So, I have a new Budget, and an old system reinstated. Budgets are terribly necessary things, especially with the temptations of Debit Card. The Debit Card allows one to delude oneself that really there IS more money in the checking account than Quicken says...see there is a lot of money listed RIGHT THERE as the "Available Funds"... Er, no. College student checkbook "balancing" regressions are not permitted on one income, sorry.
The depletion of regular stock items such as canned tomatoes necessitates a run to Costco as well as the regular grocery store. So now is my time to check the Grocery Game lists for Albertsons and Safeway, peruse the Fred Meyer ad, and decide who gets my business today. Usually Fred Meyer wins, but occasionally Albertsons has a run on good deals for a lot of stuff we use, so I will go there with my Fred Meyer coupons and they will accept them. Occasionally I will pass through Safeway, which although a more pleasant shopping experience than Albertsons is usually the most expensive. And my total CASH budget for the week is $100. Eeek!!
I lucked out last week and bought 4 gallons of organic nonfat milk for $1.99 each--they were close to the sell-by date and were being clearanced out. Score! Normally we pay $5-$6 per gallon, so that was a big coup! I doubt I will be so lucky this week, so already I can count on $15 going to milk. *gulp* This budgeting stuff gets complicated! But I am trying to be gazelle-intense on debt paydown, and vanquish our credit card, then our HELOC, and finally my student loan. I also need to save up some funds for a trip to visit DH's family, but it will take a while. Automatic transfers to ING are going to be a regular feature, I think, in order to make that one happen.
I suspect my occasional indulgences of take-out lunches for DD & myself are going to go by the wayside. *sigh* That was a really lazy convenience for me, because having one day per week where I didn't have to worry about keeping DD awake long enough to eat after going to run an errand or storytime or whatnot was a nice little luxury. When stores don't open until 10 and your DD likes to go for her nap at 11:30, 12 at the latest, that makes it a bit of a time crunch! I try not to do errands in the late afternoon because the stores are busier and the kids are crankier, which in turn makes me crankier. Far better to stay home and entertain ourselves with a walk or playdate. Far cheaper, too, as I can resist the siren song of Starbucks' iced nonfat sugar-free vanilla latte.
All righty, I'm going to go blow on the coffee now to cool it down for a homemade iced latte, and continue my perusal of grocery ads. Being responsible with our Budget is kind of fun. At least, that's what I'm going to tell myself until I believe it!
Monday, July 30, 2007
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Pernicious Parenting & Being Neighborly
Obviously this is not a good parenting weekend for us. After last night's diaper debacle, this evening we experienced the Chocolate Catastrophe, otherwise known as the Evening When DS Decided to Bathe in Chocolate Pie.
Today not being demanding enough with the house & yard in a below average state of cleanliness and general repair, DH & I decided to start painting our bedroom at about 2 pm. This was not the best decision, as it rendered our room Chaos Central TM, complete with complaining DS (1st) and alternately complaining and "helping" DD (2nd). Painting one colour would have been chaos enough, but of course we have the plastered over Freddy Krueger wall which required priming (Paint Colour #1), and the other three walls to be painted a very pale, muted green (Paint Colour #2), and finally the plastered wall to be painted an intermediate shade of muted green (Paint Colour #3).
As if that weren't enough general destruction, for some reason I decided that it was absolutely necessary to finally start clearing out the 2 foot tall weeds from the veggie garden, and proceeded to attack them viciously with a hoe this morning after ingesting a decent amount of coffee. I got about 2/3 of the way down the first row of corn, and I was D-O-N-E. How sad am I--I can't even hoe a whole row of corn on a cloudy, cool morning?? I am SO OUT OF SHAPE! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
After bemoaning my general state of un-fitness to DH and muttering to myself about "making time to work out" while eating cornflakes, I realized that our floors are really quite dirty and at about that time DH made a discovery in DD's bedroom, along the lines of "Oh my G-d, what is this on the floor...honey have you seen this??" At which time I go into DD's bedroom to discover scribblings in ballpoint PEN on the WOOD FLOORS. NO idea when this occurred...it's just small enough to go undiscovered for days, and after some futile scrubbing on my part with lemon Formula 409 I add "Mr. Clean Magic Eraser" to the shopping list and hope that it will come out with that magical cleaning product.
