Resolutions

It seems the things we want most to change are the hardest to change about ourselves. Of course it's the time of year for reflections and generous promises to 'do better' in some area(s) of life, but by March most of us have waved the white flag of surrender and are just trying to cope and keep it from getting WORSE, and WHO ARE YOU TO STICK YOUR NOSE IN THERE ANYWAY??

Unfortunately we often snap at the people who are trying to help us along on our self-declared change pathway. If my husband gently reminds me that I don't NEED dessert, I am more likely to want to eat it! Paradoxical creatures, aren't we? And it often seems like when we are just collecting a good head of steam to gain momentum in an area of change, we are confronted with obstacles that force redirection, and suddenly, we stall.

How many times have I said I want to lose weight? (A lot.) How many times have I said we really need to go to an all cash budgeting system? (A lot.) And yet here I am, same ol' same ol', two years running. And it's getting old, my friends. So old that I am convinced I am going about it in the wrong way.

A nice lady at our church, our women's ministry deacon, puts together periodic "snippet"-style Bible studies for our reading pleasure. Her newest one targets the Proverbs 31 woman. You know her--she's the quintessential picture of a woman who has it all together and benefits all who come in contact with her. She is confident in her faith and balances her family, business ventures, and charitable works, all seemingly without effort. Her family praise her as the best wife and mother. Yet, as my friend capably points out, we don't often feel we can meet her standard. And there is a reason for this--we can't. The fact is, I am cravenly human. I like to sit on my butt instead of sweating off calories. I KNOW that sweating off calories is good for me, but that doesn't mean that I ignore my flesh when it says, 'Oh but it's so comfy right here...you don't really need to lose that much weight, do you?' I also KNOW that reading my Bible daily is good for me. Yet how often do I choose to do sudoku puzzles or catch up on the news online instead of doing my Bible studies? How easy it is to choose to ignore the better thing, as Martha found, and focus on self and its comforts and its priorities.

I am not alone in my resolution fest. My husband, who hasn't ever met a vegetable he liked, is trying to incorporate vegetables into his diet. God bless him, this is a big step! His theory is that if he can just eat *some* vegetables with every meal, eventually he will like some of them and he'll not stop to think about eating them but they will just be part of the routine. He's not trying to eat a huge helping at every meal. Instead, he is eating a few mouthfuls and being satisfied with that progress, trusting that with time he will eat more.

I admire this approach, and one evening as I was reading my friend's "snippet" Bible study, I realized that daily time in God's Word can be approached the same way. Would it be better to spend every day doing part of my Precepts study, instead of cramming it all into one or two days? Yes, it certainly would! But the fact is that I am not in the habit of committing even five minutes to God's Word DAILY, let alone half an hour! So if I, too, take the approach of a "few mouthfuls" of Scripture daily, then I can "taste and see that the LORD is good," and increase my appetite for daily time in His Word. Is it a perfect plan? No, no more than my plan to increase my exercise and decrease my bad food choices in favor of better ones. But, it's a start...and really, isn't that what New Year's resolutions are about?

Day 9, Luke 9

Sorry for the silence on this end. As you know it is a busy time of year, and we've had a lot on our plates this past week. Still I think it's best to pick up on the right day and move right along, so here we are at Luke 9.

There is a lot packed into this chapter (as usual!), but I'm going to focus on something that Jesus comes back to twice in the chapter: the selflessness required of his followers (that is to say, Christians). Verses 23-27:
Then he said to them all: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it. What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit his very self? If anyone is ashamed of me and my words, the Son of Man will be ashamed of him when he comes in his glory and in the glory of the Father and of the holy angels. I tell you the truth, some who are standing here will not taste death before they see the kingdom of God."

This strikes at the very essence of who we are. We are created beings, not some random assortment of proteins and cellular organelles that functions at an amazingly high level. If you ever learn a bit of microbiology, it becomes incredibly apparent that the functions of a "simple" cell could never arise by chance. Yet we live in a world where the common wisdom dictates that we are a law unto ourselves, and we delude ourselves that we control what goes on around us and that we are the ultimate arbiters of good and evil, justice and injustice, etc. Yet I think that there is a core to all of us, a soul, where we know that this is not the case, and in fact we are the created beings, who were created for a purpose. We can't even claim the privilege of knowing that purpose, which for such unceasingly arrogant creatures drives us a bit batty sometimes. And yet here we have Jesus, the Son of God, saying that in order for us to really save ourselves, to really distill out that essence of who were created to be, we must submit ourselves to Him so completely that we essentially give up our lives to Him. This is the core of Christian belief, and one that probably sounds like gobbledy-gook to those who don't know Jesus personally. Yet I challenge you to think of Christians who so selflessly gave of themselves and not see how they were refined with time to become beacons of humanity, of goodness and justice and mercy. Mother Teresa? Billy Graham? Peter Marshall? They were all luminous, and you would be hard pressed to find anyone who knew them or knew of them, who would not say there was something amazingly different about them.

