The Value Judgement

Well we had a good time visiting my brother and his family this past weekend. As anticipated, there were many value judgements on both sides. My brother and his wife have taken a completely opposite style of parenting to the one my DH & I are using, and this revealed itself in several comparisons between our children. Of course rationally we all know that each child is different, and responds best to different things, but human nature being what it is, we couldn't refrain from comparing them (and when I say "we", I don't mean just DH & I, but also my brother and SIL).

Their kids tend to be smaller than ours. What can we say, ours are members of the Big Baby Club. I think DS at 16 months of age is pretty darn close to the weight of their almost 5 year old DD! Crazy. And we noticed that if you looked at DD and Niece#2 playing together, you'd never guess that DD was 18 months younger. Just those BBC genes at work again.

SIL has decided that we are picky eaters, and this is true. However, we were trying our best to fit in with whatever they were making, and SIL was insistent that she only make things we liked! Kind hospitality but we felt like we were imposing whenever she made a meal, because she had to say something, again, about our pickiness. But they can't seem to refrain from making value judgements in their commentary about their lifestyle anyway. My brother was continually telling us, "Well I don't eat much meat any more. It's healthier to eat mostly vegetarian, and cheaper too." Yes, thank you, we know this. And we also already know this about you. You don't have to tell us every time a meal is being made with meat, TYVM. Talk about Dad Jr. syndrome--it's just the kind of constant repetitious comment that our dad makes.

Of course, our DD had meltdowns at bedtime on two of the three nights we were there. The first night, we made the mistake of letting her attempt to sleep with her cousins in the living room, sleepover-style. We should have known better from the get-go...DD is three, she is not able to handle the constant temptation of playing with her cousin, and she was not going to go to sleep in that environment. So we warned her twice, then put her in her cousin's bedroom upstairs, where she had a complete and utter meltdown. She was up way past her normal bedtime, she was tired from traveling there, and she was excited about her cousins. Go figure, right? Well, I could practically hear the waves of disapproval from my brother and SIL. I know they were saying to each other, "They should just let her stay up...she'll fall asleep eventually." Because that is their approach--no fixed bedtimes. Which is fine for their house, their kids. But we know OUR kid, and she was not going handle that well the next day. She would have woken up at her normal time, just been super-cranky and tired and naughty all day. No thanks. The third night she had another meltdown, because we again deviated from the bedtime routine, and let her start watching a movie with her cousins. Will we ever learn, it's a huge mistake to deviate from the bedtime routine??? Anyhow, she wasn't watching it, she was playing with her cousin and ramping up again, so we put a stop to that and back to bed upstairs. Another meltdown. C'est la vie...but we aren't going to just go with the flow when we know our kids will be poorer for it.

On the other hand, their almost five year old is going through an episode of 'pants soiling', which she has been doing for three weeks and apparently only does at home--not at school, not at friends' houses. Hmm. They are incredibly frustrated (rightly so) and were clearly unhappy that we witnessed this fun parenting struggle they are having with their (incredibly strong-willed, damn those stubborn genes from our side of the family :~D) daughter. No, we were not going to call my sister or my parents to tattle on this episode, though they probably thought we were. (I digress, but for some reason they think that whenever they are visited their visits are discussed ad nauseum amongst the rest of the family...a circumstance which has happened once regarding the present debacle at Christmastime...and who were they kidding, like my parents weren't going to tell my sister about it?? Anyway...) And my husband and I quietly discussed it when we were alone and agreed that should one of our children exhibit this behavior we would handle it differently. But that's it. Apart from suggesting mildly to my SIL that perhaps they should discuss it with their pediatrician to make sure there is nothing physically wrong, we kept our mouths shut. But still, of course DH & I had made a value judgement based on that.

It just goes to show that regardless of how much we try to be accepting of the differences in our family, there is always a subtext in play due to the vastly different lifestyles and parenting choices that have been made. When my parents are there, that brings a whole 'nother dynamic, because my brother feels obligated to relive his (rebellious) teen years in their presence, which irritates the hell out of me (Um, hello, you're nearly FORTY, don't you think it's time to move on with your relationship to your parents?). So visits are definitely more low-key when that dynamic is removed. And our kids do have a good time, even if we have to keep a close eye on influences. Let's just say, underpants are optional for kiddos in their house (and I'm not talking about just occasionally, I mean ALL THE TIME, to school, to friends' houses, just...everywhere), and they most certainly are NOT optional in our house. After finding my DD bottomless with her cousin and wanting to run around as such in their backyard, I explained quietly but firmly that we did things differently in our family and she was not allowed to run around without her panties on. She put them back on and it was fine. Still, I hope that it doesn't curtail visits in the future because we have to spend a lot of time deprogramming our kids. I hope we can keep balancing our lifestyle choices with the need and desire to stay close with our family members. It should get really interesting when our kids get a bit older. Wish us luck.