So after getting DD down for her nap, full of homemade mac-n-cheese (to which the credit goes entirely to DH, who makes a mean cheddar cheese sauce), DH & I spent about 45 minutes leisurely perusing brain-dead TV (in our house, this means the Food Network) before deciding, "Let's paint our bedroom!"
Worst decision ever, I think. After a frenzy of painting and multiple paint pails around our bedroom, a toxic odor of drying latex paint which necessitated opening the French doors & thus inviting in hosts of flying organisms, and cleaning DD of latex paint TWICE, I deemed it time to take the kids for a walk so DH could mow the lawns. (Incidentally this means we could check on the neighbors' garden & feed their cat, whom I believe hadn't been fed AT ALL during the first week of their honeymoon, since they asked us to look after the garden but never mentioned their outdoor cat...poor thing was subsisting on who knows what before I realized what must be occurring and fed her yesterday.) Sure enough the cat was waiting for me and consented to being petted, although she is probably still quite huffy about getting no FOOD for a week. I will definitely clarify this with our neighbors when they get back because DH & I are quite sure they never asked us to feed the cat but it seems obvious no one was, so we want to be quite clear in future if they ask us to look after watering the garden that they also mean their CAT as well. (I mean it's one thing to not water plants except every few days but QUITE another to not water & feed pets!!).
Anyhow, we got back and I made dinner--a cobbled together lasagne with quite a motley assortment of leftovers. The beef was fine if oxidized, the leftover bits of onion were getting close to declaring independence but were still acceptable for use, and DH poo-pooed me because I added the garlic late instead of sauteeing it with the onions at the start. I also added some leftover roasted garlic marinara sauce (another no-no to DH), since we didn't have enough crushed tomatoes to make enough sauce. By some grace of God I actually stretched this measly amount of sauce to make a FOUR layer lasagne, something which normally escapes me, so I was feeling pleased enough with myself to whip up a quick dessert using what we had on hand. Tonight that meant organic vanilla animal crackers (Costco, we love thee), some butter, and 2 boxes of instant Jello chocolate pudding and milk. Voila, a chocolate pie was born, after some cathartic bashing of animal crackers in a ziploc and frenzied whipping with a whisk. Yum!
Which brings me to the evening's denouement...DS, who is in that fun 'grabby' stage, decided HE wanted some chocolate pie, and made a grab for mine, resting on the arm of the sofa. Er...suffice it to say, he had chocolate pie filling over his face, hair, in his ear, and down his chest, and I had an ample sufficiency on my arm and clothing as well. DD thought this was uproariously funny, seeing as she had been eating her sliver of pie with her fingers, and proceeded to declare he needed a bath. So all three of us ended up in the bathtub, where we washed off all the chocolate pudding with DH's help. I smell of Johnson & Johnson baby wash, am significantly de-painted, and DS still has a tiny bit of chocolate pie filling in his ear. I doubt I would improve the situation by attempting to clean it out with a cotton swab, so he's just going to have a dab of chocolate pudding in his ear. I'm sure the ladies in the nursery at church won't find it TOO unusual tomorrow...at least I hope so...
Let us hope that we can end the weekend without one of our children ending up in the ER for some small object stuck in their noses or ears. At this point, I will take that and celebrate it as an enormous success!!!
Today not being demanding enough with the house & yard in a below average state of cleanliness and general repair, DH & I decided to start painting our bedroom at about 2 pm. This was not the best decision, as it rendered our room Chaos Central TM, complete with complaining DS (1st) and alternately complaining and "helping" DD (2nd). Painting one colour would have been chaos enough, but of course we have the plastered over Freddy Krueger wall which required priming (Paint Colour #1), and the other three walls to be painted a very pale, muted green (Paint Colour #2), and finally the plastered wall to be painted an intermediate shade of muted green (Paint Colour #3).