I wonder how much of a difference we Christians would really make if we took that command to give up our lives for Christ more seriously. I think we often fall into the trap of the three would-be followers who sought to follow Jesus in the last part of the chapter (v. 57-62). These three men displayed a love of their worldly possessions and status, a desire to put the world's concerns before the Lord's concerns, and a wrong ordering of priorities. Especially in this country, we have been given many good and powerful blessings. But seeking to secure those blessings, or puting them ahead of the God who gave them to us, is sinful and wrong. What number of errors would we avoid, if we (and especially I) put Jesus in his rightful place, first on the list, all of the time instead of occasionally? I think we would be so happy to fully pour ourselves out at his feet, in his service, instead of dripping ourselves out a meager dropperful at a time.

A Christmas Study-Day 3

Today I am reading Luke 3. The main focus of the chapter is John the Baptist, who is Jesus' cousin and the "voice in the wilderness" before the coming of the Lord. There was a lot here, but what I want to focus on are two things: that the One who was to come would baptize with the Holy Spirit and fire; and Jesus' genealogy.

John continually focused his followers on Jesus, who was to come after him, and tailored his message to prepare the hearts of the Jews and Gentiles for repentance. The passage talks about John being asked a question by some soldiers, and we don't know if these were Roman soldiers (Gentiles) or Jewish soldiers, possibly of Herod. In any case, John is clearly emphasizing that his role is only that of a messenger, and he points to the coming Messiah as the One who can work real change and clean up everything.

Of course when Jesus is baptized, it is very clear that he is anointed by God. I would think that the sight of the Holy Spirit in the form of a dove descending from heaven and alighting on Jesus would have been pretty spectacular for those watching, and that's not even mentioning the voice from heaven saying Jesus was His Son in whom He was well pleased!

I'm sure you're wondering why I am interested in Jesus' genealogy. Well, it's important because there are so many prophecies concerning the Messiah in the Old Testament, and they were very specific as to whose line he would be descended from. The text makes a point of saying that Jesus was supposed (i.e. assumed) to be Joseph's son, when in fact we know that he was not Joseph's biological son. However, as the firstborn, Jesus held all the rights of inheritance and such from Joseph, and also was legally viewed to be his offspring. Thus, legally, he was descended from Joseph's line. Therefore it was very important that Luke verified Jesus' lineage, to show that he did rightfully lay claim to being the "Lion of Judah" and "from the line of David".

We're coming up on Jesus' start to his ministry--stay tuned!

A Christmas Study-Day 2

Today I'm in Luke 2. As is usual with anything associated with government, Joseph & Mary had the vast inconvenience of traveling a good distance away from their home in Nazareth, a total of nearly 90 miles and over increasing elevation, to reach Bethlehem for the census decreed by Caesar. I found it interesting that Luke notes that Mary was only pledged to be married to Joseph--so they were in fact not married at this time. I have thought that Joseph must have had a hard row to hoe, as it was abundantly clear to all their friends and family that Mary was pregnant. The fact that he did not break their engagement would have bespoke in their minds that he had slept with her before their marriage, and surely he must have endured a great deal of shame and censure for his presumed behavior. Furthermore it is made clear that he did not sleep with her at all until after Jesus was born, another hard thing. After all, he was bearing the blame for her pregnancy, and he had none of the enjoyment of a wife! I think he must have been a very patient and faithful man to be so obedient to the Lord.

If you remember how Mary & Zechariah were shocked and afraid by the appearance of one angel, imagine how the shepherds must have felt at the appearance of a whole host of angels announcing the birth of Christ! It says they were afraid, but once the angels had disappeared they immediately set off to find the child and see him for themselves. Once they had found him, they told everyone what they had seen and heard, and many were amazed. Importantly, they praised God for all they had been told. Clearly they regarded it as a high blessing and honor to be told of the birth of the Messiah, and by an angel no less, who was then accompanied by a "host" of angels praising God! What a fantastic sight they must have had, to see the heavens illuminated with the glory of God and hear his angels praise Him!

When Mary & Joseph took Jesus to Jerusalem to sacrifice for him, there are two people in the Temple who were told specifically by God that they would see the Messiah before they died. One, Simeon, is called specifically to the Temple by the Holy Spirit at that specific time to see Jesus. First we must remember that there were likely many people going to and fro in the Temple, so the fact that Simeon picked Jesus out of the crowd and then praised God openly for him was extraordinary. And he prophesied to Mary about him, saying, "This child is destined to cause the falling and rising of many in Israel, and to be a sign that will be spoken against, so that the thoughts of many hearts will be revealed. And a sword will pierce your own soul too." It says that Mary & Joseph marveled over what was said about Jesus, and even as Simeon was done another came up, Anna, and gave thanks to God for him. What a moment for these two parents, to have two complete strangers single out their new son and identify him as the light of salvation for Israel!

