Parenting Cheaply

A friend posted a BBC article to their Facebook page recently. It was from the BBC, touting the increased pressures of child-rearing these days, and estimated the cost for raising a child to be more than £210,000! In the article they talk about how everything is about fashion and design in baby gear, how you can spend £1200 on a stroller, and that everything needs to be coordinated in the nursery. People are spending more on their kids' clothes than I spend on mine (which admittedly is not much, but still folks, your kid does not need designer baby clothes).

Then on the radio I hear parents talking about how busy they are, taking their son to baseball practice, daughter to violin lessons, both of them to karate lessons, plus piano lessons, plus language lessons. Really, this is important for a six year old? An eight year old?

I tell you what, I must be a miserable parent, because I buy my kids clothes on clearance and sometimes the thrift store, and I don't care what brand it is as long as it fits. I don't take my kids to ANY lessons. They go to and from school, and they play outside when the weather is nice and they play inside when it's not nice. They don't have Gameboys or DS's, or iPods. They don't know how to use the Wii other than to do Wii bowling about every two months or so. They don't really want to learn how to play the Wii, to be honest. Is that because my husband and I don't play it that much either? Possibly. My kindergartener can navigate around a bit on the old desktop, where she is allowed to go to two websites to play games. She does this about...well, I can't remember when she did it last.

I tell you what my kids do. They fold their own laundry (except for the baby). They earn quarters for doing extra chores, and they are expected to keep their rooms navigable and to bus their own table, so to speak. They help put away the dishes. They match socks. They even (occasionally) help pull weeds outside. They play with each other, all sorts of crazy imaginative games. They ride their bikes (very popular this year). They draw with chalk, they do their own crafts, they play with the harps or drums or keyboard, they make up silly songs, they dance around to the radio. They play with worms outside, dig in the dirt, plant flower seeds and veggies, and eat strawberries straight from the plants when they are in season. Pretty terrible life, huh?

I just look at all these kids with schedules so complicated their parents need to use their Blackberry to keep track of them, and I wonder--what the heck are those kids going to remember about their childhood? I know it's a novel thought, but what about just letting kids be kids? Yes, it is more work for parents, because somebody else isn't supervising them, they have to learn to get along with each other, and they have to be creative about how to entertain themselves or play by themselves. They have to learn to judge what is a good idea and what is a bad idea when it comes to entertaining themselves (drenching Mom with a hose while she gardens? Bad! Stacking rocks & building a rock fort? Good!) I don't think my kids are going to be deprived in high school for not doing dance, band, every sport imaginable, and music lessons from the age of four. Somehow I managed just fine and turned out to be successful, and I'm pretty sure my kids can too. So why spend the money and deal with the stress, and stress out your kids? I just don't get it!

The Ado-Man

My husband and I have noticed a disturbing pattern among some of our married friends--the ado-man (short for adolescent man). Usually this man is in his late twenties to early forties, and surprisingly he has not really settled down into any stable job or career field. Instead he has flitted from job to job, often because he is "bored" with what he was doing, or it wasn't challenging enough, or it just didn't suit his temperament, etc. Most of the time, these men are also married with young children, and tend to be quite traditional in their marriages and childrearing preferences--i.e. they prefer that their wives stay home with their children, they are the "boss" of the household.

What is really disturbing to us is that these men seem incapable of providing any sort of sustainable support for their families, but they can't seem to connect the dots to their own decisions. Losing a job is "bad luck" and not due to the fact they were bored with work and stopped giving their best. The fact their wives have to scrimp, save, buy the scratch & dent cans and shop at Goodwill for their kids' clothes (NTTAWT) doesn't register when they go out and blow $500 on a Bose surround sound system because "Hey, I haven't treated myself to anything for a while and sometimes you just gotta do it, you know?" These same guys will buy themselves a new truck every two years because they feel like it (while their wife's car, the chief family transport, is held together with baling wire), have poker night with their buddies at their house even when their ten month old is teething and dealing with a miserable ear infection, and then they don't understand why their wives get so hopping mad that they are making a lot of noise and staying up until past midnight.

DH and I have encountered repeated species of these males and frankly we are just baffled. Just when do we hit the "Grow Up!" button for the American male of the species? What is wrong with our society that we give a pass to these guys hanging on to the good old days of teendom, when they have adult commitments, relationships, and very real fiscal needs? I get the traditional marriage, but frankly if you aren't providing LEADERSHIP to your family, then you aren't cut out for the male role in a traditional marriage! If you aren't leading by example, showing your kids that yes, sometimes your job is NOT your passion, but that's okay because you need to feed, clothe, and house your family, what kind of message does that send to them? What does it say to your wife when you SAY you support her, but every action is a sabotage to your financial stability and a demonstration of your lack of respect for her wants and needs?

Now that's not to say that the wives in these cases aren't responsible too. I would probably have quite a strong argument with my husband if he weren't pulling his weight in our marriage or family. And I have to say that some of these women are not communicating with their husbands. They complain to their friends but don't actually talk to their husbands about what has them so hopping mad a lot of the time. Is it any wonder we see the rate of divorce we see in the Christian church? Yeah, all of these examples are in CHRISTIAN households.

I just really mourn the lack of good, strong male role models. In an age where marriage is increasingly irrelevant, the whole idea of "service" to your marriage and family is fast falling out of favor. One need only look at the single parent phenomenon in African American households to see how ugly this gets when the dad is allowed a complete pass on responsibility. What is even more frightening is that moms are getting in on the act now, too. It seems increasingly common for moms to be committed in early childhood years, then to get tired of solely shouldering the responsibilities for childraising and leave their teens to go solo (figuratively speaking). Sometimes this takes the form of highly structured schedules, which has the added bonus of making Mom feel like a good parent, because John and Judy are in band, cheer, every sport imaginable, Mandarin, and a host of other "college ready" extracurriculars. Of course John & Judy are so busy you never get to talk to them, and they never get a break, but that's just preparing them for the "real world". Or you just stop listening to your kids, don't make an effort to understand them any more. Hey, it's just because they're teenagers, right? Eventually they will sort it all out and move out for college--the hard part is done. Yeah, because we all know how well that absentminded parenting works for teenagers.

I think we need to be honest with ourselves. Marriages take work. Families require solid commitments. That means sometimes (a lot of the time) you are working at a job that, at its best, drives you crazy sometimes. But you do what you need to do to put food on the table. If you want to "find yourself", "follow your passion", or "find the job you love", you wait to do it when you aren't putting your marriage and family under tremendous strain in the process. If that means drastically changing your lifestyle with everyone's agreement, so that you can afford to start your business or chase your dream, great! But if that is not possible, you need to be mature enough to recognize it and postpone it until you aren't putting other people's lives and well-being at risk. I realize that flies in the face of our hedonistic society, but you really AREN'T priority #1 when you have kids and a marriage. I'm not saying you don't need to take care of yourself, but you can't take care of yourself to the exclusion and detriment of all others. And you need to be involved in parenting your kids, period. Your wife is not the exclusive caregiver if the kids are under X years of age. You ARE responsible for the messages your behavior sends to them. You DO have to sacrifice some of your personal pleasures. It's called being a grown-up--how about trying it sometime, Mr. Ado-male?

Portland on a Monday

For the sake of our sanity, my husband and I took the family on a little weekend getaway this past weekend to make up for the crappy summer we just endured with his tendon rupture, surgery, recovery, etc. We toodled down the coast to Oregon, where we spent a happy two days running around Cannon Beach and reminiscing about all the geeky glory of "The Goonies" (filmed in Cannon Beach) and keeping our eyes peeled for a Spanish doubloon, tossed ashore from the tremendous storm that pummeled our self-catering accommodation the previous evening. (As an aside, it appears that the script writers could have been inspired by a local legend, as a Spanish galleon did sink off the coast there several hundred years ago, "laden with gold" and it has never been found...dum dum dum!)

However, the weather was not entirely conducive to happy ramblings by the sea (see aforementioned "storm"), and we decided to relocate to Portland for our final weekend evening, and enjoy some of the sights that it has to offer. If God had ever had a clearer way of saying, "MISTAKE!", I don't know what it was, but for sure the hour it took us to navigate our way through downtown Portland's morass of one-way streets was a blinking hint. For starters, parts of the city had been closed for the Portland Marathon--oh joy. Fortuitously, this was wrapping up when we arrived, so most streets were reopened. However, not the streets near our hotel (of course), so we had to inch along with everyone else in the single lane allocated to the plebeian motorists. You see, Portland has a snazzy electric tram/train line, and it has its own lane and separate signals (oblique white and yellow rectangles surreptitiously placed on the right at every intersection). This is frustrating for tourists, as you see no one moving and no hint of a reason why, except suddenly a tram whooshes by and you finally figure out after the fourth signal that, oh, over there, those rectangle lights must mean a tram is coming. Helpful, Portland people, oh so helpful.

