I am doing a study on the Sermon on the Mount. This is very fascinating, as there is much more to the Sermon on the Mount than just the Beatitudes that leap to mind, or the Lords Prayer. In any case, I was studying Matthew 6:24, "No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money." As part of this study, I looked up the Greek word for 'Money', which is "Mammon". The definition of this word is 'confidence, i.e. wealth, personified; from the root 'mammonas', meaning avarice (deified). (Strong's Greek & Hebrew dictionary)
Consider our society today, and how many people have really deified Money and their possessions. People are concerned about having enough money in their 401(k)s, Roths, IRAs, and bank accounts. Even though monetary literacy and the concept of budgeting are at an all-time low, people are buying more and more expensive SUVs, Coach and Dooney-Burke handbags, the most expensive Blackberrys or Trios, and everyone has an iPod Nano souped up with the best and newest iTunes. Houses have gotten huge--it's no longer unusual to find a 4000+ square foot house in a 1 mile radius. In fact, 3000-4000 square feet is getting to be the MEAN size of house in several parts of the country, with some folks insisting they NEED 6000, 8000, even 10,000 square feet to live in. Of course, to finance these McMansions, people are getting adjustable rate mortgages, or interest-only mortgages, ignoring the fact that if they got a fixed rate mortgage they could not afford the mortgage payment, and in fact can barely afford the teaser-rate adjustable mortgage that they sign up for. Worse still, many people who sign up for these loans don't understand that their rate WILL go up after a short period of time, or don't understand that they aren't really paying for their house when they have an interest-only mortgage, but in fact are only paying what amounts to rent if they only pay the minimum payment.
Why are people doing this? They have bought into this idea that money and luxury goods, be it cars, houses, or bags, mean that you are successful and happy. Never mind the fact that many people who have all of these things are not happy, that is the message that Satan sells, and so many people have bought it! I myself am susceptible to it, I love the concept of buying these things...but really, they aren't important! 1 Timothy 6:6-12 tells us the secret: "But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that. People who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge men into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs.
But you, man of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness. Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses."
So, what is important, truly important to you? Consider carefully what you hold and value most high. I certainly have to constantly be vigilant for the lure of worldly luxury. May God always keep me from that deadly path!
Monday, March 19, 2007
Thursday, March 8, 2007
Unhelpful Help
So, I just had a baby seven weeks ago. My parents came up, ostensibly to 'help', but really to see the baby; and my in-laws arrived for a six week visit, to really help and also see our kids.
Now, don't misunderstand me, I love my parents, and I love my in-laws. They are all wonderful in their own ways, and I love having them around. However, I do wish that sometimes they would listen when I say not to do something. There is a reason we have a saying, "The road to hell is paved with good intentions." A few examples:
My parents decided, while I was in the hospital having my son, that they would help us out by cleaning the bottoms of our copper pans. What a nice thing to do, right? I mean, they were discolored from use (normal oxidation of the copper), and had some black stuff on them in places, so it was a nice gesture on their part. However, did my parents stop and ask themselves, "What is the best way to clean these? Perhaps we should ask (Dear Daughter) or (Dear Son-in-Law)?" No. They went out and bought a scouring pad, admittedly for copper, but still, a scouring pad, and scoured the bottoms of our pans to get rid of the discoloration and few spots of baked on crud. The problem? The pans each had a special brushed finish, which required using a special cleanser and absolutely forbids the use of scouring pads! So, I got home, and found that one of my pans had literally been scrubbed to where the copper is almost gone in spots, and both pans had the brushed finish absolutely RUINED. Now, we don't have our pans on display, and we can still cook with them, so they are functional. However, it did really piss me off for about 24 hours that they did this and didn't stop to ask if it was okay to do so. They just went ahead and did it anyway, as if it was their property in question. I had similar red spot, rage inducing moments with them over Christmas, including the unasked for sharpening of knives and OCD-induced cleaning of car battery posts after a dead battery incident (caused, I might add, by my DAD leaving a door open on our car).