We are told that Jesus grew strong and wise, and full of the grace of God. When he is 12, they go to Jerusalem for the Passover, and Jesus remains behind while Joseph & Mary travel back home. It is worth noting that 12 is the customary age of a Jewish boy's bar mitzvah, and at this time he would be considered a man. Mary & Joseph return to Jerusalem to find him when they discover he is not part of their family party, and it takes them three days to find him. At last they find him at the Temple, and he is discussing theology with the best teachers in the Temple, who were "amazed at his understanding and his answers". His parents ask why he has treated them this way, and Jesus replies, "Didn't you know I had to be in my Father's house?" Clearly Jesus has already identified himself with his Father God. (This is very complicated theology, the full divinity and at the same time full humanity of Jesus Christ, so I'm not going to go into more detail here!)

Lastly, it is mentioned several times that Mary "stores up and ponders" the things that others say of her son in her heart. He must have been a great mystery to Mary, this son of hers. She was told he would save Israel, but the how was a complete mystery to the Jews. Most assumed the Messiah would be a warrior king, riding in with a large army and routing all their enemies, bringing them all peace and prosperity. The concept of a Messiah who would sacrifice himself for them all (and even Gentiles) was probably ludicrous to most. That Mary was contemplating all quietly in her heart suggests to me a woman who was trying to figure out this puzzle and exactly what role God had for her son. I simply cannot imagine what it must have been like to raise Jesus Christ from babyhood. What great stories she must have to tell! Good stuff.

A Christmas Study: Day 1

Today being the first day of December, I decided to start a 24 day Bible study which was suggested by one of my friends. The book of Luke has 24 chapters, so if I read one per day, I will finish up right at Christmas Day. To help myself be accountable, I am going to blog about my reading each day. I am just going to discuss things I find interesting in the passage, and may we all be blessed by it. I will still write some regular blogs too, but hopefully I will stay on track and get the right perspective for Christmas.

Of course, Jesus wasn't born in December, or whatever month it was before the introduction of the Gregorian calendar. In all likelihood, most Bible scholars agree that he was most likely born during Sukkot, a.k.a. the Feast of Tabernacles. The shepherds who were keeping watch over their flocks by night? They were most likely watching over the Passover lambs. Rather fitting, then, that the angel of the LORD should call them to view the final Passover Lamb!

So, in Luke 1, we see that the whole book of Luke is a letter written by Luke to a fellow Christian, Theophilus; and that Luke was not in fact a firsthand witness of all the events he describes, but relates them from firsthand witness accounts, which he says he "carefully investigated everything from the beginning". Given that he starts with an account of the conception and birth of John the Baptist, followed by Mary's visitation by Gabriel and visit to Elizabeth while pregnant with Jesus, it's nice to note that the author was being scrupulous to lay out his perspective and limitations. Indeed it makes sense that Jesus' disciples would have had to investigate the circumstances of his birth, seeing as none of them were present at the time!

There is an interesting contrast presented by the responses of Zechariah and Mary to the appearance of the angel Gabriel and his messages to each of them. Remember that at this time, the Jewish people had been without a true prophet for nearly 400 years. (The word "prophet" means one who speaks the message of God by God's authority, not necessarily including the prediction of future events, as we commonly associate the term 'prophecy' today.) Thus Zechariah as a Levite and priest of God, was intimately familiar with the words of the prophets of old, and also with the Jewish historical texts which had been written in the intervening 400 years (including the Book of the Maccabees and others).

However, no one had spoken with authority from God for 20 generations, and I believe this had resulted in a similiar state for Zechariah as we experience today--that of skepticism and 'practical mindedness'. When Gabriel told him that he was to have a son, his response is one of incredulity and disbelief: "How can I be sure of this? I am an old man and my wife is well along in years". As a Jew who had not seen or heard the Word of God spoken with authority by a prophet, or seen any miraculous interventions from God, nor heard of such from any firsthand witnesses, he was lulled into a state of complacency and apathy about the God he served. Oh sure, Jehovah was to be feared, but He didn't actually cause anything to happen these days. Nope, they were just waiting on the Messiah to come and bring them all a new and better life.

Zechariah is rightly called out by Gabriel for his unbelieving response. "I am Gabriel. I stand in the presence of God, and I have been sent to speak to you and to tell you this good news. And now you will be silent and not able to speak until the day this happens, because you did not believe my words, which will come true at their proper time." Ouch! Talk about a zinger of a reproof for Zechariah for his unbelief and faithlessness! A priest who knew full well all the accounts of God's miracles and signs to Israel, and as had happened so many times in Israel's history, he had slipped into a lull of apathy about the mighty God he served.

Contrast this to Mary's response when Gabriel appears to her and tells her, "Do not be afraid, Mary, you have found favor with God. You will be with child and give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus. He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his father David, and he will reign over the house of Jacob forever; his kingdom will never end." Mary had been scared at the appearance of the angel, just as Zechariah had been. And her response is not very different:
"'How will this be,' Mary asked the angel, 'since I am a virgin?'"

It doesn't seem so very different from Zechariah's response, does it? Let's look closer. Zechariah's answer seems to indicate unbelief, as he said, "How can I be sure of this?" Instead of asking how it will happen, Zechariah looks for some form of substantive proof or evidence in contrast to what he knows of he & his wife and their physical state. He looks for something to assure him that what the angel has said is true, other than the very miracle of the angel appearing to him at all, let alone speaking to him and promising him an answer to his prayer for a son!

