In point of fact, I really ought to be grading my students' extra credit assignments right now, and answering a student's email, but frankly I just cannot do it, no I will NOT and you can't MAKE me, damn it! I am TIRED. That's TIRED, in case you didn't get my meaning. No matter how much my husband and I thought we kind of knew what to expect from having three kids, we didn't. Yeah, take the level of tiredness we thought we'd be facing, and multiply it by THREE. Totally underestimated the amount of sniping, irritation, and anger we would have toward each other due to the increased demands on our attention and energy. Any little things that used to sort of bother us have now become things that cause moments of eye twitching rage and smouldering irritation. And we did figure that out about four months ago, but nonetheless it is still very hard to remember that in a moment when one of us has just done something that really, truly pisses off the other person. And it's not like it's even big stuff, it's the little, insane bits that just gnaw at you, and even when your rational self says, "Self, this is not a big deal, this is something to work on later when we aren't crazy busy and sleep deprived all the time," it is still hard to see the bigger picture.
I am very glad that my husband and I took a good marriage class several years ago, B.C. (before children). It gave us some really good coping skills which we use daily. However, I think that the demands of 3 preschool children (including 1 infant) really exposes the microscale cracks in a marriage--and just like the effects of ice on cracks in concrete or asphalt, it widens them over time. Gary Chapman says no marriage is ever static--it's either getting better, or it's getting worse. And frankly I think my husband and I would both say ours has gotten slightly worse over the past seven or eight months. It's a small slide, but it's noticeable. It's noticeable when you say something that's not very nice to your spouse, and even if it's a product of a thoughtless or half-thought, it still hurts. And it hurts you too to realize you said something that hurt your spouse's feelings. After all, your marriage is a partnership and you are a team. It's depressing to find yourself saying or doing things that sabotage that, especially if that moment happens in front of your children--who are watching everything you do. And it's noticeable to have less time to yourselves, time to recharge and *be* and reconnect with each other. Sitting on the couch together is nice, but when you're both so tired that you're falling asleep, or zoning out on your laptop or to some TV program, that doesn't really count.
I would love to have a monthly date night, but the fact is that dates cost money, in the form of babysitters and at least a few bucks for a coffee somewhere. And we are trying to get ready for my long, lean, unpaid summer off, plus have the money to pay for finishing projects that can only be done in good weather, like the missing/rotting wall on our shed. And really, we just need to not be exhausted every night. It's very easy to tell ourselves, "this too shall pass", but given the fact that our three year old still wakes up most nights of the week needing something, and we have a seven month old baby...well, you do the math. That light at the end of that particular tunnel doesn't seem very bright or very close. Add in the fact that DH, who we are so very grateful to God remains gainfully employed, is now working EST hours, while we live PST. That makes for a really tough, long day. It's stressful, period.
I love my husband. I LOOOOOOOOOVE him. He does so many gorgeous, glorious, sexy, bad-ass wonderful things for me and our family. And I LOVE my kids. They are maddeningly glorious and messy and joyful dervishes whirling through life. LOVE IT ALL. It's just a lot to manage. Add in my own fantasy expectations for glorious, weed-free gardens, moss-free lawns, perfect vegetable garden, and perfectly organized, clean house (hahahaahahahahahahahahaa!!! AH HAHAHAHAHAAHAHA...no, really, I DO want an organized clean house...doesn't mean I know HOW to get there), and you have the need for serious priority-setting and realistic expectation setting. I know rationally that we are in a busy period of our lives. However, I also know that we have to do a certain amount of *maintenance* on our property and yards, in order to keep it from devaluing, and keep ourselves from creating massively expensive maintenance problems in the future. Figuring out exactly how much has to be done is the key, and this is only our second house, and our first older house. It's more of "a lot" on our plate, and we need to figure it out, because maybe then it will stop stressing me out.
Yet again we are having to adjust to the "new normal", the new parental strains, the new home ownership challenges, the new budgeting, etc. It's Life, and frankly sometimes I want to go back to being a whirling dervish myself and forget all this crap that constitutes life as a Certified Adult. Vacation, anyone? If I could only figure out how to pay for it.
1 comment:
Oh, do I ever feel you on this! When we had three preschoolers in the house, it was HELLISH. So tired, so much to do, so tired, so little time, SO TIRED...I'd sit down on the couch and just ZONE while the dishes and laundry piled higher and higher and we were out of toilet paper and the baby wanted to nurse and the toddler had pulled out all the crayons and was EATING them and then my husband would get home and Look At Me like, "What have you been DOING all day?" and I'd Look At Him like, "You @*^&@*ing jerk!" and then we'd be hissing and spitting at each other...NOT our best times.
You already know this, of course, but it DOES get better. Things are still crazy, messy, weedy, and far-less-than-perfect, but at least we (usually) get to sleep through the night now! Amazingly, a good night's sleep makes everything else a lot easier to handle...hang in there!!
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