I used to think these rage inducing moments were limited to my own parents, but I have realized that it really comes from having someone, anyone, in your house for a period of time for the express purpose of "helping" you. The reason for this is, anyone in your house is going to do things their way, and not your way. And, this is very annoying. Just what exactly it will be that annoys you is up for grabs at each visit, but there will always be something that your house guests do that will annoy the crap out of you. The last time my in-laws visited for 6 weeks, I got mad at my FIL for reading the newspaper before me. Ridiculous? Yes!! But I had my routine, I was 6 weeks' pregnant with my first child (unbeknownst to my ILs), and damn it, I wanted it to be MY WAY when I got home from work!
This time, I find myself raging at my MIL a scant three days after her departure, simply because the poor woman tried to help me out by folding our laundry and tidying up our house. So tonight I utterly lost it, because when I went to do my usual mound of dirty laundry, I encountered another mound of folded, clean laundry on my dryer, obscuring the dryer controls and making it impossible for me to get back to my laundry routine. Big deal, you say, just move them. Ah, but see, there is the rub. Our clothes are a mass of disorderly conduct waiting to be arrested. In fact, it has gotten so bad that DH & I, who are perpetually avoiding anything to do with organization, actually purchased an expensive closet organizer system during the ILs visit, and actually were going to install it this past weekend (unfortunately DH injured his back, but that is a tale for another day). In any case, we had no place to actually put the clean clothes, and this had been the case for about 2 weeks as we had started sorting and clearing out our closet. Compound this with the fact that we had no access to our son's chest of drawers for a lengthy period of baby clothes organization (the baby room doubles as the guest room, and the ILs were occupying the closet pretty well in there), and we had a bunch of new baby clothes thrown in.
So, my MIL, being the ever tidy woman she is, had been folding our clothes and putting them around our room, "until you get a chance to put them away, ok?" Ignoring the fact that we had NO PLACE to put them, piles of clean, folded clothes appeared on the floor along the wall, in the baby's crib, and, the place of last resort, the top of the dryer. If I were an insecure person, I would think she was trying to tell me something, but I know that she doesn't give a crap about where we put our clothes or anything else, she just wanted them out of her sight because it literally bothers her to see stuff hanging about. Ditto our piles of paper everywhere--she absolutely had to clear it out of sight before any visitors arrived, because she personally just could not live with it being out when "company" came around.
Now, this is being helpful, in my MIL's mind. To me, it's being so unhelpful it had me cursing her as I shoved neatly folded clothes haphazardly into a laundry basket already containing another load of clean clothes. Why? Because I have my own system for laundry, TYVM. So what if the clothes don't always make it into the closet or chest of drawers before they are worn? At least I always know what is clean and what is dirty, and where the clothes are that my kids have outgrown that need to be packed away. Now, I am in a chaos of clothes, and I don't know what is clean, what's dirty, what is stained and needs pre-treatment, what clothes my son has outgrown...it's a complete disaster! And I have a room full of gift bags from a baby shower, all containing clothes that need to be sorted into returns (too small and have a gift receipt), future baby shower gifts (too small and no receipt or identifiable brand for easy return), to be worn now, and to be worn in the future. AAARRRRGGGGHHHHH! My house has been taken over by clothing!
*sigh* I won't even discuss the chaos of bills & paper blowing all around my house. My MIL had spots for hiding things, and the number of times I have had to go hunting through them for something is mind boggling. Yes, I pile; but I also know exactly where things are. That has been completely disrupted, and I'm in a sea of paystubs, bills, and miscellaneous correspondence. It's a complete, utter, nightmare, and God only knows when I will get it organized. I'm lucky if I have time for a shower or on the computer these days, so when I will get all of that back together is beyond me.