Mary, on the other hand, asks how such a thing could be possible, since she is a virgin. So Gabriel tells her that the Holy Spirit will overshadow her, and tells her that nothing is impossible with God. Mary's response to this is very telling. She says, "I am the Lord's servant. May it be to me as you have said." Clearly, Mary does not need evidential proof of her upcoming pregnancy. She accepts the angel at his word and humbly affirms her faith and service to God.

We live in an age of skepticism, where people have a very hard time believing in anything that they cannot touch or see or explain in a way that makes sense to them. I once heard a Christian posit that the reason we do not 'see' as many miracles today is because our hearts are so hard, we would not recognize them as such even when they did occur. I do wonder if we are not surrounded by miracles, continuing evidence of God's presence and activity in our lives, but dismiss them often as something else. In an age of David Blaines and David Copperfields, are we not jaded and incapable of seeing the hand of the Almighty?

I find myself wondering if I am more of a Zechariah, asking God to prove what He has said will happen, or a Mary, humbly accepting and trusting in faith that He will do what He said He would. I fear it is more of the former than the latter, and how tiresome that must be to the One who walked on water, healed the blind, sick, and the lame, and rose from the dead. How often I confine myself to the 'logical', despite knowing that "For the wisdom of this world is foolishness in God's sight." (1 Cor. 3:19a), and "...the natural man does not receive the things of the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him; nor can he know them, because they are spiritually discerned." 1 Corinthians 2:14-15 I pray that God will make me more focused on the spiritually discerned truths and less focused on the foolish wisdom of this world. For what comfort was offered to my sister-in-law by the concept that her lost baby was just a blob of tissue? What succor is granted to someone who has lost their child to the caprice of an unjust criminal? To where can we ultimately go for the justice that our hearts cry out for, if there is no God who has placed that desire in our breasts? How then would we be different than the animals? I am honored to serve a God who is sovereign in all things; and though I cannot see the picture he is weaving from my thread of a life, or how he uses the shortest fragments of lives like that of my lost nephew, I trust that He is working out a grand and beautiful picture. Yes, I have chosen to lie flat and be woven by the Master, and I am gratified that He has chosen me as part of His design.

A New Scar

While a child might find it cool to be in possession of stitches and a scar in the making, I confess I am not so thrilled. It has definitely put a crimp in my normal weekly activities; and having to explain to one hundred and one people why I am hobbling on a cane, as I had to do for the better part of the week, does not exactly make me a happy bunny. Fortunately the cane has been retired as of today, and the stitches are slated to come out on Monday. I am back to driving, which was problematic earlier since my laceration is on my right leg, just above the ankle.

I have said in seriousness that I was bitten by our lawn tractor trailer, and that is true. I was pulling the trailer by the yoke to our fire pit to dispose of blackberry vine trimmings, and it slipped out of my grip and took a zig zag path down through my skin & cutaneous tissue, mercifully stopping short of cutting my Achilles tendon. I got a split second view of said tendon, applied firm pressure as all good first aid training tells you to, and immediately sat down while my body began producing all those lovely cytokines and inflammatory molecules, completely with a healthy dose of shock. I was very, very lucky that I did not cut my tendon--according to the ER PA, I was a millimeter or so away from surgery and months of crutches and physical therapy to rehab it. I completely give the thanks for this to God, because only He could have cut away everything else and left that tendon perfectly intact.

It is not so fun to be on your tummy on a hospital table while a nurse intern scrubs your numbed wound clean. I am glad I couldn't see it, and I am glad that it didn't bleed much at all when it first happened. The sight of my own blood is never welcome. My husband got a nice view of it all, and commented that while he used to think he would love to see every bit of me, he has now been twice forced to amend that statement, as seeing bits of my c-section, and now this, have convinced him that he is far happier for my internal bits to stay intact and out of view. And I only had to endure the nasty stings of the numbing shots, which is not so bad, all things considered.

I have been reminded in a painful way of the foolishness of working on the Sabbath. And just to drive the point home for me, I have again encountered a verse attesting to this in my new Hebrews study: "There remains therefore a Sabbath rest for the people of God", Hebrews 4:9. Yes, I am that thickheaded, and God knows this and had to remind me of it again, just in case I was not convinced by the large gash and stitches. I have also been reminded that my natural carelessness/klutziness now impacts more than myself and my DH. Both of my children were very concerned about me, and both came running over when I hurt myself. They were not happy to see me being taken off, despite the kind and excellent care of a beloved neighbor. And my dear daughter was so disturbed by the whole affair that she crept into our room and into bed with us that night, wanting to make sure that a) I was there and b) that I was okay. Poor girl. She has since drawn me no less than four get well cards, as well as fussed and clucked over me like a mother hen on Monday. My son was clingy and anxious to see I was there, insisting on a long rocking chair session when I got home on Sunday night. That kid's radar is so fine tuned, he woke up the MINUTE we walked through the door and was crying for me.