Then, of course the middle lane is allocated exclusively to buses, and there were a steady number of them bustling about. However, and I hate to be unkind, a large part of the time these lanes, too, were sitting empty, while the poor motorists were all inching along. While I recognize the value of encouraging public transport, I have to ask myself if it's really worth alienating all visitors to your fair city by punishing the car patrons so vindictively? Because alongside these lanes are road markings not covered in any non-Oregon DMV class. We had a double white line separating the bus lane from the car lane, with nary a clue or hint offered to visitors as to what that meant. We just sort of figured out that it meant cars go over here, to the left of the double white line, but then we saw cars cutting into the bus lane to turn left or right and didn't know if that was okay? You see, that is the problem with going outside of the standard playbook for road markings, you leave non-natives scratching their heads and saying, "What the hell does this mean? Can I turn or can I not?" And consequently I am sure that we pissed off our fair share of Oregonians by not turning when we probably could have, just to be on the safe side and avoid getting a ticket.

Which brings up the one-way streets. Now we are quite familiar with Seattle, which has an ample supply of one-way streets. However, Seattle has at least stuck with the sensible route: if you have one way streets, you alternate them, and you allow for turning as required, so people only have to circumnavigate one block at most to reach their destination. Quick, logical, and fairly painless when dealing with one-way streets. Portland, however, has decided (again, for reasons which utterly escape the non-native, and quite possibly escape the natives as well) that seemingly arbitrary "No Right Turn" and "No Left Turn" signs will be placed in succession on roads, leading cars four, five, six, yea even eight blocks further on than they would wish to go. I kid you not people, we were unable to turn for eight blocks. To add insult to injury, we found ourselves forced across bridges by the turn restrictions, then hopelessly trying to turn ourselves around again and playing "Hurry up GPS and recalculate" while trying to find our hotel, and then its appointed parking lot. IT WAS SO BAD MY HUSBAND REFUSED TO MOVE THE CAR FROM THE NON-HOTEL PARKING GARAGE TO THE HOTEL GARAGE ONE BLOCK OVER. For a man committed to parking in the OFFICIAL hotel garage (as if that magically conveys some protection against thievery), that says quite a bit.

Then there was the whole quest for the Portland attractions we were interested in visiting. Columbus Day weekend, not everyone had the day off on Monday, but still, a fair number of folks and their kids are off and possibly looking to do something. We drove to the Japanese garden and got there as it closed at 4 pm on Sunday. Yes, I was a bit pissed about that. Gorgeous fall day, holiday weekend, but hey, our seasonal hours say from 1st October we close at 4, so by golly that is what we do, Indian summer or not! But this is the same irritation I have with attractions here in the Seattle area so I grumbled about it and we said we will see stuff tomorrow, and dragged ourselves hotel-ward. (As a side note I will say it is not a wheelchair friendly garden and was poorly signed as such, which outraged me on behalf of my friend who is in a wheelchair, but I digress.)

We decided after some food and laboriously picking our way back to the hotel (from the opposite direction after finding a restaurant across the river, of course) that we would go to the Oregon Museum of Science and Industry (OMSI), which has a great reputation and is supposedly great for kids, families, etc. Woohoo! And woke up the next day to find that it was closed. On a Monday. Because it's apparently always closed on Mondays, except for certain holiday weekends. But not Columbus Day weekend, because Portland schools don't take that as a holiday, don't you know? No, you didn't know that? We didn't either, and I doubt any tourists to Portland on a holiday weekend know it. And the Portland Children's Museum? Closed on Mondays. Which, quite frankly, boggles my mind. Seattle has about the same population, and by some amazing feat the Seattle Children's Museum manages to keep their doors open seven days a week. The Seattle Science Center during the winter closes on TUESDAYS...in other words, they avoid closing on days which are likely to be holidays, like Mondays or Fridays. Hmmmmmmm, Portland, I think you could learn a lesson about being tourist friendly from your city neighbor to the north!

So we could have gone to the Portland zoo, but frankly it felt like a waste of money to go to the zoo in Portland, when have two perfectly good zoos here at home. We could have gone back to the Japanese garden when it was open (or the Chinese garden for that matter), but facing the tranquility of an Asian garden with 3 refreshed, energized children first thing in the morning is quite a bit different from facing it with 3 tired, more compliant children in the brilliance of the midafternoon, before the witching hour sets in. Faced with the prospect of continually telling them not to touch things and "Stop! No!", annoying the other guests, we decided to beat feet along the one way, no turn paths toward home. We did stop and enjoy the kids' first corn maze, which was fun and the same cost as the garden would have been. Somehow it was far more satisfying to plunk $12 into the hand of the family matriarch who helped plant the corn than it would have been to give it to the garden wardens, I think. No, I don't think we'll be heading back to Portland by choice any time soon. The annoyance factor vs. payoff is just too high. Now, to search for a Spanish doubloon in Cannon Beach...well, that I think we might handle again...

One Week In

So here we are, about a week into the whole "husband on crutches" thing. I'm not liking it, folks. I knew it wasn't going to be pretty, oh no, it was going to be pretty ugly. But here we are and already I'm feeling "AAACK!!" and "Bleeeeeeeech" and *gronk* and "Feh, stupid (blank)! ". And we are not even a whole week into it, people! (granted yes it is a week tomorrow but STILL!)

Life is pretty busy around here on a normal basis. It takes both my husband and I running full-steam ahead just to keep up with our preschoolers & baby. Add in the wild and crazy excitement of a dog, parrot, two jobs, a one acre property, and you have a recipe for BUSY! if there ever was one. When one of us gets sick, the other person just has to cope for a few days until the other one is back on their feet. Shortcuts get taken to make life flow smoother for everyone.

The problem with this particular situation is that we just cannot run on shortcuts for six weeks. It is just not going to fly. And in that six weeks, we have one school term ending (lots of grading and work for me), and a new one beginning for two of our children. I have put off stuff where possible to keep juggling this past week, to keep my DH off his feet as much as possible, to get him stuff when he needed it, to really pay close attention to him for the first few days after surgery when he wasn't allowed to have his foot higher than his heart. And let me just say, I don't know why anyone would WANT to take those narcotics! My husband had enough of the looped up, drugged out feeling after three days, and even at that stage he experienced some withdrawal symptoms. Whoaaaaaaa, that is NOT cool, friends. Just stay the hell away from drugs, and thankfully my husband would much prefer the discomfort/pain dulled down with plain old Tylenol than to be spaced out.

However, this has resulted in a somewhat irritable and cranky husband, and in turn it has resulted in irritable and cranky children, and an irritable and cranky wife. Have you ever noticed how children absorb your mood and just feed off of it, reflecting all the worst bits back at you at twenty-times magnification? So you can imagine what joy has reigned in our house. And well, they just don't understand that this is sort of a long haul type of process here. They see Dad up and about, albeit with those cool sticks, and they think he's all ready for their usual fun and games. And sometimes, he is, so they go about their merry business until one of them pushes it too far, someone is crying, and both are called onto the carpet and roll down that naughtiness hill until everyone is just fed up with each other and the whole day!

Well, that is my pity party for the day. It is not going to be easy to keep this family going for the next five weeks. However, talk about a massive and timely dose of perspective...just got word that a good friend and neighbor suffered a massive cardiac arrest, and is basically in a medically induced coma. Good Lord, be with our wonderful neighbors, and restore this righteous man to health. All my whingeing seems so utterly pointless now, but if You could help all in this family to put forth a bit more effort and goodwill, we would all be so very grateful. Amen.

The Summer Snafu

So, I've been busier than expected this summer. Not in a, "Wow, look at how many summer projects I've gotten done!" kind of way, but in a phone call from the dean, "Can you PLEASE teach an emergency class section this summer prettyprettyplease?" Yeah, extra money! Woohoo! I have been quite happy to receive it, and it's paid for some expected (insurance premiums) and unexpected expenses this summer (plumbing issues, dog vet bills). But you know those summer projects? They weren't exactly fun and games. We have another wall that needs to be rebuilt on our shed (which houses our well pump), and it needs to be done before the cold weather. Our fence for the backyard needs to be completed so our dog will not wander off for a jaunt around the neighborhood when our son lets her out and doesn't tell us. And the kids' playsets need to be moved/torn down. One old metal playset is probably at the end of its useful life, and I want it to be removed. The other wood playset is in a low point of the yard and ended up in standing water for several months last winter. Suffice it to say, I don't want to encourage wood rot and we need to move it to a better spot before winter sets in (with the rain and standing water).

I don't know what we are going to do about the rotting fascia boards. Our house has the craziest gutter system I have ever seen, in that, it doesn't really have gutters. Yeah, this is not such a good plan in the Pacific Northwest? Instead, there is some kind of membrane running down the roofing, sort of looped up and attached (via glue, presumably) to the top of the fascia boards. The downspouts are attached to holes cut through the actual roofing plywood, and those don't look that hot--I suspect that whoever did this kludgy work didn't properly waterseal the connections, or it has failed in time due to the poor design. So what do we have? Rotting fascia boards due to constant water exposure (I had some MUSHROOMS growing on one fascia board last winter, I kid you not). Plus "gutters" that require constant cleaning of the copious amounts of tree spurge dropping on the roof and washing down in order to get the water down through the downspouts where it belongs. And we have a kludged roof over our deck, attached again with funky flashing and membrane/tar (not clear what sort of combination it is), directly over the fascia board--so the question with the rotting board is, will it affect the structural integrity of the deck roof to pull it off and replace it? Like that is the last thing we need to be worrying about, if we attempt repair ourselves--will I pull this roof down on my head? Yeah, good times.