The bottom line is, folks, that the next time I have a baby, I'm going to tell every well-intentioned relative to stay home. I'd rather deal with a dirty house and order lots of take-out pizza and Quiznos rather than deal with this complete, utter disaster. Yes, I am on my last nerve...now take your plane tickets and go home. We love you, thanks for coming.
Now, don't misunderstand me, I love my parents, and I love my in-laws. They are all wonderful in their own ways, and I love having them around. However, I do wish that sometimes they would listen when I say not to do something. There is a reason we have a saying, "The road to hell is paved with good intentions." A few examples:
My parents decided, while I was in the hospital having my son, that they would help us out by cleaning the bottoms of our copper pans. What a nice thing to do, right? I mean, they were discolored from use (normal oxidation of the copper), and had some black stuff on them in places, so it was a nice gesture on their part. However, did my parents stop and ask themselves, "What is the best way to clean these? Perhaps we should ask (Dear Daughter) or (Dear Son-in-Law)?" No. They went out and bought a scouring pad, admittedly for copper, but still, a scouring pad, and scoured the bottoms of our pans to get rid of the discoloration and few spots of baked on crud. The problem? The pans each had a special brushed finish, which required using a special cleanser and absolutely forbids the use of scouring pads! So, I got home, and found that one of my pans had literally been scrubbed to where the copper is almost gone in spots, and both pans had the brushed finish absolutely RUINED. Now, we don't have our pans on display, and we can still cook with them, so they are functional. However, it did really piss me off for about 24 hours that they did this and didn't stop to ask if it was okay to do so. They just went ahead and did it anyway, as if it was their property in question. I had similar red spot, rage inducing moments with them over Christmas, including the unasked for sharpening of knives and OCD-induced cleaning of car battery posts after a dead battery incident (caused, I might add, by my DAD leaving a door open on our car).
I used to think these rage inducing moments were limited to my own parents, but I have realized that it really comes from having someone, anyone, in your house for a period of time for the express purpose of "helping" you. The reason for this is, anyone in your house is going to do things their way, and not your way. And, this is very annoying. Just what exactly it will be that annoys you is up for grabs at each visit, but there will always be something that your house guests do that will annoy the crap out of you. The last time my in-laws visited for 6 weeks, I got mad at my FIL for reading the newspaper before me. Ridiculous? Yes!! But I had my routine, I was 6 weeks' pregnant with my first child (unbeknownst to my ILs), and damn it, I wanted it to be MY WAY when I got home from work!
This time, I find myself raging at my MIL a scant three days after her departure, simply because the poor woman tried to help me out by folding our laundry and tidying up our house. So tonight I utterly lost it, because when I went to do my usual mound of dirty laundry, I encountered another mound of folded, clean laundry on my dryer, obscuring the dryer controls and making it impossible for me to get back to my laundry routine. Big deal, you say, just move them. Ah, but see, there is the rub. Our clothes are a mass of disorderly conduct waiting to be arrested. In fact, it has gotten so bad that DH & I, who are perpetually avoiding anything to do with organization, actually purchased an expensive closet organizer system during the ILs visit, and actually were going to install it this past weekend (unfortunately DH injured his back, but that is a tale for another day). In any case, we had no place to actually put the clean clothes, and this had been the case for about 2 weeks as we had started sorting and clearing out our closet. Compound this with the fact that we had no access to our son's chest of drawers for a lengthy period of baby clothes organization (the baby room doubles as the guest room, and the ILs were occupying the closet pretty well in there), and we had a bunch of new baby clothes thrown in.
So, my MIL, being the ever tidy woman she is, had been folding our clothes and putting them around our room, "until you get a chance to put them away, ok?" Ignoring the fact that we had NO PLACE to put them, piles of clean, folded clothes appeared on the floor along the wall, in the baby's crib, and, the place of last resort, the top of the dryer. If I were an insecure person, I would think she was trying to tell me something, but I know that she doesn't give a crap about where we put our clothes or anything else, she just wanted them out of her sight because it literally bothers her to see stuff hanging about. Ditto our piles of paper everywhere--she absolutely had to clear it out of sight before any visitors arrived, because she personally just could not live with it being out when "company" came around.