It is a good reminder to me that I need to cultivate better care of my person. The older I get, the more serious it is to knock into things because I am just not that spatially aware. I can see how I could end up with a broken hip when I'm eighty, or a broken patella at 60 like my mom (who broke hers falling off a curb). I need to make a conscious effort to do better, for myself and my family. I don't want them to be worried about what I will do next. It is comic in some ways, but it's not so funny in others. Hopefully I can keep this just a blip and not another dot in a whole series of injuries!

Everyone Does This, Right?

So it's nearly time for DH to be home and I'm so glad it's Friday, but we are facing a dilemma of sorts this evening. The question: to attend or not attend the family Bible study tonight?

Now I know for a lot of people the answer is a no brainer--"Go!" "No, we'd never go!" Yeah, it isn't that clear cut for us right now. On the one hand, they are just starting a new study that is supposed to be pretty good, and tonight they give out the books and do the introductory material, etc. So it would be a great time to jump back in after a spring/summer break from it. On the other hand, DD would now be the only toddler present, and instead of having a 12 year old there to sort of ride herd on the younger kids while they all watch a movie, it would just be our DD and three other kids who are all 5 years older (or more). Hmmmmmmm. In addition, we have DS to consider--who is now a mobile baby who isn't interested in sleeping through the whole study time or being confined to my lap with a few small (and quiet!) toys.

Frankly I am leaning toward not going right now. I don't anticipate that DD is going to be able to behave herself without adult supervision, which knocks either me or DH out of the study group from the get-go. Secondly, I don't think DS is going to be well behaved without close supervision either, and at that point we are just kindly making a dinner entree or dessert for 8-10 people out of the goodness of our hearts and trucking it 24 minutes away to be able to eat it cold and pass up a lot of the other offerings due to our own pickiness as eaters. Oh, and that while we try to convince DD to eat something, anything, because she's so excited by the other kids (already) and doesn't want to waste time eating, for pete's sake!

However, I did make a big 13" x 9" pan of cookie-brownie bars this afternoon on the original plan of going, which will just go straight to my ample buttocks and thighs if we don't get it out of our house. And I am curious about the study they are going to do. And it would be nice to have some fellowship time with some of the folks from church, with DH.

It does seem like a cop-out to beg the "young kids" excuse to not do stuff, but really, if we're not able to participate at all because we are busy keeping our kids from inconveniencing everyone else (and not doing that well, given my DD's shrieking the last few aborted times we went)...is that worth it? I don't think so. I'm just trying to be honest here. And of course I'd be lying if I didn't say that vegging out on the couch with DH watching our recorded Survivor and eating some brownie-cookie bars with a big glass of milk doesn't sound oh-so-attractive after I've spent some time cleaning out baby spit-up from the Lego box (doesn't everyone have to do that on a regular basis?). And I really do think that my children going without baths for three days requires rectification this evening, don't you? Something which would not happen if we dashed off to Bible study the minute DH came in the door.

Hmmmmmm. I'm thinking the scales have been weighed here, folks. I'm calling it Survivor and bath night...and hopefully that is best for everybody.

Musings

Well I have comforted myself with the knowledge that our cash flow situation this month is because I am putting money back into our savings account from my overdraft oops last month, so that's something anyway. *phew* For a minute there I was thinking, "Ok, how are we going to eat?" I had scheduled it automatically and because it was entered early in Quicken, my brain just sort of ignored that line. Ah the fun of money...not!

And of course we wouldn't really have a problem eating because I am doing so well with the Grocery Game. I have done phenomenally well this week, scoring Campbell's microwave soup bowls this week for $1 each (absolutely rock bottom price!) for DH's lunches, and basically Quaker paid me to take some of their stuff off the grocery store shelves. So I was quite pleased about that, even if I did treat myself to a Tully's sugar free almond latte at the store.

Speaking of which, our local grocery store has dumped Starbucks from inside the store and swapped it for a Tully's. I like the lower prices of Tully's, and the fact that they have sugar free almond syrup (*drool*), however, I have to say the coffee is just a tad lower on the taste scale for me and their baristas are not nearly as personable. Oh well.

I am lamenting my inability to buy DS some good winter clothes through the Children's Place fall sale. In particular I am kicking myself over the sport corduroy pants which are on sale, but we have no extra moola so I can't buy them. *sniff!* They are SO CUTE! Ditto the long sleeved onesies, henley shirts, and jackets which he does actually NEED for this winter. *sigh* I am pinning my hopes on a MOPS clothing swap on the 12th, and hopefully I will get enough cute and warm things for him that it will assuage my guilt over that "inability to purchase right now even though it's a great deal" sadness that is plagueing me.

And, I have caught up with all my neighbors about their lives and such, so I feel like a Good Neighbor. I owe 1 apple pie or some other baked good to one set, and I really ought to bake something to bring along when I introduce myself to the 2 new sets of neighbors on our street. Hopefully I will get around to that shortly.

Kiddos are driving me a bit mad at the moment...cranky DS who I suspect is teething again, is now fully mobile and also has a really bad yeast rash for which we now have a prescription cream. DD is potty training and has her hits and misses. *sigh* How long does this process take, exactly? *LOL* Basically they are sucking up all my attention and I am not handling it well. I even skipped my Bible study homework the past 2 days in lieu of having some unstructured mommy time to myself, where I could read a magazine or the newspaper. I just couldn't handle another type of "brain required" activity. I know, I know...God would have provided. I just didn't let him. I'm too tired to feel too guilty about that, although I'm sure that will come around tomorrow when I actually do it.