I had thought that maybe we could brace the deck roof temporarily, yank the fascia board, cut back the overhangs to cut off any damaged sections of the roof plywood, then attach proper gutters along everything with downspouts, etc. But then I regained my sanity and said to myself, "Self, we are the same people who cannot get a shed wall rebuilt in a timely manner, or bathroom molding cut properly without numerous (cursing) attempts...YOU ARE CRAZY to think you could do this yourselves!!" This is a home repair issue that screams THIS COULD GET CRAZY EXPENSIVE AND EXPERT-LEVEL IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE. So, probably a better plan is to save, save, save like mad things, try to minimize further damage this winter by religiously cleaning the downspouts and gutters weekly, and pray that we get enough saved to pay a professional to do this little job for us.

Anyway, I *am* finally coming up to the end of summer quarter, so in theory we *could* get the shed wall done, the fence, etc. Yeah, that was the case, until my husband injured...his big toe. Yes, this is a serious injury! My husband, while outside some damp morning about seven weeks ago in his flip flops, lost his balance and actually STOOD on his big toe. Apart from the instantaneous pain and howling, it turns out he has ruptured a very important tendon that attaches to the tip of the big toe, and keeps it straight. So now my dearest husband goes under the knife later today, so that an orthopedic surgeon who specializes in foot & ankle injuries can either a) reattach his shredded tendon (the MRI shows it is like a frayed shoelace, with a tiny bit still attached), or if it's not in good enough shape for that (it's become "fibrotic"), then he will b) detach a different tendon from the base of his big toe, and stretch it up to attach it to the top of his big toe. Yes, a single patch of moss caused all of this pain and agony. Let that be a lesson to you homeowners with moss on your sidewalks--it can be deadly! Mental note: add "rent powerwasher and powerwash all moss from sidewalks" to the summer chore list...

And guess what the recovery time is for this type of surgery? A few weeks? Naaaaaaah, that would give some hope of getting any of the NECESSARY stuff done! Nope, my husband is going to be unable to put any weight on his foot for a MONTH. Crutches and a crawling baby, what a fun combination! And, then he will have a walking cast for another month. Yippee! Followed by an orthopedic shoe and physical therapy. All for a big toe, which I already knew was very important for balance and all that, but crikey that is a long time!

So what are my chances of getting any of these important projects done, by myself, in the next eight weeks? HAHAHAHA! Yeah, I think the same. Unfortunately, I don't exactly have a big wad o' cash to plonk down to pay someone else to do them for me. So where am I? Well, apart from going bonkers trying to figure out how the hell I'm going to get this stuff done, I am poking at the dead carcass of my "extra money budget" and saying, "Well? WELL?? Come on now, I need some more!" And reminding myself that when push comes to shove, as it inevitably has, we have more than enough for our basic needs and we are thus very, very blessed compared to the rest of the world. It's just hard to have started summer with this list of stuff to do, knowing it's important, and now be staring down the eyeballs of what's left of summer and seeing it all go "poof". What should I prioritize? I don't know, I really don't. I'm thinking the shed wall, and see what else we can kludge with the help of very generous friends. But we have such a small good weather window, I would be lying if I said I wasn't very, very disappointed with the turn of events. It just goes to show that even if it's wet and rainy in the spring, you can't delay this stuff. It really does slip away faster than you think.

Illegal Immigration

Look, I am not going to bore you with personal tales about dealing with legal immigration in the U.S. I'm just going to say flat out that I do not have sympathy for illegal immigrants. Period. I know what my family has personally gone through to do things the LEGAL WAY, and it cost us a lot of money, both in actual Ouch check-writing moments, as well as in many hours spent poring over documentation, standing in line at the INS office, going to the immigration attorney's office, etc.

The fact is, if my family member had to go through the process of becoming a legal permanent resident alien (aka green card holder) again today, it would cost us $3500+ in fees alone from start to finish (not including immigration attorney costs, or duplicating costs for paperwork, or doctor's fees for shots or photo fees, etc).

An illegal immigrant pays none of that, unless of course s/he was in the country before 1986. Then s/he can pay $1400+ and become a permanent resident alien. If the illegal immigrant entered the country after 1986, it becomes far more complicated, expensive, and fraught to gain legal residency (and it's not necessarily possible). If said illegal immigrant has American children, they could possibly petition for residency on the basis of those children.

Anyhow, I am going into the big, tall weeds of the U.S. government's rules & regulations, and I don't want to do that. I just want to point out that just because someone has a good *reason* for doing something (like entering this country illegally), does not make it *right* for them to do so, morally or legally. And said person should be prepared to pay the consequences for that wrong action, whenever the bill (as it were) may come due. It really doesn't matter if that person has spent years being a good productive citizen since that wrong action. It doesn't matter if they have bought a house, been a community volunteer, paid their bills on time, not gotten into trouble with the law, raised decent upstanding kids. That person is still accountable for breaking the law.

It reminds me of those news stories you hear about with some grandma who was part of some crazy '70s heist or crime, and who went underground and remained hidden for three decades. She got married, had kids & grandkids, was a model citizen. And then the proverbial knock at the door, and she is arrested for that criminal action she did three decades before. I don't hear people saying, "Oh, she's been good since then...they should just let her go." The prevailing conversation you hear is, "Well, she knew she did wrong," or "She did something wrong and she still needs to pay her debt to society." Likewise Roman Polansky doesn't get a pass on his crime of decades ago--the feds still want to see him in court just as much now as they ever did.

So I want to ask you, how is it any different if someone entered this country illegally? They committed a crime. It doesn't matter how long ago they did so. In the intervening years they have benefited from this country's opportunities and infrastructure. Maybe they helped pay for it through taxes (even payroll taxes, if they used a fraudulent Social Security number...another crime, btw), or maybe they didn't. But the fact remains that they broke our laws to get here, they benefited from opportunities that arguably could otherwise have been open to American citizens or legal immigrants. Shouldn't they have to pay for that crime? At a minimum, if they are caught, shouldn't they be forced to return to their home country? How is it okay to send a grandma back to jail, with hope of parole in 2-3 years with good behavior, for a bank robbery committed thirty years ago, but it's not okay to at a minimum send people home who came here illegally thirty years ago (ok, 23 years ago, given the '86 amnesty)? I don't understand the logic.

I don't want to hear a bunch of B.S. about "well Americans didn't want those jobs". How do we know that? If those illegal immigrants weren't here, if the borders were enforced and people who still managed to sneak in were sent home as soon as they were found, I bet any deficiencies in the work force that would require more legal immigration would be remedied pretty quickly. But at the end of the day, we cannot allow folks to flaunt our laws. Where does it end? It's okay with immigration, but not okay for bank robbery suspects...oh and murderers, or identity thieves...unless they were using a Social Security number to be here on payrolls as illegals, then that's okay? You see the problem? How do you differentiate? And folks, we can't take them all. We just don't have the resources. Ask the folks in Arizona how expensive it is to offer services to folks who don't pay for them with taxes (hello AZ immigration law!). You see why people are demanding the federal government enforce its own laws regarding immigration?

And frankly, as someone who jumped through all the expensive, tedious, and maddening hoops with legal immigration, I'm tired of hearing about how the illegal immigrants "deserve" a break. I don't get a free pass from breaking the law, any law--and neither should anybody else. The End.

The Default Option

I've noticed some things lately in trying to clean up our messy, disorganized house (both financial and literal). Chiefly, I have noticed that our default option in our family is to put off dealing with "it" 'til later. Of course, "Later" is purely an abstract concept, some hazy definition of a time in the future (possibly distant future) at which we will muster up the gumption to deal with "it" in the appropriate fashion. "It" can be anything ranging from putting away purchases from Target or Walmart, to organizing our check register and balancing our budget, or actually enacting a budget in such a way that we are dragged kicking and screaming with bloody knuckles forced to live by the actual set budget (and by this I mean a really ugly, pure cash only system where debit cards are housed other than in our wallets).

You know, "Later" has a nasty habit of never coming around in our family, and I'll bet it's the same in yours too. What made me realize this is the shocking realization that our eldest child is mimicking our habits perfectly. Yes, it tickles the cockles of my heart when she imitates one of our good habits, but it never occurred to me until this week that she is perfectly imitating our bad habits as well. I tell her to pick up something or do something while she is playing her Didj, and I have to tell her five times before she does it. Yet when I tell my husband to do something, does he do it right away, or does he sit at his computer for another five, ten, twenty minutes before he does it? And when my husband tells me that dinner is ready, do I stop putzing on the computer or doing whatever little chore right then and come to the table, or do I continue putzing or doing for five, ten, or even fifteen minutes? I think you can probably guess which one happens. And it is so irritating for that to happen when it's my daughter doing it to me, but somehow the pieces didn't click that this is exactly what my husband and I do to each other all the time...and she's imitating us!