As if that weren't enough general destruction, for some reason I decided that it was absolutely necessary to finally start clearing out the 2 foot tall weeds from the veggie garden, and proceeded to attack them viciously with a hoe this morning after ingesting a decent amount of coffee. I got about 2/3 of the way down the first row of corn, and I was D-O-N-E. How sad am I--I can't even hoe a whole row of corn on a cloudy, cool morning?? I am SO OUT OF SHAPE! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
After bemoaning my general state of un-fitness to DH and muttering to myself about "making time to work out" while eating cornflakes, I realized that our floors are really quite dirty and at about that time DH made a discovery in DD's bedroom, along the lines of "Oh my G-d, what is this on the floor...honey have you seen this??" At which time I go into DD's bedroom to discover scribblings in ballpoint PEN on the WOOD FLOORS. NO idea when this occurred...it's just small enough to go undiscovered for days, and after some futile scrubbing on my part with lemon Formula 409 I add "Mr. Clean Magic Eraser" to the shopping list and hope that it will come out with that magical cleaning product.
So after getting DD down for her nap, full of homemade mac-n-cheese (to which the credit goes entirely to DH, who makes a mean cheddar cheese sauce), DH & I spent about 45 minutes leisurely perusing brain-dead TV (in our house, this means the Food Network) before deciding, "Let's paint our bedroom!"
Worst decision ever, I think. After a frenzy of painting and multiple paint pails around our bedroom, a toxic odor of drying latex paint which necessitated opening the French doors & thus inviting in hosts of flying organisms, and cleaning DD of latex paint TWICE, I deemed it time to take the kids for a walk so DH could mow the lawns. (Incidentally this means we could check on the neighbors' garden & feed their cat, whom I believe hadn't been fed AT ALL during the first week of their honeymoon, since they asked us to look after the garden but never mentioned their outdoor cat...poor thing was subsisting on who knows what before I realized what must be occurring and fed her yesterday.) Sure enough the cat was waiting for me and consented to being petted, although she is probably still quite huffy about getting no FOOD for a week. I will definitely clarify this with our neighbors when they get back because DH & I are quite sure they never asked us to feed the cat but it seems obvious no one was, so we want to be quite clear in future if they ask us to look after watering the garden that they also mean their CAT as well. (I mean it's one thing to not water plants except every few days but QUITE another to not water & feed pets!!).
Anyhow, we got back and I made dinner--a cobbled together lasagne with quite a motley assortment of leftovers. The beef was fine if oxidized, the leftover bits of onion were getting close to declaring independence but were still acceptable for use, and DH poo-pooed me because I added the garlic late instead of sauteeing it with the onions at the start. I also added some leftover roasted garlic marinara sauce (another no-no to DH), since we didn't have enough crushed tomatoes to make enough sauce. By some grace of God I actually stretched this measly amount of sauce to make a FOUR layer lasagne, something which normally escapes me, so I was feeling pleased enough with myself to whip up a quick dessert using what we had on hand. Tonight that meant organic vanilla animal crackers (Costco, we love thee), some butter, and 2 boxes of instant Jello chocolate pudding and milk. Voila, a chocolate pie was born, after some cathartic bashing of animal crackers in a ziploc and frenzied whipping with a whisk. Yum!
Which brings me to the evening's denouement...DS, who is in that fun 'grabby' stage, decided HE wanted some chocolate pie, and made a grab for mine, resting on the arm of the sofa. Er...suffice it to say, he had chocolate pie filling over his face, hair, in his ear, and down his chest, and I had an ample sufficiency on my arm and clothing as well. DD thought this was uproariously funny, seeing as she had been eating her sliver of pie with her fingers, and proceeded to declare he needed a bath. So all three of us ended up in the bathtub, where we washed off all the chocolate pudding with DH's help. I smell of Johnson & Johnson baby wash, am significantly de-painted, and DS still has a tiny bit of chocolate pie filling in his ear. I doubt I would improve the situation by attempting to clean it out with a cotton swab, so he's just going to have a dab of chocolate pudding in his ear. I'm sure the ladies in the nursery at church won't find it TOO unusual tomorrow...at least I hope so...