Well I have to go off to the grocery store now and get some more milk. I have been skimping on the milk purchasing and now finally have a discount price to justify buying 3 whole gallons at once. Oh, the luxury of it!

Out of Touch with the Plan

I was grooving along very well with setting plans and goals for each day. Then DS started this catnapping fiasco and now I'm totally adrift. Laundry? I need to do laundry? (as I trip over a pile of dirty laundry in the hallway). Oh yeah...wait, mail! I need to sort the mail! (as I encounter a pile of unsorted mail in my laundry room...don't ask how it got there) Kids? Oh yes kids...they are kind of hard to forget, but that leads to things like diaper pail that needs emptying and maybe I can cram one...more... in there and hang on my son just spit up on me...wait I have to do the PAINTING and hang on the veggie garden is still weedy and...but...and.....

*sigh* Such is life. I NEED PLANS, PEOPLE. My days turn into an endless roulette of catch-me-if-you-can "to do's" if I don't have a PLAN that allows me to focus and ignore the rest of the crap stuff that needs to be done, too. I did start making this month's budget, some time vaguely in the past week, and it languishes as yet another "to do". I did manage to finally pay the last of the bill's from DS's birth, after being sure that our insurance is done with the round & round of claims and counter-claims. I even managed to ask the neighbor about her pediatrician, as I have decided I am dissatisfied with ours after she prescribed vitamin drops at 4 months of age for our son, who was over the 100th percentile for everything, and exclusively breastfed. Uh-huh. I mean, I am still taking prenatal vitamins for a reason here, it's to make SuperMilk^TM! So why the heck would I give him vitamin drops? Never got an explanation, just was handed a prescription and left to smolder over it (especially since DD never had them and as anyone who knows us can see she is clearly wasting away... ).

ANYHOO, the point is, if I don't have a direction and focus to my day, I just wander around in circles and don't get much done. And I didn't get any reading done for my women's Bible study today either, which has not helped me focus. God is a good focus-er, you know? A little time with Him tends to clarify things for me, so missing out on that hasn't helped my mood. Plus, DH worked from home today due to yesterday's Car Fiasco, as even though his car was fixed by 9:30 he was too late for a decent ferry time. And it's his busy time of the month at work (male work PMS, if you will), so I really HAD to make sure the kids were quiet and left him alone so he could get a lot done. After twelve hours of that, well, I'm done (again). I have a load of clothes in the washing machine that is mildewing, and I don't care. It's going to have to wait until tomorrow.

At least we recovered from last week's Library Fiasco, aka DD Decides to Misbehave AGAIN at the Public Library and Incur the Despotic Parent Award from the librarian. Yes, as she was screaming "Sorry Mommy! I want my booooooooooks Mommy!" and the librarian was saying, "Awwwww, she really wants her books," I was practicing my Look of Death on the librarian. Um, yes, she does, but Mommy also wants to be able to check out her books without her running away from me in a library full of people and open doors while holding my six month old infant and juggling a stack of books. So, DD got the infamous 1-2-3 countdown and then she suffered the consequences--no books! Evil, mean parent! Anyway, today she asked to go back to the library and we did, and she behaved. Go figure--consequences carried out ensures good behavior the next time! DUH! Too bad the librarian in question was not present to witness the return to civilized behavior.

*sigh* Kids! Busy husbands! Housework! Stuff! Budgets! Aaaaahhh!! This, too, shall pass...and when are they old enough for school, exactly??

Further Mundanities

I am continuing my summer women's Bible study of "Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World", and this week I was fascinated by the person of Brother Lawrence (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brother_Lawrence). Here is a person who succeeded in cleaving so close to God that each day's mundane tasks were accomplished in praise. I tell you, I need some of that in my life! I think this is the key for me for my Christian walk. If I could live close enough to God's presence to make everyday chores a pleasure, then instead of being discouraged by what I have left to do, I would see it as a blessing--and wouldn't that be nice!! To be able to be giving it to God while grocery shopping, that would be a blessing. On a completely unrelated note, my house is in chaos and I'm at a loss to remedy it. I really have to conquer the mail pile and paperwork that is floating around, which means the larger and more obstructive boxes and dirty laundry has to sit there, glaring at me in the corner. It would help if my kids would both nap at the same time, but of course DS is determined to catnap throughout the day and not sleep when his sister is sleeping. Arrrggh! I miss my "me" time people--I have to have SOME time during the day when my hair is not being pulled on, I am not being drooled on, nor am I being called on to create PlayDoh peas or closely track my DD as she goes around the house getting into everything. Hmmmmm. Maybe next week DS will change his nap schedule again. I'm subtly hinting to him now that he should be SLEEPING by having him in the swing, and he's now protesting his confinement. Little booger. *sigh* And I bought some yarn and knitting needles, to do some quickie scarves with fun fur type yarns for Christmas presents. $2 per bundle, peeps, at Michaels...I can DO straight stockinette knitting, if I can only find a bloody good demonstration of casting on and casting off online. Come on DS, Mommy's trying to make a Christmas present here!