My daughter's room has become a point of contention for us lately too. Her floor has literally been so covered with toys, clothes, shoes, and STUFF that it is a fire hazard. We have told her, how would the firefighters get to you if you had a fire? And she's five--this means nothing, really. And I have been forcing her to pick up her stuff, so we don't nearly fall and break our necks on everything jumbled all over. And yet, I go into my laundry room, and what do I do? Nearly break my neck every day negotiating around the plastic storage bin full of crap I haven't looked at in years (literally), past the box of sofa cushion stuffing that I was going to "get around to replacing someday", balancing a full laundry basket. And I wonder where she gets the idea that it's okay to live like this!!

I wonder about what kind of messages we are sending to our kids. My son's dresser has two broken drawers, that have been sitting on his floor for a month or more (they broke at different times). What message are we sending to him by leaving his dresser drawers on the floor? That it's not important to fix things. And here we are, a year and a half later, with a bathroom that is still not completed (still need to put up the mirror, rewire the light above the shelves, finish installing the trim, and paint the doors & trim), a shed that is still not fully fixed nor painted! We might not consciously think about it, but we are letting ourselves say, "Later...later...later" and letting things deteriorate in our home and in our lives.

Because life is in the details. Those things niggle at us every time we see them. We might not think about them, but they bother us. They certainly bother me. And while we have small children, and we don't have much time in each day, we have enough time to putz around on the internet for several hours. We have enough time at the weekends to spend more money than we should at Walmart, and Target, and Costco. We have enough time to "relax" as a family every weekend. And I'm not saying that's not important. But it is EQUALLY important to have your house in order, both financially and literally. It is EQUALLY important to show your kids that sometimes even when you want to just sit down and relax, you have to keep moving and get some important tasks done. So we need to be more conscious of that urge to say, "Later." We need to step up and say, "Now." We need to take care of business more often, before the business takes care of us. I don't want to see my family, my house, my life deteriorate. I want to see improvement. And that means more "Nows", and letting the "Laters" take care of themselves.

Spring Cleaning

Yes, I still believe in spring cleaning. However, it has taken a different turn this year--it's been a financial house cleaning for us this spring. Yessir, the enormous refund we have received from our federal taxes is no more...we have rearranged our W-4s and can happily expect to maybe pay a little or get just a little back come next tax season. This is a good thing, because unlike many folks in America, we understand that giving Uncle Sam an interest-free loan is not good financial planning. Really if you want a tax "bonus" of a couple extra thousand dollars per year, adjust your W-4s and set up a savings account to which you automatically transfer the money that would otherwise go to Uncle Sam, and let yourself withdraw from it on April 15th. The beauty of that is not only will you still get the thousands, but you will have made some extra $$ on it too.

Anyhoo, we have improved our monthly cash flow thanks to that little change. This will be extremely helpful this summer when I'm not getting paid, and oh yeah we forgot about THIS expense, or THAT THING that we do for the kids or need to do for the kids right now but oops we didn't budget for it, how am I going to pay for that again? Things like, I don't know, our ten year anniversary weekend getaway that we are talking about doing, which will involve spending a decent amount of money. Oh sure, not in a thousands of dollars kind of way, or even a thousand dollars, but still, a fair whack of moola to throw down the tubes for a few days of family fun, know what I'm saying? So having that money pre-budgeted and knowing that yes, we CAN afford to do that, even when I'm not getting paid for three months, well that is a nice thing to know.

We are also refinancing our mortgage. Our interest rate is more than full percent higher than current 30 year rates, and seeing as we are not looking to move any time soon and we can recoup our costs for refinancing within a year, yeah, we are all over that! This move too will save us a pretty good amount of money on our mortgage, which allows us to speed up the debt paydown even further (family fun fest of a few days out of town notwithstanding). I realize that we are refinancing a mortgage which we have paid down for X years, to be paying again a higher percentage to interest, which kind of sucks. However, this enables us to pay off higher interest debt faster, which makes a lot of sense when you crunch the numbers. Therefore we are going full steam ahead with this plan, and have been conditionally approved for our refinance. Now we are submitting all the paperwork that proves, yes, we have these assets that we said we did, our house is worth what we said it's worth (here we are very blessed to live where we do in WA and not back in AZ where we used to live, ouch that would not be fun), and we are fine upstanding credit-worthy citizens with a great track record of paying what we owe, and therefore you want to own our mortgage. So all systems go, and hopefully in about 45 days we will be signing our new loan paperwork and saying hello to a new interest rate and a new lower mortgage payment.

Other than the financial stuff, I have only managed to get some new pillows for the family, get the sheets changed, and get the next size baby clothes out and deployed for our growing youngest. I hope that by tomorrow I will get caught up with the laundry, and maybe finish weeding my strawberry bed. If I can get any real housecleaning done on Friday, that will be a substantial bonus, but I'm not counting on it. Frankly, I am more pleased with the financial stuff than I would be with dusted picture frames or sewed curtain pockets. Hopefully I can get some of that done too, or get my daughter's room better organized (which will mean moving some toys out). However, I am happy with the blend of relaxing and work that has constituted most of this week. Next week we are back to our regularly scheduled work program, but it's nice to feel that a spring break is actually a *break* and still productive. Now, time to figure out when to start the vegetable garden prep...

Still Here, Just Busy

Well, let's just say the old blog has fallen off the priority list. Well, okay, it's practically fallen off a cliff, broken both of its legs and punctured a lung, but I'M HERE NOW TO GIVE LIFE SUPPORT AND YOU CAN JUST BACK OFF A LITTLE M'KAY? *ahem* A bit defensive we are, (channeling Yoda), yeah yeah, let's just say that 3(Kids) + Work + Life = Busy, and that means too busy to blog. Some days Busy = Tired or = Lazy or = Disinterested or = Distracted. There has been a lot going on around here.

In point of fact, I really ought to be grading my students' extra credit assignments right now, and answering a student's email, but frankly I just cannot do it, no I will NOT and you can't MAKE me, damn it! I am TIRED. That's TIRED, in case you didn't get my meaning. No matter how much my husband and I thought we kind of knew what to expect from having three kids, we didn't. Yeah, take the level of tiredness we thought we'd be facing, and multiply it by THREE. Totally underestimated the amount of sniping, irritation, and anger we would have toward each other due to the increased demands on our attention and energy. Any little things that used to sort of bother us have now become things that cause moments of eye twitching rage and smouldering irritation. And we did figure that out about four months ago, but nonetheless it is still very hard to remember that in a moment when one of us has just done something that really, truly pisses off the other person. And it's not like it's even big stuff, it's the little, insane bits that just gnaw at you, and even when your rational self says, "Self, this is not a big deal, this is something to work on later when we aren't crazy busy and sleep deprived all the time," it is still hard to see the bigger picture.

I am very glad that my husband and I took a good marriage class several years ago, B.C. (before children). It gave us some really good coping skills which we use daily. However, I think that the demands of 3 preschool children (including 1 infant) really exposes the microscale cracks in a marriage--and just like the effects of ice on cracks in concrete or asphalt, it widens them over time. Gary Chapman says no marriage is ever static--it's either getting better, or it's getting worse. And frankly I think my husband and I would both say ours has gotten slightly worse over the past seven or eight months. It's a small slide, but it's noticeable. It's noticeable when you say something that's not very nice to your spouse, and even if it's a product of a thoughtless or half-thought, it still hurts. And it hurts you too to realize you said something that hurt your spouse's feelings. After all, your marriage is a partnership and you are a team. It's depressing to find yourself saying or doing things that sabotage that, especially if that moment happens in front of your children--who are watching everything you do. And it's noticeable to have less time to yourselves, time to recharge and *be* and reconnect with each other. Sitting on the couch together is nice, but when you're both so tired that you're falling asleep, or zoning out on your laptop or to some TV program, that doesn't really count.

I would love to have a monthly date night, but the fact is that dates cost money, in the form of babysitters and at least a few bucks for a coffee somewhere. And we are trying to get ready for my long, lean, unpaid summer off, plus have the money to pay for finishing projects that can only be done in good weather, like the missing/rotting wall on our shed. And really, we just need to not be exhausted every night. It's very easy to tell ourselves, "this too shall pass", but given the fact that our three year old still wakes up most nights of the week needing something, and we have a seven month old baby...well, you do the math. That light at the end of that particular tunnel doesn't seem very bright or very close. Add in the fact that DH, who we are so very grateful to God remains gainfully employed, is now working EST hours, while we live PST. That makes for a really tough, long day. It's stressful, period.

I love my husband. I LOOOOOOOOOVE him. He does so many gorgeous, glorious, sexy, bad-ass wonderful things for me and our family. And I LOVE my kids. They are maddeningly glorious and messy and joyful dervishes whirling through life. LOVE IT ALL. It's just a lot to manage. Add in my own fantasy expectations for glorious, weed-free gardens, moss-free lawns, perfect vegetable garden, and perfectly organized, clean house (hahahaahahahahahahahahaa!!! AH HAHAHAHAHAAHAHA...no, really, I DO want an organized clean house...doesn't mean I know HOW to get there), and you have the need for serious priority-setting and realistic expectation setting. I know rationally that we are in a busy period of our lives. However, I also know that we have to do a certain amount of *maintenance* on our property and yards, in order to keep it from devaluing, and keep ourselves from creating massively expensive maintenance problems in the future. Figuring out exactly how much has to be done is the key, and this is only our second house, and our first older house. It's more of "a lot" on our plate, and we need to figure it out, because maybe then it will stop stressing me out.