Let us hope that we can end the weekend without one of our children ending up in the ER for some small object stuck in their noses or ears. At this point, I will take that and celebrate it as an enormous success!!!
Worst Mother Award
If there were a weekly award for motherly incompetence, I have surely won it this week. Why am I blogging at 3 am? Well, that would be because I went in to check on my DD after hearing a noise, and found her sleeping, on her tummy, with the grossest poopy diaper.
Now, I am already feeling like an idiot for missing some key clues about a diaper rash she has now--a yeast infection, to be precise. She got this red bump about five days ago, and DH & I assumed it was an insect bite of some kind. However, it wasn't going away, and it was getting worse. At the same time, DD was sobbing about her sore bum, coincidentally at naptimes and bedtimes. Being 2, she is saying all sorts of things to prevent or delay bedtime and sleep, and I just chalked it up to more delay tactics.
But no, my child has a yeast infection, and her bum really IS sore. Great job, Mom. Now, last night, she was crying when DH put her to bed, and we didn't turn on the monitor right away. Yep, and she now knows she's not supposed to come out of her room...so she took off her PJ bottoms, and set about trying to get as comfortable as she could, eventually falling asleep in a very poopy diaper, with her sore bum. My poor baby. Yes, she had the antifungal cream on, but steeping a yeast-infected bum in poop for nine hours is not the best way to cure a yeast infection! I asked her if that is why she was crying, and she said yes, and she had been telling us she had a poopy.
Worst. Mom. Ever. My poor girl...here she was telling us what the problem was, first with her sore bum and then with her poopy, and no one was listening. I apologized to her and promised to listen next time, and gave her lots of cuddles and hugs after I got her changed, creamed, and re-PJ'ed. I also read her an extra story...at 3 am. My patient little girl. Bear with me kiddo, I'm just learning like you are. *sigh* I feel so guilty!
Now, I am already feeling like an idiot for missing some key clues about a diaper rash she has now--a yeast infection, to be precise. She got this red bump about five days ago, and DH & I assumed it was an insect bite of some kind. However, it wasn't going away, and it was getting worse. At the same time, DD was sobbing about her sore bum, coincidentally at naptimes and bedtimes. Being 2, she is saying all sorts of things to prevent or delay bedtime and sleep, and I just chalked it up to more delay tactics.
But no, my child has a yeast infection, and her bum really IS sore. Great job, Mom. Now, last night, she was crying when DH put her to bed, and we didn't turn on the monitor right away. Yep, and she now knows she's not supposed to come out of her room...so she took off her PJ bottoms, and set about trying to get as comfortable as she could, eventually falling asleep in a very poopy diaper, with her sore bum. My poor baby. Yes, she had the antifungal cream on, but steeping a yeast-infected bum in poop for nine hours is not the best way to cure a yeast infection! I asked her if that is why she was crying, and she said yes, and she had been telling us she had a poopy.
Worst. Mom. Ever. My poor girl...here she was telling us what the problem was, first with her sore bum and then with her poopy, and no one was listening. I apologized to her and promised to listen next time, and gave her lots of cuddles and hugs after I got her changed, creamed, and re-PJ'ed. I also read her an extra story...at 3 am. My patient little girl. Bear with me kiddo, I'm just learning like you are. *sigh* I feel so guilty!
Friday, July 27, 2007
David and the Ordinary
Last night was my women's Bible study night, and once again I was struck by how many women create an artificial divide between those things that God is "known to be interested in", like church committee work, or service to others, or instruction of our children; and those things that He just doesn't talk about much, like running a household and washing clothes and managing a budget, etc. Of course these women will delight in Proverbs 31, where it talks about a godly woman doing precisely all of those things, but somehow it just doesn't filter down to what we actually do each day.
