is "good enough" is not good enough where diabetes and circulatory issues are concerned. The care has to be perfect, or there will be degeneration to the point of amputation. That's just the way it is with this disease.

The trouble is, my parents either don't understand enough about the disease, don't care, or are choosing to ignore it and hoping it will go away. It won't.

This is the crux of the problem. Looking at the issue from my eyes, there is only one obvious solution for quality of life and longevity purposes. The fact that my dad is NOT choosing this solution is leading me to question what he hopes to get out of the remaining time on this planet--a nice view from a wheelchair or hospital bed? Is he trying to kill himself? The fact that I am seriously asking myself that is a real measure of how deeply I don't understand what he is doing. And I don't understand my mom's complete enabling and passive response to it. I DON'T GET IT, and it's maddening. How the heck as an adult child am I supposed to respond to something so clearly WRONG and poorly chosen? Is it an act of love to treat it as if it were nothing, and move along without saying anything? This is my parents' preference, and I just don't see how that is right if I love my dad and want him to be healthy and enjoy a good quality of life. How do you "raise" an aging parent? Right now, I have no idea.

I hope I find some way of relating to Dad and Mom in a manner that respects their independence while informing them of my opinion. And really, is it appropriate for me to voice that opinion? They are my parents, not my children. What sort of obligation do we really have to inform and mildly try to correct what we perceive as willful errors on the part of an aging parent? What does the Bible say about it? I haven't found much guidance other than "Honor your father and your mother." What is more honoring to them--to take their cue as long as they aren't incapable of looking after themselves any more (mentally or physically), or to speak up when you see something that is hurting them, out of the love you have for them? I don't know, and it sucks having to navigate this minefield. *sigh* Dear Lord, help me.