Now, this is being helpful, in my MIL's mind. To me, it's being so unhelpful it had me cursing her as I shoved neatly folded clothes haphazardly into a laundry basket already containing another load of clean clothes. Why? Because I have my own system for laundry, TYVM. So what if the clothes don't always make it into the closet or chest of drawers before they are worn? At least I always know what is clean and what is dirty, and where the clothes are that my kids have outgrown that need to be packed away. Now, I am in a chaos of clothes, and I don't know what is clean, what's dirty, what is stained and needs pre-treatment, what clothes my son has outgrown...it's a complete disaster! And I have a room full of gift bags from a baby shower, all containing clothes that need to be sorted into returns (too small and have a gift receipt), future baby shower gifts (too small and no receipt or identifiable brand for easy return), to be worn now, and to be worn in the future. AAARRRRGGGGHHHHH! My house has been taken over by clothing!
*sigh* I won't even discuss the chaos of bills & paper blowing all around my house. My MIL had spots for hiding things, and the number of times I have had to go hunting through them for something is mind boggling. Yes, I pile; but I also know exactly where things are. That has been completely disrupted, and I'm in a sea of paystubs, bills, and miscellaneous correspondence. It's a complete, utter, nightmare, and God only knows when I will get it organized. I'm lucky if I have time for a shower or on the computer these days, so when I will get all of that back together is beyond me.
The bottom line is, folks, that the next time I have a baby, I'm going to tell every well-intentioned relative to stay home. I'd rather deal with a dirty house and order lots of take-out pizza and Quiznos rather than deal with this complete, utter disaster. Yes, I am on my last nerve...now take your plane tickets and go home. We love you, thanks for coming.
Wednesday, March 7, 2007
Ordinary Days
I'm thrilled to have 'ordinary' days. Yesterday was just such a day--I had no pressing items on my agenda, I had nothing around the house that absolutely had to be done, and I had things to do but none were of the 'set moment in time' variety. I had a spur of the moment 'picnic' with my daughter on the living room floor. Further, I had plenty of choices for my lunch, which is one of those simple pleasures in life. I also got that rarest opportunity, an hour in the middle of the day when both children were sleeping and I could finish a book I was enjoying very much. The bliss!
I wonder when the Bible talks about contentment if this is the kind that is pictured. I have a hard time imagining the kind of all-encompassing contentment that must be the domain of the citizens of Heaven. Of course, as a Christian, I am promised peace, but too often I walk away from it, or even run from it! My nature still wields a considerable influence on me. I think being able to take refuge in God's peace is a brilliant thing, and the people whom I know who are able to do it best, in my humble estimation, are those who have a lot of the Bible memorized. Yet again I feel God knocking on my hard head and saying, "Get to it!" Yes, Lord, yes. I have a whiteboard in my kitchen where I write Bible verses, in order to see them every day and memorize them. The current resident verse, Isaiah 26:7-8, has been in place since before my son's birth. Hmmm. I think I'd better get on it!
I wonder when the Bible talks about contentment if this is the kind that is pictured. I have a hard time imagining the kind of all-encompassing contentment that must be the domain of the citizens of Heaven. Of course, as a Christian, I am promised peace, but too often I walk away from it, or even run from it! My nature still wields a considerable influence on me. I think being able to take refuge in God's peace is a brilliant thing, and the people whom I know who are able to do it best, in my humble estimation, are those who have a lot of the Bible memorized. Yet again I feel God knocking on my hard head and saying, "Get to it!" Yes, Lord, yes. I have a whiteboard in my kitchen where I write Bible verses, in order to see them every day and memorize them. The current resident verse, Isaiah 26:7-8, has been in place since before my son's birth. Hmmm. I think I'd better get on it!