Yet again we are having to adjust to the "new normal", the new parental strains, the new home ownership challenges, the new budgeting, etc. It's Life, and frankly sometimes I want to go back to being a whirling dervish myself and forget all this crap that constitutes life as a Certified Adult. Vacation, anyone? If I could only figure out how to pay for it.

Randomania

I've been super, über busy lately, so this blog is going to be a real shotgun blast of stuff.

• Why is it that all infants seem to have a "poopy" outfit? You know, the one outfit that you put the kid in, and guaranteed that they will have a huge blowout diaper sometime during the day while they are wearing it? Granted this can be handy if you think your baby is getting constipated, but it also always seems to be the cutest outfit that you have for the baby that is chosen as the "poopy" outfit by the baby.
• Grading sucks. No, really, 250 assignments/quizzes/labs to grade per week is a tad much given my (scanty but I will take it TYVM) pay rate. However, on the plus side, students' handwriting on their homework assignments gets really amusing when you're grading at 11:30 pm and have been awake since 7 am.
• Please get a flu shot, preferably both seasonal and H1N1. I will not tell you the number of times I have been tilting at windmills in some internet forums about this lately, but it really is important for everyone who is able, to get immunized. If you want to read about why vaccines are safe, check out the CDC's website (they are not part of a vast government conspiracy, folks--they are just scientists who are trying to do their job and protect the public health according to scientifically proven evidence that has passed rigorous peer review). The very young kiddos (like my baby) and immunocompromised individuals who cannot be immunized are reliant on the general population getting the flu shot to prevent it from spreading. Flu kills 36,000 people per year in America. If more people were vaccinated, that number would directly decrease. If you could prevent one car accident where someone would die, wouldn't you? So please get immunized.
• Grading sucks. Did I say that already? Well, it does.
• A two year old and a four year old squabbling nearly constantly for the entirety of the day is quite draining for the parents. It seems like discipline falls on deaf ears (and numb bottoms, when spankings are required). At some point they will outgrow this, right? Right??
• This economy, it majorly sucketh. My husband is still in limbo-land regarding his job, but from all indications from much higher-ups, he is safe and a bunch of other folks, are about to lose their jobs. You know that old saw about being in the top 10% of employees at work, and that will protect your job? Yeah, it's holding true here. He is going to be reporting to a higher up, so that is sort of a back-door promotion-with-no-pay-raise-or-title-change. Now those other folks are going to be unemployed, and I pray that God will provide a better job for them for their sakes. But it does not feel good to be unemployed, especially leading up to Christmas. Now my husband will continue doing the jobs of four people, and add in the jobs of others who will be let go. Needless to say, he is tired from the demands on his skills and energy. I feel sorry for him, and selfishly (cravenly) glad that he still has a job. I do not know what we would do if he lost his job--we would be in big, big trouble.
• Speaking of which, the old emergency fund is on life support, and we need to resuscitate it pronto. My salary, it helps. But we have Ye Olde Debt to pay off, and we also have a terrible economy. So while credit card companies are raising interest rates even for good customers (ouch), I have a non-existent emergency fund that I need to rebuild. These two things are mutually exclusive, yes? So we need to find the right balance here. We also have to buckle down majorly on the expenditures. M-A-J-O-R-L-Y. I am seriously thinking we need to declare debit cards off-limits entirely. We are just blowing way past our grocery budget and eating out budget and entertainment/crap/clothes/everything else budget. Hell, what budget? That's been the mindset around here, and owies, that costs. A serious spending freeze and the reign of King Cash, Only and Verily Yea Even for Gas, Deposit Ye Olde Cash at Bank and then Go Straight to Costco Gas Do Not Pass GO Do Not Collect $200 or Even a Measly Starbucks on the Way.

*sigh* It's a lot to be juggling. I have dropped the ball and fallen down and scraped my nose and elbow and knee on the budget and the blood on the spreadsheet, it is not good. I have Christmas presents to buy and I want to take advantage of good deals as they pop up, but I have to be really conscious of what it actually *costs* to just "throw something on the credit card and pay it off later". Because "later" is really expensive, so that makes it not such a good deal, huh? Yes, I still suck at basic math even WITH a PhD (not really but somehow my brain goes "Lalalalala!" when it comes to doing math with OUR MONEY as opposed to some other scientific number crunching). Failed juggler, that's me. Time to pick up all the balls again and start juggling madly. There is grading/budgeting/laundry calling my name. Stay tuned.

The Hot Spot

It's certainly different with three children. My lap is the hot spot, with each child competing for their share of my lapfront property. Of course the newborn has top dibs, but my son and daughter are equally quick to snatch their opportunities as well. I have never felt so popular. Fortunately my scar is pretty much healed over now, and the bruises are mostly gone. This helps enormously when my son, who is quite a bruiser (a solid, stocky build--this kid will always be BIG), clambers up on my lap like he's conquering a steel playgym frame. Whereas previously such activity would cause me grimace and squirm away from his digging toes, now I am slightly more prepared.

I am having a harder time refraining from picking up my two eldest children when they need something. Yesterday I picked up our 45 lb daughter because she fell and hurt herself on the backyard playground. I've picked up our 42 lb son (and he's 2 years younger than our oldest daughter...I told you, this kid is big) several times to help him into his carseat and into a stroller or shopping cart. All of which is supposed to be verboten still, as we are only at the 2.5 week mark since my c-section. I admit to having a bit of trepidation about things settling back into their proper places internally. It seems to be taking longer for certain postpartum symptoms to subside than it did last time, but then again it's not as if I took notes! It does not help to have folks chastising me about such things as well. Please, you explain to our two year old why Mommy, the closest adult, cannot help him into his carseat and such.

I remember that our eldest daughter (I am still having to get used to this, the whole "eldest" bit is easy to forget) had the same reaction to her new baby brother. She used to get upset when I couldn't help her do something, and she definitely displayed the same type of jealousy that we are seeing with our son. I have yet to hear "When does he go back to the hospital?" that we heard from DD, but he's been quite vociferous in telling me to "Put Baby Jane down!" and demanding his share of my lap. He doesn't quite understand that when she's eating, well, she's eating and there really aren't any options for putting her down at that particular point in time.

On the other hand, he is quite an attentive brother and will give her toys that make music or alert us when she fusses. Our eldest has been quite the little mama, too, and is quite keen to hold her baby sister and give her toys and blankets, etc. Neither one of them is shy about asking where she is when they can't see her, and it seems to be unacceptable to not show her various things, such as pictures they draw or favorite toys.

My in-laws are in residence now and they are mucking in outside, in the absolute mess that is my garden. They've already weeded one bed and started on the next, and have purchased two roses for me, plus a sedum. I think by the time they leave my gardens will be drenched in water, compost, and happy attention. Good thing, too, as I haven't had much of any of that to spare, except for the guilt-induced watering I have done to keep things minimally alive. My master gardener neighbor dropped off some columbine and ferns for me yesterday, so more work awaits. I will be asking my OB about doing some light gardening at my appointment Wednesday, but until then I am benched. Some things never change, though, and thus I probably need to go and fold the mountain of clothes on my bed before my newest child decides she is unhappy in her swing. But it's a nice cool day, all of my children are happy at this moment, and my husband is back to work and wading through a mass of emails. Life is good. Thank you God!

C-Section Recovery

There are a few things about birth and the whole messy aspects of it that are really things that one cannot fully appreciate until one experiences them. Therefore in the interest of avoiding the gross-out, ick factor, I am putting in a disclaimer that this might contain more information than you want to know about c-sections and how they are done, etc. Suffice it to say that I do not feel too much sympathy for you, dear reader, unless you too have been fortuitous enough to have this information imparted to you personally as your insides are open and being worked on by surgeons discussing their plans for the weekend. In any case, you have been adequately forewarned.

I confess I had forgotten some things about the whole c-section process and recovery from the last time I went down this particular primrose pathway. Because it was somewhat traumatic last time, despite being a planned c-section for my son, I think my brain had dumped some crucial information and put a decidedly dark haze on the rest. So while I felt somewhat calm ahead of this one, and knew what to expect, there were decidedly aspects of the surgery and aftermath that I had completely expunged from my memory banks. In the interest of educating anyone who might be faced with this in the future, and reminding myself should we get surprised with a #4, here are a few tidbits about this surgery.

