Visits, In-Laws, and Offenses

DH was just informed this morning that his parents will not be coming over for Christmas as originally planned, due to the surprise pregnancy of SIL, whose 3rd child is now due on Christmas Day. Their second child is 7, so this is a bit of a surprise, although a very welcome one! Naturally my in-laws want to be at home to help out and meet their newest grandchild, so that's all very exciting and wonderful news.

On the downside, it removes a very large incentive from our sluggish bottoms with regard to doing something with our guest cottage. It's good, in that we would prefer to pay cash as we go for improvements to the cottage, but it's also bad, because we are far less likely to actually proceed with any improvements without a hard deadline of a looming family visit. I hope that we will actually proceed with unpacking and tidying out there, and maybe continue to investigate the plumbing situation and save up some designated funds for putting in the bathroom, and making the electrical upgrades that will likely be triggered by the necessity of a waste pump for the bathroom (the joys of being slightly down-grade from the septic system).

This also, I think, puts a bit more charge on our upcoming visit (under 70 days and counting) to Ireland. Without any firm plans for a reciprocal visit, it makes things a bit more open-ended and a bit more dramatic (i.e. the "I don't know when we'll see you next" type of thing), which can be a bit draining for everyone involved. I truly envy DH's multi-decade friendships and the close-knit, extended family network that he grew up with in Ireland. Being an Air Force brat, I would not know what that is like. However, that rachets up the emotional cost to being 'that American woman who took our son away', and however lovely my in-laws are I'm sure there are times that they wish he had found a nice Irish girl and settled at home, not 5000 miles away in America. Add in the fact that I'm a Christian who has likewise 'corrupted' their son into being a Christian too (I'm sure my FIL feels this way in some small measure, although he is far too much of a gentleman to admit as much even to DH), and it's pretty clear that I am "Other"--a well-loved "Other", but "Other" nonetheless.

There is also something which I term the Fear of Offense Factor™, which arose chiefly from an extensive party/family gathering just after the Iraq war started, where I found myself (the lone American in the room) under attack from all family members present for the entirety of America's foreign policy, the decision to go to war in Iraq, and the countless humanitarian suffering that was unfolding. I think they were so eager to discuss it and have "their views heard!" that there was a bit of forgetting that, while being American, I am not the President, nor am I even a member of Congress, and while I vote I cannot be held accountable for America's foreign policy. Alcohol was being consumed, I was getting tired of being lambasted for the war, I was also tired of a complete failure to take into account the press reports at that time of the infamous "weapons of mass destruction" which numerous countries (including France) thought Iraq had...and well, I got a bit testy. I believe I suggested to people that they write letters to the President to register their complaints, and that no matter what America does in the world, it's never the right thing (intervene in Bosnia/Darfur/East Timor! No, don't intervene in the sovereign affairs of another country!). I was a bit pissed off after about three hours of railing about Iraq, to say the least.

Since then, my greater assortment of in-laws are afraid to discuss anything remotely controversial with me. It's like the mutual consensus is, "Oooo, she was really pissed off that one time, so we'd better not discuss religion/politics/world issues/immigration/environmental issues/anything-remotely-controversial-about-which-she-might-have-an-alternate-viewpoint." So for recent visits I have discovered that DH has had spirited discussions with his sisters and father about all sorts of hotbed issues, and the conversation just sort of stops if I show up in the room. Hmmmm. *eye tic* Mostly the conversations take place late at night, when I'm sure to have gone to bed because our children will be up at the crack of dawn and require one parent at least to be awake and conscious. But anything that might be offensive, well, there are profuse apologies rendered and a bit of eggshell stepping which I find tiresome. My SIL mistakenly sent me a YouTube video of Jesus lip-synching to Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive", and being hit by a bus. She sent a very apologetic message to me hoping I wasn't offended. What, because I'm a Christian my sense of humor was removed, like a humor lobectomy? Of course I wasn't offended! I think my favorite YouTube to that song is the alien disco queen with the disco ball, but that's beside the point. The point is, just because I might have a different opinion does not mean that I should be excluded from conversations about controversial issues.

I hope that on this visit I can successfully communicate this. I hope that they don't avoid discussing things with me because they just don't want to hear an alternative point of view. The fact is that we all have biases and the media we use for our source of news have their biases, and it's fair to say we ought to be aware of that. However, it does not make the discussions any less interesting, or another viewpoint less valid. I hope that DH doesn't feel guilty because we don't live in Ireland (have you SEEN the cost of living over there??), or because we parent differently than his sister or parents did (slightly differently, I might add). I hope that just because I think about things differently, I don't feel left out. Waaa. Sorry for the whiny post. Just a few musings in the hope that by working through these thoughts in my own headspace before we go, it will be a pleasant trip for all.