David and the Ordinary

Last night was my women's Bible study night, and once again I was struck by how many women create an artificial divide between those things that God is "known to be interested in", like church committee work, or service to others, or instruction of our children; and those things that He just doesn't talk about much, like running a household and washing clothes and managing a budget, etc. Of course these women will delight in Proverbs 31, where it talks about a godly woman doing precisely all of those things, but somehow it just doesn't filter down to what we actually do each day.

I've been trying to do my David study. Very half-heartedly, I may add--first, the brevity shocked me (and not in a good way) for each day's study, but coming off of Precepts perhaps that was to be expected; and I need accountability for these sorts of things. Nonetheless, I have been thinking a lot about David and what his life was like before he became king. He was the youngest boy, and he was given the crappiest and loneliest, mundane job of being a shepherd to the sheep. He had to direct them around the hills, canyons, and valleys of Israel, defend them from wolves and lions (no small job, and quite scary for a teen, I'm sure), and he had plenty of time to just sit and watch them eat. Instead of worrying about that lion that was sure to come, or whether it was going to rain, and what that cute girl Tamara next door thought of him, David spent his time pondering God and the Scriptures. We know this from the vast number of psalms he composed--probably some on his harp (another reason I like him!).

So, instead of goofing off, practicing with his slingshot, shooting at birds, David was practicing his harp (again, I admire the fellow because that requires peculiar tenacity), meditating on God's Word, and writing songs of praise. All while he was doing his 'ordinary' shepherd job and probably making fires with sheep dung. You can't get much more ordinary than that, folks. Which goes to prove, even if you're scrubbing toilets, there IS a way to do it and still be keeping an ear out and a mind on the Lord. Now if only I could master this skill when my DD is annoying me!

Mature & Together

Those were the two words that leapt out at me recently when a friend from church described her surprise to learn that I am the youngest child in my family. Apparently I am perceived as being very mature and "having it all together". Haha! This kind woman has never visited my house during the week.

You see, I have been doing the women's Bible study thing for about a year now, and I really enjoy doing it. The reason I enjoy doing it is that I have realized exactly how much I don't know about the Bible and God, and it struck me that this was not a good thing. Indeed, I can count numerous examples of friends and family who have been hoodwinked occasionally by the newest fad or socially acceptable practices because they did not know what the Bible had to say on those subjects. So, I recognized a grave lack in myself (and I do think it is a grave lack, that is, a very serious omission on my part as a Christian) and have started what I feel are the first small steps toward rectifying it before I pass on my destructive ignorance to my children.

This kind lady has not seen me at my worst, but God has. While my cluttered house goes unseen by church friends and visiting family, God knows that I can be a lazy @ss sometimes, sitting around on the internet instead of cleaning my house, doing my laundry, emptying my trash, or doing the dirty dishes. She hasn't seen the dirty dishes piled up haphazardly above the dishwasher because I haven't emptied the clean dishes out of it yet. She hasn't seen the eight loads' worth of dirty laundry piled up in the corner of my bedroom, waiting for me to gather up the energy and commitment to do it all. She certainly hasn't seen the dust bunnies the size of Rottweilers under my bed (and just as mean). And she hasn't seen me totally lose it because my DD has pushed one too many buttons and I flip out over something stupid, that requires me to apologize to her later for getting mad about whatever minor thing it was she was doing. And she certainly hasn't seen my very weedy vegetable garden, which probably would grow a lot better if I cleared out all the weeds around the veggie plants.

That is me at my worst, and frankly, it's the norm. I am not "all together" most days. Those days are rare. I hope they are increasing in frequency, but I can say the messy house and messy me is more the norm. And really, that is true of my Christian walk, too. I need commitment and hard work required to keep me keepin' on with getting to know God & the Bible better. I know it's essential, and hence, the women's Bible study. Accountability is a beautiful thing.

Why the Leviticus Study is Worth It

I am down to the penultimate week in my Leviticus study, and I'm glad I've stuck with it. I have not been viewing the videos, which is probably a good thing for me. It has helped me to retain perspective here, it's not just about how the person is teaching!

This week's study has focused on the Feasts of Israel--the mandatory holidays that God handed down to Moses for the Jewish people. What an amazing set of prophecies God handed down in these holidays! I just cannot get over how perfectly Jesus' life corresponds with all of the Jewish holy days!

Ok, the Jews were slaves in Egypt, but God sent a deliverer (Moses) and freed them from their slavery, and delivered them to the Promised Land. We are slaves to sin (John 8:34), but Christ came to sacrifice himself for us (the Passover Lamb, 1 Cor. 5:7), the punishment for our sin--thus freeing us from the slavery of sin! The First Fruits offering is a perfect foreshadow of Christ, who is the first fruit, raised from the dead (1 Cor. 15:20-23). The Feast of Weeks or Pentecost follows next, where the Jewish people gave an offering of leavened bread . At exactly the same time in Jesus' life, He ascended to heaven and the Holy Spirit was given to his church, which now included Gentiles who were grafted into the Chosen People...the leavening (unclean, Gentile) was added to the Chosen People (the unleavened bread). See Acts 2:1-47; 1 Cor. 12:13, Eph. 2:11-22. WOW!