I've been trying to do my David study. Very half-heartedly, I may add--first, the brevity shocked me (and not in a good way) for each day's study, but coming off of Precepts perhaps that was to be expected; and I need accountability for these sorts of things. Nonetheless, I have been thinking a lot about David and what his life was like before he became king. He was the youngest boy, and he was given the crappiest and loneliest, mundane job of being a shepherd to the sheep. He had to direct them around the hills, canyons, and valleys of Israel, defend them from wolves and lions (no small job, and quite scary for a teen, I'm sure), and he had plenty of time to just sit and watch them eat. Instead of worrying about that lion that was sure to come, or whether it was going to rain, and what that cute girl Tamara next door thought of him, David spent his time pondering God and the Scriptures. We know this from the vast number of psalms he composed--probably some on his harp (another reason I like him!).
So, instead of goofing off, practicing with his slingshot, shooting at birds, David was practicing his harp (again, I admire the fellow because that requires peculiar tenacity), meditating on God's Word, and writing songs of praise. All while he was doing his 'ordinary' shepherd job and probably making fires with sheep dung. You can't get much more ordinary than that, folks. Which goes to prove, even if you're scrubbing toilets, there IS a way to do it and still be keeping an ear out and a mind on the Lord. Now if only I could master this skill when my DD is annoying me!
I've been trying to do my David study. Very half-heartedly, I may add--first, the brevity shocked me (and not in a good way) for each day's study, but coming off of Precepts perhaps that was to be expected; and I need accountability for these sorts of things. Nonetheless, I have been thinking a lot about David and what his life was like before he became king. He was the youngest boy, and he was given the crappiest and loneliest, mundane job of being a shepherd to the sheep. He had to direct them around the hills, canyons, and valleys of Israel, defend them from wolves and lions (no small job, and quite scary for a teen, I'm sure), and he had plenty of time to just sit and watch them eat. Instead of worrying about that lion that was sure to come, or whether it was going to rain, and what that cute girl Tamara next door thought of him, David spent his time pondering God and the Scriptures. We know this from the vast number of psalms he composed--probably some on his harp (another reason I like him!).
So, instead of goofing off, practicing with his slingshot, shooting at birds, David was practicing his harp (again, I admire the fellow because that requires peculiar tenacity), meditating on God's Word, and writing songs of praise. All while he was doing his 'ordinary' shepherd job and probably making fires with sheep dung. You can't get much more ordinary than that, folks. Which goes to prove, even if you're scrubbing toilets, there IS a way to do it and still be keeping an ear out and a mind on the Lord. Now if only I could master this skill when my DD is annoying me!
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Mundanities, Mars, & Venus
Here I offer a classic example of the difference between men & women...witness the conversation my DH & I had last night, on one of those rare occasions where our children are asleep and we are miraculously still awake enough to have a conversation:
DH: What are you thinking about?
Me: Well, just about God and the mundane realities of life--you know, the 'mundanities'. There is a tendency to want to disconnect God from the everday, you know? Things like, washing your dishes or changing diapers or grocery shopping, cleaning your house...all the stuff that you have to do but you figure God isn't interested in that.
DH: Yeah, I know what you mean.
Me: But the thing is that God IS interested in the mundane things in our lives, and He IS in those things...we just have to allow that God is interested in us cleaning our dishes or scrubbing our toilets or doing the weeding in the garden, and He WILL speak to us while we are doing those things and reveal more of Himself if we just listen out for Him. And I think it's a shame that more people don't do that, because you really can get an awful lot more enjoyment out of your mundane life if you listen out for God in everything, even the "ordinary".
DH: Yeah, I think you're right.
Me: What are you thinking about?
DH: I was wondering if this is a part of your bum or not. (Aside: DH was rubbing my lower back while I was talking and had wandered down past my waistband)
Me: Huh?
DH: Well, because my hand is past the waistband of your pants, but is that really part of your bum? Because your bum hasn't actually started yet.
Me: No, I don't think that is part of my bum. That is still my lower back.
DH: That's what I thought too.
And there you have it--the difference between the sexes. I was pondering the imponderables of God and how He could possibly be interested in how many times I've emptied the dishwasher and how He teaches me valuable lessons about my children if I just pay attention during those 'everyday' moments, and my DH is enjoying rubbing my back and wondering if it's where my butt starts. A classic. *LOL*
DH: What are you thinking about?