• The anesthesia is really not so bad. Last time I had an epidural, and this time I got a spinal block. I looooooove the spinal block. Oh, sooooooo much better than the epidural. First, you get to walk into the OR yourself, which is somehow more dignified than being wheeled in with your lower half numb and being manhandled onto the operating table. Second, you get the same local anesthesia shots in your back (the worst part, really), but the needle used for a spinal block is SO much smaller than the epidural needle, and I could not feel anything, no pressure at all. My toes started to get warm and tingly and I was able to put them on the table myself. Lastly, it wore off much faster than the epidural. I was already starting to wiggle my toes on my left foot while I was waiting for my bed and transfer back to the recovery room. I do not like the sensation of wanting to move my legs and not being able to, so having the anesthesia wear off faster was a big plus in my book.
• The lower back pain during the surgery, that is not so good. I told my anesthesiologist about this and (you were warned!) he told me it was because they had my uterus outside my body and were tugging on it, and it would feel better once they put it back in. Yeah. May I just say that I did NOT need the visual to accompany the lower back pain? Bad enough that they have an organ outside my body, I did not need to know that my body was telling me "this is bad" despite the heavy anesthesia.
• Despite thirst and hunger immediately resuming post-surgery, I was reminded in the most vivid manner possible of the "nausea" that my DH and mom remembered from my last c-section but which I had blissfully eliminated from my memory banks. I was feeling good and motoring along past the ice chips and water, TYVM, and had dived into the popsicles and Jello I was being allowed to eat. A few bites of Jello did not seem to sit well, so I laid off the Jello and had a second popsicle a few hours later. Suffice it to say it did not take long for it to come back to say hello, along with everything else that I had consumed post-surgery. So I spent a long night with only ice chips and water for sustenance...which brings me to:
• Don't believe them when they say you will only be without food for 8 hours. Ha! More like 24 hours! It's a very good thing I had a big breakfast right before my 8 hour "nothing by mouth" period began, because I was not allowed to eat anything substantial until breakfast the following morning--and then I had to push for it. I had a big bowl of real oatmeal (whole oats, cooked slowly) with cream and brown sugar and fresh blueberries, strawberries, and apples, and it did carry me over quite nicely to surgery, as well as being kind to my system. I had blueberry pancakes afterward and they were quite nice too. Of course hunger is the best seasoning there is! Mercifully no repeat of any other nausea, but those first few hours post-surgery are a real kicker.
• The incisions are not the source of post-surgical pain, for the most part. No, this is the provenance of the massive bruises on your tissues inflicted by the retractors and tugging, etc. Aside from the typical stretching/pulling from the incision, I haven't had anything to complain about on that front. My pressure dressing came off quite readily in the hospital when I had my first post-surgery shower (oh, the bliss!) and my DH pointed out that I had several large "purple grape colored bruises" around it, and that was probably the source of pain for me. Now I have been informed that they have faded to a "luminous green", 9 days post-surgery (I can't really see them that well myself, just the top of two of them). Nothing like having a real rainbow tummy to show for a birth.
• Painkillers are a blessing and a curse. I was again prescribed Percocet for my pain, plus horse-size ibuprofen pills. The Percocet were much appreciated for the first three days, but after that I hated the decidedly loopy spin that they put on everything for me, and I resisted taking them as much as possible. (And there are people out there that LIKE that feeling and abuse these drugs?? This I do not understand...) Now I am about three days out from taking any Percocet, and have also resisted the ibuprofen, relying instead on one dose of Tylenol at bedtime.
• Sleep is the best healer of all. I have had some really long nights of sleep for the past two nights, and have felt much better in the morning than I did the previous week. Of course sleep in the hospital is always a cut-up business, between the nurses coming in to check me and then to check the baby. But even at home, I was not able to really doze off whenever, because I had my parents asking things, or doing things that required some form of input, or our children were all over me because I was HOME and they wanted my attention too (really Mom it's not just about that new little baby, there's ME too and I need you NOW Mommyyyyyyy...). However, my parents went to visit my brother and his family for a few days, and our friends were giving us our space and resisting visits, so I've had a chance to just be and do absolutely nothing other than sleep in until 9 am and go to bed (and sleep!) at 8 pm, and it's been WONDERFUL.
• Every time something else was removed from my body post-surgery or I was given the all-clear to do something, it felt like I was reclaiming a piece of myself. I was moving away from "SciencePhDMom, hospital patient" to just "SciencePhDMom". Getting up and walking around, getting the catheter removed, being allowed to drink and eat, having my first shower and getting rid of that dressing and smelling like ME instead of calcium gluconate pre-surgery wipes...all of these things helped me feel more like ME. And it was good to finally bid the IV goodbye. I will be so happy when that little circular scab finally falls off my wrist.

I must reiterate that if anyone has a choice, there is really no contest and a vaginal birth is the absolute best way for a baby to be born. However, I am very grateful that we have c-sections for medically needed interventions, and obstetricians and hospitals well-trained in how to do them well and as safely as possible for mom & baby. I do not understand opting for a c-section if there is no medical reason to do so, as my sister-in-law did for both of her sons. I really honestly do not understand it. I am not putting her down or anyone else down who has opted for this, but I just cannot wrap my head around such a thing. Having experienced both, the recovery from a vaginal birth is so much easier (and that even with an episiotomy). I could be driving now. I would not have these bruises and pains and long list of verboten actions, such as even lifting up my two year old son (who frankly still does not understand why this is so). And I have to go with the vaginal birth as the way God intended it to be, KWIM? Women's bodies are designed to birth their babies, period.

Anyhow, that is the subject for another post, exploring the vast antagonism and gulf that exists in the good ol' USA today between the natural birth movement (ever heard of "The Business of Being Born"?) and obstetrical care & culture. Having been torn between the two camps and placed in a decidely uncomfortable position between>>>ROCK<<<>>>>HARD PLACE<<<<, I have a few thoughts on that subject. That will have to wait until I am feeling more myself, however. And in case you haven't seen her, here is a link to a few shots of my newest family member:

http://www.dropshots.com/stbridgit#date/2009-07-24/05:48:22

My sweet baby Jane. She is worth it all. :)

Cranky, Disorganized, & Running Out of Time

I am doing my best now that the quarter has ended to get the house & yard organized prior to baby arrival. However, I am being stymied at every turn by our two eldest children, who insist on making as big a mess as possible whenever my or DH's backs are turned. My son has an ongoing fascination with water, and if he's not spilling all the water out of the dog's bowl, he is spreading soap over my coffee table, over the bathroom counter, and spilling water everywhere. The only time I feel somewhat okay letting the boy have water in his possession is when we are outside, and even then it is a risky proposition. Heaven forfend he gets a hose in his hands, because he will spray anyone and everything as fast as he can.

My daughter is continuing to exhibit her unacceptable attitude on occasion. She has shown some improvement since daycare has ended, but she's still driving us crazy at least once a day. It's like her brain is simply incapable of processing the fact that SHE has a much happier day when she loses the attitude and demonstrates her ability to DO what she is told to do. My husband has forbidden the phrase, "I'll listen! I'll listen!" as this is what she says repeatedly when she gets into trouble. Again, the whole concept of it's not just listening, it's DOING is apparently beyond her intellect at the age of 4.

My house is still looking like a bomb went off in it. I have empty boxes scattered hither & yon, waiting to be removed for recycling. I still don't have all the linens back in my linen closet, so I am stepping over space bags still in the laundry room and our bedroom. I have pre-pregnancy clothes under my bed with no home to go to. I think a neighbor hit the nail on the head--I just do not have enough storage in this house, and it's driving me nuts!

DH is doing his best to finish the bathroom remodel. All but 2 rows of tile are laid for the tub surround, and then we have to grout it and seal the grout on the floor and in the tub surround. We still have to finish painting the tub room, and then install all the trim and the linen closet door. I hope we aren't going to be doing this when our parents get here, I really don't.

Nonetheless, I don't think this baby is going to wait. The head is very low, and my OB thinks there is no way we are making it to the due date. This is good news for me, because I really, really want to avoid a repeat c-section. I sincerely hope this kiddo is ready to make her appearance (assuming the u/s tech was right and it is a she), because I am just about done with being pregnant. Only a few short weeks left, technically, but she is more than welcome to come early. At least then I'll have a good excuse for my messy house. Stay tuned!

Not Nesting

To borrow a theme from a friend's blog, I am going to list all the things that I'm not doing today... *wink, wink, nudge nudge*

• I am not nesting. I have not determined a new configuration of the living room furniture which necessitates my husband moving every single piece of furniture to a new location (including the outrageously heavy piano). Nope, not me!
• I did not buy a piece of chocolate candy at Fred Meyer which I promptly ate while drinking a (gasp!) caffeinated soda when I got home.
• I did not lose my flash drive with all my lecture notes & grades on it (although I have back-ups in two different locations).
• I am not making my friend Hanna's killer salsa because I saw all the ingredients laid out in the same place in the grocery store, as if it was a sign from God that homemade salsa should be made.
• I am not the proud mama of a big boy who wore big boy underwear all afternoon yesterday and had not a SINGLE accident, even when we went out to dinner.
• I am not that wife who sends her husband to pick up the kids from daycare because she wants some more time to herself before they come barreling back in.

Yep, that's not me!