Saturday, March 3, 2007
Deceptive Decadence
Today I have been thinking about what decadence is to me. As someone who enjoyed a very decadent evening last night (complete with cocktails, expensive wine & fancy dessert), I find myself thinking that I could do with more of that type of night. Of course I choose not to focus on the negatives--the fact that I had imbibed too much alcohol, for instance, which precluded me from being completely clear-headed for several hours, or that I was surrounded by a halo of indifference and impatience, especially as concerned my 2 year old. Her behavior in the restaurant was exceptionally good, except for a bad stretch at the beginning, which was chiefly due to the fact that she was hungry and desperately in need of a snack more substantial than the popcorn which I allowed a scant hour earlier. In any case, my husband and I were devoid of patience, being ourselves hungry and ready for a nice meal at the end of a long week, and I felt myself wishing she could be consigned to the hotel across the road, where we had often stayed, with the able assistance of a live-in nanny, brought along for the meal.
Upon clearer reflection today, it strikes me that the above was uncommonly selfish and uncharacteristic. Uncharacteristic because, in the first place, I absolutely adore my daughter, and even when she is being a pain in the arse I have to admire her cleverness and earnestness as she pursues whatever is her goal of the moment. Selfish because, I have never seen the point of having children if your only desire is to put them away from you physically and emotionally as it suits you. I know someone who does this, and I won't name names but I confess I just don't understand why this person and spouse have gone to such uncommon trouble to adopt children, after trying for years to have some of their own, and now to consign their care to a nanny with the aim of boarding school as soon as they meet the minimum ages. Now, I have to ask myself, what is the point of doing that?
Anyway, I have strayed off from the concept of decadence. I bought a lottery ticket yesterday--just one of those spur of the moment purchases which happen from time to time. As it happened I had gone into our local mini-mart to get a copy of my receipt for the gas I had purchased, the machine not working on the gas pump. While I was in there rummaging in my wallet, the man ahead of me in line bought 10 quick-pick tickets for the lottery, and I saw that I had a $1 bill in my wallet. What goes on in one's head when contemplating a lotto purchase for two seconds? Well, in my case, I thought, "Wow, the Mega Millions is up really high...God, I wouldn't want to have 300 million plus dollars...that would be greedy. I will get a regular Lotto ticket, that's only $7 million." And with that, the ticket was purchased and shoved in with the receipt, and that was that.
But really, does my thought process about greed really 'count' to offset the innate greed that drives such a purchase? It's as if I've thumbed my nose at God to say, "Well, I don't think you've given me enough, God, so I'm going to try to get a bit more for myself, thank you very much!" Really, that's what it is! And, do we really stop and pay attention to the decay behind the decadence offered by our society? I was in a restaurant last night, surrounded by people wearing the 'right' clothes with expensive labels and carrying the most fashionable bags, sporting Manolo Blahniks and Jimmy Choos right, left, and center. These are the things that, being honest with myself, I would probably buy if I had the money to justify their purchase. I would love to have the 'fashionable' shoes and 'fashionable' clothes, to be able to change my bag to match my outfits and walk into Barneys New York without feeling as if I were a hick from down the country coming to look but not touch.
We have some good friends who DO have the means to make those types of purchases if they chose to. The reason why they have these funds is unimportant right now, but suffice it to say, they do not choose to buy those things. Instead, they have a large amount of money, in a bank account, and they don't touch it for their personal needs. They are using the money as they pray about it, and right now they are supporting a new orphanage in Kenya, founded by a college acquaintance. Not to be too cliche, but I think there's a reason that God has given THEM millions of dollars and not me. And that is humbling. I am not mature enough to handle it! God, I hope someday I might be mature enough for equal levels of responsibility...and it is a responsibility to have large amounts of money. God help me to resist the decay of decadence should I ever receive some.