Me: Well, just about God and the mundane realities of life--you know, the 'mundanities'. There is a tendency to want to disconnect God from the everday, you know? Things like, washing your dishes or changing diapers or grocery shopping, cleaning your house...all the stuff that you have to do but you figure God isn't interested in that.
DH: Yeah, I know what you mean.
Me: But the thing is that God IS interested in the mundane things in our lives, and He IS in those things...we just have to allow that God is interested in us cleaning our dishes or scrubbing our toilets or doing the weeding in the garden, and He WILL speak to us while we are doing those things and reveal more of Himself if we just listen out for Him. And I think it's a shame that more people don't do that, because you really can get an awful lot more enjoyment out of your mundane life if you listen out for God in everything, even the "ordinary".
DH: Yeah, I think you're right.
Me: What are you thinking about?
DH: I was wondering if this is a part of your bum or not. (Aside: DH was rubbing my lower back while I was talking and had wandered down past my waistband)
Me: Huh?
DH: Well, because my hand is past the waistband of your pants, but is that really part of your bum? Because your bum hasn't actually started yet.
Me: No, I don't think that is part of my bum. That is still my lower back.
DH: That's what I thought too.
And there you have it--the difference between the sexes. I was pondering the imponderables of God and how He could possibly be interested in how many times I've emptied the dishwasher and how He teaches me valuable lessons about my children if I just pay attention during those 'everyday' moments, and my DH is enjoying rubbing my back and wondering if it's where my butt starts. A classic. *LOL*
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Career Fragments & the Train Wreck
Well here I am, a year plus since I left my full-time job and moved to a completely different state to become a stay at home mom. As inevitably happens, I have kept in touch with a number of my co-workers, and their occasional diatribes and updates about the situation at my former workplace leads me to study (again) my feelings about the experience and the fragments of my career.
It would not be fair to say that working as a postdoc at the institute shattered my career. Rather, it was a tediously slow process of crumbling it, such as it was. I'm not going to pretend I had a glorious, glittering pathway ahead of me, nor can I say with certainty that I knew exactly what I wanted. I give part of the credit for that to God, because surely He was changing my mind about the whole career treadmill the entire way through grad school and then my two equally disastrous postdocs (each in their own way). You will notice that I say "treadmill", because I do believe that a career, however fulfilling you may find it, doesn't really take you anywhere in the end and it's worth reminding myself of that when I think about it with some sniff of longing. In the big scheme of things a job is what it is--a job, a means to an end. Sometimes you work at a job you really love, but if you wouldn't still do it without a paycheck then is it really something you love?
Anyway, I digress. I was talking about my job at the institute last night with DH and I expressed again that it did make me sad, how something that could have been so great and maybe just a little bit glorious (and here I refer to the team effort for the project, which had it succeeded would have indeed created something a little bit glorious, pushing forward the technology for forensics as it would have) was doomed to fail so completely. One of the dangers of doing postdocs is that you are pretty much required to publish papers from it...and a lack of papers from my 2nd postdoc spells out F-A-I-L-U-R-E quite loudly and clearly to all and sundry in academia and some industry. It is irrelevant whether the postdoc him- or her-self is solely responsible for the failure, the fact is that a postdoc is still in a training/trial period and the failure to publish is weighed heavily on his/her shoulders.
it is with me. If I were ever to want to return to my career as a scientist (such as it was, really the cusp of cygnet into swan, if I were being generous) I would have to do another postdoc in academia if I wanted an academic career...and I might have to do one in industry too, from the way the job market for chemists is going. And that is depressing, quite frankly. To spend five and a half years in grad school, then six months in a hellish postdoc, and then three years in a more likable work environment but with absolutely NO progress and complete dependency on others' work ethic (or lack thereof!!), and to end up on the losing side is really quite crappy, to be blunt. So the selfish/human side of me is waiting for those responsible to be punished, because I still succumb at times to the expectation that there WILL be some fairness in life and those who treat others poorly will receive their just reward in this life.