Summer Savings & Spendthrifts

It is almost the end of my quarter and I am relieved to be facing a lovely 3 month gap in teaching duties. It does bring an end to my salary, but since so much of this is eaten up by daycare costs we really aren't going to feel the pinch too much. However, it is difficult as we have many expenses pending and not very many options for paying for them. We have to put up the fence. We need to put up the new (to us) playset for the kids, which will require some new lumber purchases & new bolts. And did I mention that we are having a baby in July, which will result in a 10% copay for us? Because THAT won't be expensive, no sirree! Last time the total cost was $18,000, so you do the math. Hopefully we will avoid a repeat c-section, but this is something that we cannot control.

Therefore, I am intent on maximizing the fun for the kids & myself without maximizing the dollars flowing out for summer entertainment. Right now the kids are amusing themselves with cheapy character shaped sidewalk chalk that bears a suspicious resemblance to Santa. I can't remember when or where I bought it (Joann's?) but I do like the price, which was 25 cents for a 6 pack of chalk. They are also digging (literally) with some cheap kid-sized gardening tools from Wal Mart and Target. Add a few $1 boats and plastic excavators from last summer, and last summer's kiddie pools, and we have a pleasing entertainment center for our kiddos. Granted, we are not like our neighbors next door. They have the $3k playset (gift from grandma), the $400 huge blow-up waterslide with play pool, a zipline, basketball hoop, you name it. I know they are careful with their money, and I say huzzah to them for being able to afford it! They are nice enough to have an open door policy for our kids, too, although we don't want to abuse their hospitality. They joked about us needing to buy this year's whiz-bang blow up waterslide at Costco (again, $400), but that's just not in the budget, frankly.

I am thinking about getting a zoo membership for the family for the year. We can get our visiting family members in for free, plus have a 'go to' destination with the kids that has paid for itself with 2 visits (likely with 2 sets of grandparents visiting). Any extra visits we make over the coming year will be bonuses.

We are also trying to eat up the freezer stash this month. I have a few bags of squash to use up in muffins & breads, and enough frozen blackberries to make another batch of blackberry jelly. We have to clear out space for the coming largesse from the garden, which is sprouting up at a decent pace. I do have to replant some beans & corn, it looks like--I'm not sure, but I think I didn't keep the soil moist enough for good germination rates. And it all needs a thorough weeding, which I'm sad to say will have to just wait until the quarter is over next week and I have more time to get up there in fits & starts as the kids and dog will allow (not to mention my own energy levels). It will help save us on grocery bills, which would be a nice added benefit.

What we are not doing is going out and buying a whole bunch of new summer clothes, shoes, etc. Really we don't need them. The kids need some summer PJs and a few more summer clothes, so I hit a local consignment store this morning. Luckily for me it was a 1/2 price day sale, so I picked up some shorts & tops for both of them, plus 1 pair each of summer PJs. I will have to find some more PJs on sale at Kohls and/or the other consignment store. I will have to buy some new maternity items, but I'm holding off on that for the moment, because I am going to have to buy them online and I hate buying things blind.

With any luck, this summer will not be too expensive for our pocketbook & property. Wish us luck.

The Barbie & Information Age

We are entering a new phase of childhood with DD--the Barbie age. We finally broke down and bought a Barbie DVD movie for her a few months ago, and it was just a matter of time before an actual Barbie doll made its appearance in our house. We haven't had an actual Barbie in play yet, but there is a new 'Thumbelina' doll, complete with closing magical flower, in residence in her room. And there is a cheapy $5 Barbie ballerina doll stocked in the store, to be purchased by good behavior points. I suspect it will be purchased this week or the following week, depending on how many points I assign as its purchase price. Then we will really be off on the roller coaster: Barbie clothes, gear, friends, etc.

Back when I was a young and somewhat foolish college smart aleck, I always thought I would never allow my daughter to play with Barbie dolls! Why she was a symbol of female oppression! Her figure was completely disproportionate to any real woman's body, and she had pre-formed feet made for high heels! Of course, some of those things have changed nowadays. They changed her proportions to be more realistic. Every Barbie is no longer pre-programmed with high heel feet, nor does every Barbie have automatic make-up on her face. Barbie is shown as a "baby doctor", a soccer coach, and all other sorts of self-esteem affirming professions for little girls (and yes, even a stay at home mom!). Still, I had a malingering resentment of Barbie as the dominant corporate creation, somehow forcing out the nameless "little guy" doll makers, not to mention the fact that her skirts are still hiked up to the '60s microskirt levels.

Well, frankly, I have looked at some of the alternatives to Barbie, and (to say the least) I found them seriously wanting. There are the High School Musical dolls, Hannah Montana dolls, and the Bratz dolls (no I'm not kidding). Hannah Montana and High School Musical might be fine entertainment platforms for tweeners (I know nothing of Hannah Montana but have heard good things from other parents about HSM), but it's hardly the sort of fare I want to show to my four year old. And the Bratz dolls--well, all the things that Barbie used to be maligned for, Bratz dolls are times ten. No thanks. And there are the generic competitors out there--the "Hearts Club" or whatever it is at Target, and other lesser known brands at more expensive prices from out-of-the-way 'intelligent toy' stores and online retailers. I'm all for shopping according to principles, but when your 4 year old has a gift card to Wal Mart from grandma, let's just say that she's going to want to buy her doll and have it NOW; which is how we came to have Thumbelina (and the Thumbelina dress up jewelry and shoes). Grandma's $50 card went a long way in the eyes of our DD. I snuck in the matching tiara for her Easter basket, because we are ALL about being a princess these days! And so it begins...I am already trying to figure out the best way to store Barbie paraphenalia such that she may actually use the storage system.

Our DS is at the "Why?" stage of development. He is 2 and trying to figure everything out, so no matter what answer you give to a question, it is immediately followed by "Why?" You can go on ad nauseum unless you remember the fact that he's TWO, and shut down the endless questions with, "That's the way it is, bud." And followed by, "It just is." For some reason, hearing this repeated somehow permeates his brain with the idea that he's not going to get any more information on that topic, and the subject is closed.

This information accumulation is particularly noteworthy in that it now trumps the sighting of an exciting vehicle, such as a dump truck, or school bus, or police car! He will notice them, but he's more interested in getting his questions answered. He is also very particular about his cars and trains, arranging them in specific patterns that make perfect sense to him. He gets very irritated if we move them before he's done playing with them, and will scold us: "No Mommy! No move dat!" Clearly there are imaginative stories being played out with the cars and trains. I am sure we will hear all about them over the course of the next year or so as he continues to accumulate ideas.

Kids are just so fun.

The Cocoon

My DH is out of the house this evening, attending a community meeting hosted by our local sheriff's department. Normally we would not be interested in meetings like these, but as it happens, our general area is going to be host to a registered sex offender, starting tomorrow.

Frankly, we've had a lot of responses to this since the notification first went out a few weeks ago. The immediate response is, of course, fear. You receive a notice in the mail (or, in our case, by email from a neighbor) and it has a number attached to this person, this man who is a known threat to society and who for reasons unfathomable to you is being released from the prison where he has been safely kept for the past thirteen years. The second response is, what can I do about it? We investigated the numbering system--what does that number mean? What are the details of the (multiple) cases that were successfully prosecuted against this man? Why is he rated likely to reoffend?

This has thrown a lot of comfortable assumptions into clear relief. Because we live in a rural area, it is very easy to think it is safer than other areas because it's relatively isolated, it's quiet. Our neighbors are nice people, so surely the people on the streets around us must be nice too. This is a very comfortable way of thinking, but it's not very accurate--and really we don't think that way all the time. Both DH & I have checked the map for known addresses of sex offenders (and we do so on occasion to update our sense of where they are) and up to this point they have all been more than 3 miles away, in distinct neighborhoods that are not our neighborhood. Now, however, we will have a convicted rapist living a mile away. A convicted rapist, I might add, who would have been a lifer in jail under the "3 strikes & you're out" law, but for the mistake of an officer testifying at his last trial, who let slip that he had a prior conviction. That was the grounds by which the appeal process reduced his sentence and made him eligible for parole.

It's quite easy to think that because we are reasonably rural, we couldn't be a target for crime. We have been in the habit of leaving our tool shed unlocked. We have a second shed that's not locked. It doesn't matter that it's not used, it's a place that someone could use to hide, or scope out our house & habits. That has changed. We have padlocks now, and we use them. We also did not have any sort of 'early warning system', aka a dog. That is changing as of tomorrow at 10 am. We will be the proud owners of a labrador retriever puppy, redeemed from our local humane society. We will have the irritating agony fun of house training the dog, and training her to leave our parrot alone. However, we will have a (not for long) small ball of furry energy to play with our kids, and to bark enthusiastically when someone shows up at our house or in our yard. As she gets bigger, hopefully she will also serve as a deterrent. We have alarms on our windows and doors, and we use them. We may get a gun (with the proper safety training and precautions since we have kids).

It helps to know that all of his victims have been adult women, his own age, whom he met that day in a bar or restaurant, or was already acquainted with. He has no history of burglary or enticing his victims in any way. He will be living with a family member and the department of corrections officer stated that his guardians are very interested in ensuring that he toes the line of all his parole conditions. He is not permitted in any bar or restaurant that serves alcohol, nor on any private roads. He has boundary conditions on how far he may travel from his home, and a curfew at night. He has obtained a job working with his family members through their business (which we will not be patronizing). The corrections officer at the community meeting emphasized that he has served his sentence and is legally a free man, subject to his parole conditions for 24 months.