Upon clearer reflection today, it strikes me that the above was uncommonly selfish and uncharacteristic. Uncharacteristic because, in the first place, I absolutely adore my daughter, and even when she is being a pain in the arse I have to admire her cleverness and earnestness as she pursues whatever is her goal of the moment. Selfish because, I have never seen the point of having children if your only desire is to put them away from you physically and emotionally as it suits you. I know someone who does this, and I won't name names but I confess I just don't understand why this person and spouse have gone to such uncommon trouble to adopt children, after trying for years to have some of their own, and now to consign their care to a nanny with the aim of boarding school as soon as they meet the minimum ages. Now, I have to ask myself, what is the point of doing that?
Anyway, I have strayed off from the concept of decadence. I bought a lottery ticket yesterday--just one of those spur of the moment purchases which happen from time to time. As it happened I had gone into our local mini-mart to get a copy of my receipt for the gas I had purchased, the machine not working on the gas pump. While I was in there rummaging in my wallet, the man ahead of me in line bought 10 quick-pick tickets for the lottery, and I saw that I had a $1 bill in my wallet. What goes on in one's head when contemplating a lotto purchase for two seconds? Well, in my case, I thought, "Wow, the Mega Millions is up really high...God, I wouldn't want to have 300 million plus dollars...that would be greedy. I will get a regular Lotto ticket, that's only $7 million." And with that, the ticket was purchased and shoved in with the receipt, and that was that.
But really, does my thought process about greed really 'count' to offset the innate greed that drives such a purchase? It's as if I've thumbed my nose at God to say, "Well, I don't think you've given me enough, God, so I'm going to try to get a bit more for myself, thank you very much!" Really, that's what it is! And, do we really stop and pay attention to the decay behind the decadence offered by our society? I was in a restaurant last night, surrounded by people wearing the 'right' clothes with expensive labels and carrying the most fashionable bags, sporting Manolo Blahniks and Jimmy Choos right, left, and center. These are the things that, being honest with myself, I would probably buy if I had the money to justify their purchase. I would love to have the 'fashionable' shoes and 'fashionable' clothes, to be able to change my bag to match my outfits and walk into Barneys New York without feeling as if I were a hick from down the country coming to look but not touch.
We have some good friends who DO have the means to make those types of purchases if they chose to. The reason why they have these funds is unimportant right now, but suffice it to say, they do not choose to buy those things. Instead, they have a large amount of money, in a bank account, and they don't touch it for their personal needs. They are using the money as they pray about it, and right now they are supporting a new orphanage in Kenya, founded by a college acquaintance. Not to be too cliche, but I think there's a reason that God has given THEM millions of dollars and not me. And that is humbling. I am not mature enough to handle it! God, I hope someday I might be mature enough for equal levels of responsibility...and it is a responsibility to have large amounts of money. God help me to resist the decay of decadence should I ever receive some.
Friday, March 2, 2007
Juggling Act
I am on the cusp of life with 2 small children and me, by ourselves all day at home. I'm a bit terrified and excited at the same time. My in-laws have been visiting for 6 weeks, and Monday they depart for their home sod, taking with them all prospect of relief when both kids are clamoring for attention at the same time and I'm about to lose my mind.
It's not really true--I have friends at church who are willing and ready to step into the breech if I really get to the point where I cannot cope, but I think it would take a lot more than I experienced during my first few tastes of 'all alone' time with them for me to make that call. However, it is a bit daunting to contemplate how I am going to continue to encourage my inquisitive, intelligent 2 year old daughter to learn and mature while maintaining a high standard of care and attention for my six week old son. I foresee a shower-less and privacy-deprived future. *LOL* Oh well, I knew that when I signed up for it, so I can't complain really...just muse about how the heck I'm going to organize myself.