So now it seems that perhaps that inevitable train wreck is coming for those in power who knew about the abundance of problems at my workplace and did absolutely nothing to rectify them. It seems that the two contracting parties are coming for a visit, and the view from the nosebleed seats (read: those who still work there but have absolutely no say in what goes on) looks like there will be a sword drop. I have heard murmurings that the institute is trying to fire my old boss, and I would be lying if I didn't think that would help tremendously. But frankly there is another person there, who is apparently on leave now, who took all the credit for everyone's work and who out and out LIED about results. Unbelievably, this person has gotten away with it for more than four years. I am hoping that some justice falls on this person, who is so smarmy in dealing with co-workers that they are all celebrating this person's absence during his/her leave!! Crazy.
I wish I could be a fly on the wall when the visit takes place in mid-August, but that is just me being selfish and giving in to my small remaining lump of anger. The further removed I am from that chapter of my life, the less I care...but I do care about my friends still there who have to put up with that nonsense still. If only for their sakes, I hope some big changes for the better ARE forthcoming.
It would not be fair to say that working as a postdoc at the institute shattered my career. Rather, it was a tediously slow process of crumbling it, such as it was. I'm not going to pretend I had a glorious, glittering pathway ahead of me, nor can I say with certainty that I knew exactly what I wanted. I give part of the credit for that to God, because surely He was changing my mind about the whole career treadmill the entire way through grad school and then my two equally disastrous postdocs (each in their own way). You will notice that I say "treadmill", because I do believe that a career, however fulfilling you may find it, doesn't really take you anywhere in the end and it's worth reminding myself of that when I think about it with some sniff of longing. In the big scheme of things a job is what it is--a job, a means to an end. Sometimes you work at a job you really love, but if you wouldn't still do it without a paycheck then is it really something you love?
Anyway, I digress. I was talking about my job at the institute last night with DH and I expressed again that it did make me sad, how something that could have been so great and maybe just a little bit glorious (and here I refer to the team effort for the project, which had it succeeded would have indeed created something a little bit glorious, pushing forward the technology for forensics as it would have) was doomed to fail so completely. One of the dangers of doing postdocs is that you are pretty much required to publish papers from it...and a lack of papers from my 2nd postdoc spells out F-A-I-L-U-R-E quite loudly and clearly to all and sundry in academia and some industry. It is irrelevant whether the postdoc him- or her-self is solely responsible for the failure, the fact is that a postdoc is still in a training/trial period and the failure to publish is weighed heavily on his/her shoulders.
it is with me. If I were ever to want to return to my career as a scientist (such as it was, really the cusp of cygnet into swan, if I were being generous) I would have to do another postdoc in academia if I wanted an academic career...and I might have to do one in industry too, from the way the job market for chemists is going. And that is depressing, quite frankly. To spend five and a half years in grad school, then six months in a hellish postdoc, and then three years in a more likable work environment but with absolutely NO progress and complete dependency on others' work ethic (or lack thereof!!), and to end up on the losing side is really quite crappy, to be blunt. So the selfish/human side of me is waiting for those responsible to be punished, because I still succumb at times to the expectation that there WILL be some fairness in life and those who treat others poorly will receive their just reward in this life.
So now it seems that perhaps that inevitable train wreck is coming for those in power who knew about the abundance of problems at my workplace and did absolutely nothing to rectify them. It seems that the two contracting parties are coming for a visit, and the view from the nosebleed seats (read: those who still work there but have absolutely no say in what goes on) looks like there will be a sword drop. I have heard murmurings that the institute is trying to fire my old boss, and I would be lying if I didn't think that would help tremendously. But frankly there is another person there, who is apparently on leave now, who took all the credit for everyone's work and who out and out LIED about results. Unbelievably, this person has gotten away with it for more than four years. I am hoping that some justice falls on this person, who is so smarmy in dealing with co-workers that they are all celebrating this person's absence during his/her leave!! Crazy.