But there is so much more--the Feast of Trumpets, a holy convocation of Israel before God (Jer. 32:37-41, Eze. 36:24). This is to come, when Israel is regathered in preparation for the final Day of Atonement (Yom Kippur; Eze. 36:25-27, Heb. 9-10, Rom. 11:25-29). This final day of atonement will see the return of Christ and the preparation of the world for final judgement, and the formal separation of those who have been atoned for (the church) and those who are not. Lastly, the Feast of Booths or Tabernacles--when the church will celebrate a new heaven & new earth, and God tabernacles with men (Eze. 36:28, Rev. 21:1-3).

There is more--it is a pretty well accepted fact that Jesus was conceived during the Festival of Lights--the Light of the World! Pretty appropriate! And Hwas born during the Feast of Tabernacles--God had indeed come down to tabernacle with man. It is probable that Joseph & Mary were actually sheltering in a sukkoth, a temporary structure built by tradition during the Feast of Tabernacles, to remind the Jewish people how they wandered in the wilderness with no permanent home, waiting for God to reveal the Promised Land. We know He was killed during Passover...the final Passover Lamb.

I wish I could tell you how exciting this is to me. God has a plan, and it is so perfect. How could the Jewish people not see? How could they miss this perfect fulfillment of every prophecy concerning the Messiah? Jesus fit every description, to a tee--and even the timing of His birth, immaculate conception, and death and resurrection fit with the holy days God Himself had ordained. It is all there, you just have to see it. But as my friend pointed out recently, "God gave them a spirit of stupor, eyes so that they could not see and ears so that they could not hear, to this very day." (Romans 11:8). I am so sad for those who cannot see the Truth! I pray that someday God will open their eyes and they will see how perfectly He has ordained His church.

"But I don't want to!"

So, I am in a women's Bible study. We do "Precept Upon Precept" studies, which are in-depth studies of the books of the Bible, requiring homework for 5 days each week and discussions every week at our meetings. Tonight is my Bible study night, and I have done none of my homework for the week. Yep, I've been really bad.

I am having trouble with this particular study. It is on the book of Leviticus. Now, if you're not familiar with it, let me just say that you could call it God's Book of Rules for Israel (well we know the whole Bible is that, but I'm making a point here). It's full of "You shouldn't eat animals if their hooves aren't split, nor if they don't eat grass" and how the priests will diagnose someone with leprosy (not just leprosy the disease, but the Hebrew word used also means any skin disease) and what they have to do to be clean again, etc. Put blankly, it can be a pretty dry read.

I am actually learning a lot from this study, even though I have a bad attitude. It's pretty amazing how these rules actually protected Israel from disease at a time when there was zero knowledge about bacterial contamination and the spread of communicable illness. God is good! I do enjoy our class discussions, too. I just have a hard time getting excited about doing the homework.

Really though, I think my main problem here is with the video accompaniment to the study. We watch them every week, and for a start, this series' video lecture is twice as long as it is normally. It's a Thursday evening, I'm tired--I do not want to be in a darkened room watching a video for an hour. A half hour is about all I can take.

Secondly, the lady who is teaching it this time, while a very educated & astute person (she actually founded Precepts), has a teaching style which drives me absolutely insane. She does not have any clear organization to her lecture--no start point, no end point. She jumps around the Bible (not a bad thing by itself, but annoying when there doesn't seem to be a point or clear line of thought tying it all together) and has this habit of addressing her audience as "Precious one". Ok, this was probably filmed before the LOTR trilogy came out, but every single time she says it I just picture Golem saying, "My preeeeecioooouusssssssss..." I just can't stand it! And it's so cheesy televangelist! Hate it!

It is bad enough that it is souring me on the whole study. I like learning about Leviticus, but I'm driven absolutely batty by these videos. Absolutely. And I feel bad because I know so many other people get so much out of them, but I just don't like them.

So now I am debating what to do. I know it's my bad attitude that is influencing how I feel about the whole study, and I really feel like I need to finish the study. But if I am just being dragged into really negative territory every week by these videos, what good is that? I'm thinking about calling the leader and telling her honestly how I feel about the videos, and saying I am just not going to stay for the video portion. But is that a cop-out? I know she has a lot of good things to say, I am just not hearing them over the annoyances.

I know what I need to do. I need to pray for God to let me hear the teaching without the annoyances. I need to pray that He will give me the diligence to finish this study & make time for it. I know I need to do that. But I don't want to. I will do it anyway, to be obedient. I hope God blesses that obedience. And I am SOOO looking forward to my summer study, which I'm doing by myself. It's Beth Moore's book about David. I LOVE Beth Moore's studies, so I'm really looking forward to saying "adieu" to Leviticus and digging in about David. Only three more weeks....three more weeks...