At the end of the day, I think the corrections officer really hit the nail on the head for us. He said, "If learning that a registered sex offender is moving into your neighborhood makes you change the way you are living in your house, then you probably weren't living safe enough to begin with." Yup. And we are rectifying that right now. It isn't good enough to rely on comfortable thoughts of quiet and rural addresses. Nor is it enough, frankly, to rely on the goodness of one's neighbors. I hope that by cultivating safer habits and more awareness, we can still enjoy the substantial benefits of our neighborhood without fearing for our family when we're outside. Honestly we probably have more to worry about with a dog that a neighbor is dogsitting, who has gotten loose and charged at children, and bitten a neighbor. That is more real and present danger. But I am exceedingly grateful that God has ripped open our little cocoon in a very gentle way.

More to Goodwill

Well I am actually making some progress on decluttering our house. It is a teeny bit of progress, but better than nothing. I dropped off two boxes of toys and 3 bags of clothes today, and felt a bit better getting them out of my hallway and bedroom.

I am doing spring cleaning this week, but not at the lightening quick pace I had envisioned for myself. I hadn't realized how tired I was after teaching full-time this past quarter, being pregnant, giving our children and my husband love and attention, and still trying to keep all the balls juggling around the household. I dropped a ball and got caught with a late payment due to the old due date shuffle by our credit card company, and had to call today to sweetly ask for my old interest rate (8.25%) as opposed to their punitive 19.99% rate which they slapped on me (which they gave to me without any hassle...it pays to have good credit and be a longtime customer). At least I caught it right away, but I'm irritated that I let it happen. I can't wait to pay that sucker off! Not for a while yet, though. But we did pay off another credit card, so I allowed myself a mini-happy dance for that. Our debt snowball calculator tells me that we will be out of debt in...five years. Da-da-da-dum. Sucky, but it is EVERYTHING except our mortgage--the HELOC, my student loan, everything. I guess that is not too bad.

We are supposed to have some folks over for a visit on Saturday afternoon, but now it's looking like we might head over to the city to meet them somewhere instead. I am a bit relieved, frankly, because I am not sure I am going to have the house "company ready" by my standards before Saturday. I am just digging out here and re-establishing some semblance of house cleanliness and tidying, and the whole decluttering thing is a bit messy in its own way. You know the routine--you have to make a mess by sorting stuff before you can reorganize and get rid of the stuff you don't need.

Today I did get our son's room cleaned and reorganized. I took out all the baby toys which he has outgrown, things which are more for toddlers than little boys. And I put all of his favorite toys into his toy cubbies, where they are in plain view but everything has a place. I started doing the same in our daughter's room, but I ran out of time to get it finished. I have to get her buy-in about some of the organizing, because if she's not on board, then it's a waste of my time. Hopefully she will connect the dots about finding her toys more easily, because she is starting to realize that knowing where something actually is makes it a lot easier to play with it.

I am still catching my own bad habits and trying to correct them before they are permanently imparted to the kids. I tend to leave coats and shoes lying around, and so I can't get irritated when they do the same thing. And I am making a habit of just doing something if I see it. Case in point: our kids' ball pit. Half the time the balls are strewn around our den. Whenever I walk through there now, I toss a few balls into the ball pit. Eventually they are all back in there and the room is that tiny bit neater. It's really not that much energy and I feel good about doing just a little every time I see it. I am just trying to transfer that philosophy to the rest of the house!! Hopefully we will get ourselves back onto a tight meal plan and budget and get our house (and ourselves!) ready for this new little one in the summertime. One step at a time...

My Mother Will Never Die

I was chatting with some friends on Sunday about parenting and the difference in perspective when you are actually the parent, instead of the child. My friends are at various stages of life and their kids' ages reflect that, so it's fun to talk about what changes and what stays the same as your kiddos grow up. And one of my friend's kids was listening to our conversation. As it happens this young lady is 14 and a full-blown teenager, and after we were all chuckling about something I asked her, "I'll bet you think your parents make lots of mistakes, huh?" She just laughed (as did her mom) and I said, "You don't have to tell us, but we all know--you're going to do things differently when YOU'RE the mom, right?" She said, "Oh yeah."

LOL! How well I remember saying the same thing as a teenager. I knew exactly what my parents were screwing up with regard to my upbringing (and my siblings'), and by golly *I* would never say/do what they did! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! As proof of God's great sense of humor, here are a few things I have found myself saying which I distinctly recall swearing I would NEVER SAY as a mom.

• Do I need to stop this car and pull over?
• How many times do I have to tell you to {do X}?
• Are you listening to me?
• If you do that one more time, you'll be sorry! (talk about an empty threat...the most meaningless threat of punishment there is the unexplained punishment)
• Don't make me come in there!
• There are hungry children who would be grateful to eat that dinner. (again, totally meaningless...because any smart child will instantly offer to give it to them!)
• Because I said so, that's why.
• Stop teasing your brother. (says the woman who used to tease HER brother)
• If these toys aren't cleaned up in five minutes I'm throwing them away. (to be fair it's usually DH who says this...I put toys into time-out if they aren't tidied up)
• This is your last chance.

I know there are more which I can't remember right now. And as our kids get older, more and more old chestnuts that I used to hate hearing as a kid will be spouting forth from my lips. Is it any wonder my parents are so well entertained when they visit us? Payback is hell!

What On Earth Will Occur in 6 Months' Time

I wish I could say our bathroom was looking more, well, finished. We've just had a three day weekend, surely we could have gotten something done in there, right? But no. We had a birthday party to throw on Saturday, then to clean up after, and Sunday was our day of rest (as it ought to have been). Today we finally got the Christmas lights and wreaths down from the house. (And may I just say that having a bunch of parents and kids under the age of 7 over for a birthday party with Christmas lights & wreath still prominently displayed on the 17th of January was just a WEE bit embarrassing? Ahem.)

We also let the kids have a good roll around on their new bike or in their new toy car, as the case may be. It was a nice day today--not too cold this afternoon, sunny. All in all a treat for a January day in the Pacific NW, so we wanted to enjoy it. Nonetheless, I had some faint idea of getting the rest of the backerboard up in the tub, at least so I could say to myself that it was buttoned up. Nope.

I am feeling horrid because we still have a friend's tile saw sitting out on our back deck, and it's been nearly 2 months since it's been used. I know he wasn't using it for anything, but I hate having someone's borrowed expensive tool sitting gathering dust when we should be pushing forward with this. I also hate the fact that our kids have practically forgotten what it's like to have a fun bath with each other and all their bath toys. Our son hates showers and tolerates them, but I feel like he gets tortured every time we wash his hair. I don't like that.

Of course I am pregnant and hormonal and moody, so that is probably influencing me. I am also waiting for my first paycheck of the quarter, and that is always not fun, because I've postponed some necessary purchases until then. And I don't like waiting to buy things we need (who does?). This is the yucky and necessary part of a budget and being responsible (or doing my best imitation thereof).

But I am wondering exactly what the heck we are going to do in six months' time when we have my in-laws coming to stay for six weeks or thereabouts, and we have no guest room to put them in? The former guest room is now our son's room, and the only place for guests to bunk down presently is on our uncomfortable sleeper sofa (and how well my parents liked it at Christmas...not). And to have 2 adults bunking on a temporary bed in the middle of an open den for six weeks?? Erm, not what I would call a recipe for success! They need a place to call their own, where they can go off and trust that little hands will not paw through their things or disturb them when they need a nap.

Which leaves us with two options, really. Option one is to dislodge DS from his bedroom for six weeks and set him up in his sister's room with his bed. I am not too fond of this option, because I don't know how well it will fly, and we can't exactly test run it for six weeks, can we? It is either a disaster or not, and leaves us with no plan B, except aforementioned sleeper sofa. We can't bring him into our room, because we will have the new baby in there, and there just isn't going to be room. And we could move DD out of her room and into DS' room, but she has more permanent pieces of furniture that would be hard to move, and thus harder to accommodate some adult-sized beds.

Option two is to get our cottage (the detached garage) cleared out of all the crap we have stored in it, or at least put it in some semblance of order, and get our butts (& budget) geared up to put in a toilet and sink with cold running water, at a minimum. I could set aside some funds from my pay toward said bathroom improvement, but we have no idea whether the county would give us a hard time about putting it in, or if we would have to add a new standalone septic tank, etc. And we don't know how we would go about adding it in to the existing septic. Um, fun! But really, we could not ask two people in their sixties to bunk down in a cottage with no bathroom facilities, as making a pilgrimage to the main house in the middle of the night for a toilet is hardly workable.

*sigh* I don't know what we are going to do. I really don't. Neither option is really nice, and we have to figure something out, and SOON if we are going to get a workable plan in place. I really don't know what to pursue. Ay-yi-yi, this is what happens when you move to a house with one fewer bedrooms!