Of course, things could change utterly for us again this fall. I am applying for a position at a local community college. It's another 'dream job' on paper, but you can be sure I am going to be asking lots of questions in person at the interview, should I get one! They are looking for someone who can teach at night for a new 4 year R.N. program they are starting, and it would possibly be a great fit for me, since I would still have lots of time to spend with the kids at home during the day, in theory. It all depends on what the daytime commitments would be, what is a "full-time" course load, etc. I tried asking the HR department about these things, but was told that only the dean could say, so I will have to apply and wait to see if I get an interview.
I still have mixed feelings about it, which is a good thing seeing as the application deadline isn't for a few weeks, and even after that, the interview process and decision will take a few months more. I am excited about it, if only because I will be able to use my nerdy scientific brain for something other than explaining to my bored daughter about pupae and chrysalis, etc. (I don't think it's sinking in yet, for what it's worth.)
I have to wonder what the happy medium really is for balancing career and family. It seems fairly obvious that it is highly personal and dependent on one's own family circumstances, but I haven't quite figured out what ours is yet. I am delighted to be home with my children, but I am also feeling a bit disconnected and as if I have cheerios on the brain at times. I realize this is a very common stay-at-home-mom experience, but to be honest, I don't think the other SAHMs I have met really know what to do with me. There is still what I can only term the 'glass box' effect of having a very high level degree and chosen to put it aside. Many of my new friends here are so welcoming and nice, but I can tell they don't quite relate to me on the career level and they find it a bit difficult to bridge. To be honest I find it difficult to bridge as well!
Perhaps it is part of my innate personality that they find difficult to understand. I have always been the kid with the advanced vocabulary, and I think that puts people off at times. I don't even think about it, I just use my "big words" because they are the most appropriate and express the most perfectly what I am trying to state. It doesn't occur to me that others might find it intimidating. Thinking about it, I would definitely not choose to stop using my vocabulary, because it is part of how I express myself. However, I hope that as people get to know me, they realize that and aren't intimidated by it any more. Is it really that people are intimidated by intelligence? I wonder if that is the case. It's not as if the people I have met are unintelligent; in fact, they are all quite intelligent and I would not rank myself as being more intelligent than any of them. So perhaps it is just a personality quirk of mine and I ought to get over it. :)
It's not really true--I have friends at church who are willing and ready to step into the breech if I really get to the point where I cannot cope, but I think it would take a lot more than I experienced during my first few tastes of 'all alone' time with them for me to make that call. However, it is a bit daunting to contemplate how I am going to continue to encourage my inquisitive, intelligent 2 year old daughter to learn and mature while maintaining a high standard of care and attention for my six week old son. I foresee a shower-less and privacy-deprived future. *LOL* Oh well, I knew that when I signed up for it, so I can't complain really...just muse about how the heck I'm going to organize myself.
Of course, things could change utterly for us again this fall. I am applying for a position at a local community college. It's another 'dream job' on paper, but you can be sure I am going to be asking lots of questions in person at the interview, should I get one! They are looking for someone who can teach at night for a new 4 year R.N. program they are starting, and it would possibly be a great fit for me, since I would still have lots of time to spend with the kids at home during the day, in theory. It all depends on what the daytime commitments would be, what is a "full-time" course load, etc. I tried asking the HR department about these things, but was told that only the dean could say, so I will have to apply and wait to see if I get an interview.
I still have mixed feelings about it, which is a good thing seeing as the application deadline isn't for a few weeks, and even after that, the interview process and decision will take a few months more. I am excited about it, if only because I will be able to use my nerdy scientific brain for something other than explaining to my bored daughter about pupae and chrysalis, etc. (I don't think it's sinking in yet, for what it's worth.)
I have to wonder what the happy medium really is for balancing career and family. It seems fairly obvious that it is highly personal and dependent on one's own family circumstances, but I haven't quite figured out what ours is yet. I am delighted to be home with my children, but I am also feeling a bit disconnected and as if I have cheerios on the brain at times. I realize this is a very common stay-at-home-mom experience, but to be honest, I don't think the other SAHMs I have met really know what to do with me. There is still what I can only term the 'glass box' effect of having a very high level degree and chosen to put it aside. Many of my new friends here are so welcoming and nice, but I can tell they don't quite relate to me on the career level and they find it a bit difficult to bridge. To be honest I find it difficult to bridge as well!
