The Back-burnered Life

One of the things that I find the most striking, in a curious, wannabe-sociologist observational kind of way, is how many parts of myself get back-burnered by this phase of my life. I don't mean just staying at home, but also being a parent as opposed to a young married gal. It's like we pack away parts of ourselves and put them on the shelf for the time being, hoping that someday we get to come back to them and remember those bits again and delve back in to that part of our personalities.

Take my love of music and learning to play the harp. I had been taking harp lessons for a good few years before DD was born. I was getting to that tricky intermediate stage, where I really had to force myself to step away from writing in notes and put some real effort into music theory and learning to sight read music. I was involved in that, I was progressing enough with my playing to be ready to get into trickier pieces, and then I had my DD. That put a burp in my playing, and when I started to re-engage slowly, we moved away. I have to tell you, harp teachers are not thick on the ground, so I am somewhat out of luck, and probably will remain so until I am willing and able to travel into Seattle at least weekly for lessons. I am guessing that I am not going to find a harp teacher anywhere on this side of the water, so I'm thinking I am going to be waiting until my kids are significantly older.

Likewise I was very fond of singing in the choir at church. I really enjoyed singing and was one of the 'powerhouse' altos who could help others out with finding the right notes and blending well. I had some difficulties with the choir time commitments and some political issues that were taking place, so I quit shortly before we moved, and was happier for it. But I still miss it. And our church here doesn't have a choir, so I'm SOL unless I want to commit to being part of the worship team. Er, no thanks...and again, the kiddos are a concern. We are not able to commit to extended stretches of time with the kids, because they simply aren't old enough to handle it. That, too, has been packed away and put on a shelf until I have time for it again.

On the other hand, I get to unpack some things that were on the shelf while I was working full-time and being a single-minded career woman. I really didn't get a chance to indulge my love of baking when I was working full-time. Nowadays I regularly whip up new recipes and tweak old ones to make them better, and I actually use all of my expensive gadgets. I'm venturing out into the worlds of bread-making and candy making, and I find it's very enjoyable to be so domesticated on the kitchen front. Knowing that, after eight years of marriage to the capable (and catering trained) DH, I could probably handle a celebratory dinner for family by myself is tremendously empowering. I don't use recipes for cooking any more, either, which DH views as a sign of his successful influence. I might not be Gordon Ramsey, but I'm no slouch either.

I also am really getting to indulge my love of gardening. I loved Arizona, but choices were rather limited in terms of plant varieties. I also was not really able to grow many vegetables, despite my best efforts. Strawberries were annuals, being routinely turned to crispy brown in the summer, despite our installation of a great watering system with its own timer for the veggie area. Here in Washington, I have beautiful loamy soil to work with, a large yard in which to do so, and plenty of scope for plant variety. There are actual seasons here, with pretty fall color not just a possibility but pretty much guaranteed. And the native plants aren't usually covered in thorns or spiky bits, nor do they produce pollen with protusions the size of the Empire State Building, microscopically speaking. My nasal cavities and sinuses are much happier amongst the friendly plant denizens in Washington. I find worms in the soil on a regular basis, and when I plant things, they are likely to LIVE! This is great stuff for a gardener, I'm telling you. And the veggies I can grow, well, that I should be able to grow...it's good stuff. I do miss my spring crops of young praying mantids abounding in our garden in Arizona, but I can live with their absence. Finding a salamander in my yard and encountering green tree frogs has its own special charms.

ANYWHO, before I continue to rhapsodize about my garden and its wildlife, let me return to my original point, which is this: it's okay that bits of you get set aside sometimes, even if it's for a long while. Because eventually, you will probably get back to them, and if you don't, then they are probably not bits you wanted to keep anyway. It's kind of like a garage sale for your psyche--you clean out the stuff you haven't used for a while and know you're not likely to use again, you box up the stuff you like but don't have time for right now, and you find new bits that you didn't know you had and hey, this is kind of fun here! Sort of like making some big changes when you become a parent, or you move. It's hard to see how it will all pan out, but eventually the good bits you had to back-burner will re-emerge, and for the time being you can enjoy all the other good bits. Or something like that.