Bedtime Battles

As I said last time, our DD is having a lot of trouble with bedtimes recently. We thought we had gotten past the tantrum stage, but they have come back in full force at bedtime, and then some. It has been incredibly frustrating for my DH, who is the bedtime parent for DD. Usually I am putting DS down at the same time, and since he's still nursing that leaves DH as the bedtime story reader for DD. Over a few months DD has finagled her bedtime routine to include several add-ons with DH..."nighttime dollies", where they each play-act with a doll on various subjects, and which can take 15-20 minutes, tucking in, finding of ALL the appropriate animals, placing the animals in her hand, in various places, turning on the glowing animals, handing her water cup to her, and then finally singing a lullaby. So what started as a quick ten minute tuck in, story reading, and then nighttime kiss has turned into a routine that regularly takes 30-45 minutes.

Needless to say, DH and I were not best pleased by this turn of events, but DH tolerated it because she wouldn't fuss and would settle down and go to sleep. Lately, though, DD has insisted on all of the above, and at the end of it she STILL throws a crying fit. It has been escalating and escalating, and the day before yesterday DH & I talked about it when we went to bed. We decided that we needed to try ramping her down more before going to her room for bedtime, and that what we were doing wasn't working. However, last night while I was putting DS down, I heard the same pattern of behavior from DD, and the same responses from DH. From my perspective, DH got into the "I'm going to win this no matter what it takes" mindset that afflicts all parents at times, and it was not helping the situation. DD was ramping up more and more based on DH's responses, and it was to the point that she was in danger of throwing up from crying so hard and having such a meltdown.

So, I intervened. Now, I knew that in doing so my DH was going to feel undermined, and I knew that DD was going to view me as the 'savior' in the situation. It is a measure of how bad I felt the situation was, that I did so anyway. While DD was temporarily happy for my intervention, she quickly learned that I was not any less serious about bedtime behavior than Daddy. I used a completely different approach, where I was unemotional and quiet. This helped her to calm down, and as I explained the consequences of her behavior, each time she had another crying jag I gave her a bit of time to cry but then told her to nip it in the bud, or she would lose something. She only got one bedtime story, and she didn't get any nighttime dollies or lullabies. And when she broke the rules by not being quiet, she lost a toy--permanently. It's going to Goodwill today. She was very upset about that.

I don't know if this new approach will work, but we have to do something different. We don't care if she goes to sleep right away--we just want her to stay in her room and be quiet until she does go to sleep. Nighttime is the only time each day that DH & I get together sans kids, and we are going to enforce it, period. All of our friends with three year olds are struggling with the same issue, which is something. We are each trying different things. The spanking for disobeying was not working to curb the behavior, and even the points for good behavior system was failing abysmally during the last week. So now I am going to do the bedtimes, and DH can take a breather from the emotional aspects of it. I think DD has been playing the guilt card with Daddy, and she can't play that with me. I'm home with her alllllll day, so there goes that excuse. I am hoping that she complies with the rules so that Daddy can do bedtime again, because I think she needs that one-on-one time with Daddy. But, a break will hopefully help DH to step back a bit, and it will help DD get with the program.

DH & I talked about it after DD was finally in bed and staying there, quiet. He did feel undermined, and I understood that. We had a good talk about the "ramping down" strategy, and my perception that it was totally abandoned at the first balk from DD. And how I perceived that he was too entangled, and a fresh perspective and pair of hands was needed for a short time. That happens in parenting. DH has called me on it several times when one of the kids is playing me. He only wants me to talk to him in private, away from our children. I completely agree--but, if it's a situation that is escalating, escalating, escalating, and one of our kids is about to make themselves sick...well, then somebody has lost perspective. Last night I think DH lost perspective, and I called him on it. I hope he will do the same for me, as he has done in the past. Even if it means a bit of undermining in front of one or both children. Because at the end of the day, we both want our kids to be healthy, well-behaved, and well-adjusted. And when a parent loses perspective and gets into "battle mode", it's not helpful for the parents or the kids. And yes, I will be mad, just like DH was mad. But that undermining is temporary, and we can deal with it. DD does not have the emotional resources to deal with bedtime being such a battle that she is about to throw up because she doesn't feel like we are hearing what she's saying. It's a very fine balance, and I know we don't get it right all the time. But when one of us knows the other has lost it, we should certainly call each other on it. At least, that's how I see it.