Perhaps it is part of my innate personality that they find difficult to understand. I have always been the kid with the advanced vocabulary, and I think that puts people off at times. I don't even think about it, I just use my "big words" because they are the most appropriate and express the most perfectly what I am trying to state. It doesn't occur to me that others might find it intimidating. Thinking about it, I would definitely not choose to stop using my vocabulary, because it is part of how I express myself. However, I hope that as people get to know me, they realize that and aren't intimidated by it any more. Is it really that people are intimidated by intelligence? I wonder if that is the case. It's not as if the people I have met are unintelligent; in fact, they are all quite intelligent and I would not rank myself as being more intelligent than any of them. So perhaps it is just a personality quirk of mine and I ought to get over it. :)
Thursday, March 1, 2007
Lulled by Luxury
Well, I have lots of random thoughts, as most people do, and it seemed an interesting one that has flitted across my mind several times recently is the idea that we, as a society, have become lulled by luxury, so much so that to venture out onto new paths and make different choices is something that we are incapable of doing.
There are many things that make me think that this is true for me. There is the fact that I wander away from my Christian life, choosing to be lazy and neglect my spiritual life rather than impose the self-discipline required to really get into the Bible and study who Christ is and what He asks of us. Though I always circle back, there is an inevitable sense of shame when I wander off again, as if I just don't have the energy to continue with whatever good habits I have begun.
Second, I find myself vacillating about whether I have made the correct choices for my education and career thus far. Right now I am a stay at home mom, having left a choice post-doctoral position at a new and prestigious research institute. It was a dream job on paper, and in some ways it was in real life, too. However, no one tells you about the co-workers who are self-satisfied and secure in their jobs, who don't give a damn about yours and couldn't be bothered to do their work, which your work absolutely depends on. If this is the golden age of multidisciplinary teamwork, it is also the hell of being unable to be self-sufficient in your own research work. As is inevitable for someone who has made a tough choice, I find myself wondering if I really should have gone to medical school instead of graduate school...
Which leads me to my two beautiful children. A strong-willed toddler and a nearly new newborn, both of whom drive me crazy in different ways but are among the most enriching and amusing people I have the privilege to know, let alone be related to. If I can keep myself semi-organized, I have hope that they will continue developing into loving adults.
Well, one of those kiddos needs some attention, so further random thoughts will have to wait until tomorrow. Welcome.
There are many things that make me think that this is true for me. There is the fact that I wander away from my Christian life, choosing to be lazy and neglect my spiritual life rather than impose the self-discipline required to really get into the Bible and study who Christ is and what He asks of us. Though I always circle back, there is an inevitable sense of shame when I wander off again, as if I just don't have the energy to continue with whatever good habits I have begun.
Second, I find myself vacillating about whether I have made the correct choices for my education and career thus far. Right now I am a stay at home mom, having left a choice post-doctoral position at a new and prestigious research institute. It was a dream job on paper, and in some ways it was in real life, too. However, no one tells you about the co-workers who are self-satisfied and secure in their jobs, who don't give a damn about yours and couldn't be bothered to do their work, which your work absolutely depends on. If this is the golden age of multidisciplinary teamwork, it is also the hell of being unable to be self-sufficient in your own research work. As is inevitable for someone who has made a tough choice, I find myself wondering if I really should have gone to medical school instead of graduate school...
Which leads me to my two beautiful children. A strong-willed toddler and a nearly new newborn, both of whom drive me crazy in different ways but are among the most enriching and amusing people I have the privilege to know, let alone be related to. If I can keep myself semi-organized, I have hope that they will continue developing into loving adults.
Well, one of those kiddos needs some attention, so further random thoughts will have to wait until tomorrow. Welcome.
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