I wish I could be a fly on the wall when the visit takes place in mid-August, but that is just me being selfish and giving in to my small remaining lump of anger. The further removed I am from that chapter of my life, the less I care...but I do care about my friends still there who have to put up with that nonsense still. If only for their sakes, I hope some big changes for the better ARE forthcoming.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Mature & Together
Those were the two words that leapt out at me recently when a friend from church described her surprise to learn that I am the youngest child in my family. Apparently I am perceived as being very mature and "having it all together". Haha! This kind woman has never visited my house during the week.
You see, I have been doing the women's Bible study thing for about a year now, and I really enjoy doing it. The reason I enjoy doing it is that I have realized exactly how much I don't know about the Bible and God, and it struck me that this was not a good thing. Indeed, I can count numerous examples of friends and family who have been hoodwinked occasionally by the newest fad or socially acceptable practices because they did not know what the Bible had to say on those subjects. So, I recognized a grave lack in myself (and I do think it is a grave lack, that is, a very serious omission on my part as a Christian) and have started what I feel are the first small steps toward rectifying it before I pass on my destructive ignorance to my children.
This kind lady has not seen me at my worst, but God has. While my cluttered house goes unseen by church friends and visiting family, God knows that I can be a lazy @ss sometimes, sitting around on the internet instead of cleaning my house, doing my laundry, emptying my trash, or doing the dirty dishes. She hasn't seen the dirty dishes piled up haphazardly above the dishwasher because I haven't emptied the clean dishes out of it yet. She hasn't seen the eight loads' worth of dirty laundry piled up in the corner of my bedroom, waiting for me to gather up the energy and commitment to do it all. She certainly hasn't seen the dust bunnies the size of Rottweilers under my bed (and just as mean). And she hasn't seen me totally lose it because my DD has pushed one too many buttons and I flip out over something stupid, that requires me to apologize to her later for getting mad about whatever minor thing it was she was doing. And she certainly hasn't seen my very weedy vegetable garden, which probably would grow a lot better if I cleared out all the weeds around the veggie plants.
That is me at my worst, and frankly, it's the norm. I am not "all together" most days. Those days are rare. I hope they are increasing in frequency, but I can say the messy house and messy me is more the norm. And really, that is true of my Christian walk, too. I need commitment and hard work required to keep me keepin' on with getting to know God & the Bible better. I know it's essential, and hence, the women's Bible study. Accountability is a beautiful thing.
You see, I have been doing the women's Bible study thing for about a year now, and I really enjoy doing it. The reason I enjoy doing it is that I have realized exactly how much I don't know about the Bible and God, and it struck me that this was not a good thing. Indeed, I can count numerous examples of friends and family who have been hoodwinked occasionally by the newest fad or socially acceptable practices because they did not know what the Bible had to say on those subjects. So, I recognized a grave lack in myself (and I do think it is a grave lack, that is, a very serious omission on my part as a Christian) and have started what I feel are the first small steps toward rectifying it before I pass on my destructive ignorance to my children.
This kind lady has not seen me at my worst, but God has. While my cluttered house goes unseen by church friends and visiting family, God knows that I can be a lazy @ss sometimes, sitting around on the internet instead of cleaning my house, doing my laundry, emptying my trash, or doing the dirty dishes. She hasn't seen the dirty dishes piled up haphazardly above the dishwasher because I haven't emptied the clean dishes out of it yet. She hasn't seen the eight loads' worth of dirty laundry piled up in the corner of my bedroom, waiting for me to gather up the energy and commitment to do it all. She certainly hasn't seen the dust bunnies the size of Rottweilers under my bed (and just as mean). And she hasn't seen me totally lose it because my DD has pushed one too many buttons and I flip out over something stupid, that requires me to apologize to her later for getting mad about whatever minor thing it was she was doing. And she certainly hasn't seen my very weedy vegetable garden, which probably would grow a lot better if I cleared out all the weeds around the veggie plants.
That is me at my worst, and frankly, it's the norm. I am not "all together" most days. Those days are rare. I hope they are increasing in frequency, but I can say the messy house and messy me is more the norm. And really, that is true of my Christian walk, too. I need commitment and hard work required to keep me keepin' on with getting to know God & the Bible better. I know it's essential, and hence, the women's Bible study. Accountability is a beautiful thing.
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