What Extra Weight Costs These Days

Well, today it cost me $44. That's the price difference I forked over between my two possible Easter clothing choices. I found a skirt and blazer this morning at Goodwill, which could have sufficed for my Easter outfit, except they were both a *tinch* too tight--enough that I thought the better of purchasing them for the lofty sum of $10 total. I left them in the dressing room and went on my merry way, making myself content with the Easter baskets for the kids (69 cents each), plastic grass (69 cents), and a skirt for DD ($3).

The skirt encountered that familiar problem to those women who've had a c-section and also kept a few of those baby pounds--the "shelf effect". All that extra abdominal fat just sits above the scar, unable to distribute further. It really amplifies the "tire" effect of that abdominal fat, and I really hate it. It makes clothes fit improperly, because it's the one area that is big and the rest of your figure is a size slimmer. I keep thinking about my old personal trainer in Arizona and how her stomach was totally FLAT after having had 2 children. She had a lot of loose skin, and it was all wrinkled and packed in sort of like an elephant, but her stomach was flat and you'd never know looking at her that she had all that extra skin folded away in there. It was a marvel to behold, I'm telling you.

Anyway, I left Goodwill without the skirt and blazer. The arms were a bit tight, too, which is purely the result of extra all-over bodyfat. Later on, I went to Kohls since they had a BOGO sale on most of their women's clothes, and I figured I could probably find something on the clearance rack or elsewhere. I found a chenille v-neck sweater on clearance, and a skirt to match that was a BOGO item, but still cost $34 by itself. I couldn't find any other BOGOs in that line that I liked, so cruised the store (children in tow) and found more items. I made two pilgrimages to the dressing rooms and endured DD opening the door twice during the second visit, and found a dress I loved that was flattering to me. Ouch Factor: $50! YIKES! It was a BOGO item, and I had found a casual shirt I really liked--$38, and it was another BOGO.

Now, I could have gone out and found one more BOGO item, and bought all four BOGOs. I didn't. Not because I wasn't tempted to do so, because I was, but because the kids were done with shopping and I was not optimistic that I would find something else without a third trip to the dressing rooms...plus it's disheartening to keep seeing price tags like that. I decided that however charming the skirt was, I would have to buy the $12 sweater to match it, which meant $46. And I have been hankering for a dress, a real dress as opposed to the endless blouses and skirts I have been wearing due to DS and breastfeeding. He is old enough now to last without me feeding him before or after church, so I can actually wear one piece dresses again! Hooray! Anyway, I did justify it to myself in that vein, and I bought the dress, and the casual shirt was free. So I paid $54 and change for my "Easter dress". And I could have paid $10 for my "Easter dress" if I weighed less. A 81.5% price hike, for the privilege of being fat. *Gulp*

I'm really upset with myself about this. Lately I've had the earthshattering realization that it's all the little decisions I make every day that add up to me being unable to creep down past this plateau weight I've been sitting at for well over 6 months. Actually, that's not true--I did make it down past this weight by 8 lbs, but then Christmas came and I shot right back up here. I don't like it here. I don't like being a size 16. And yet every day, I choose to not eat as many fruits and vegetables as I should. I choose not to do even five minutes of cardio by jumping around with the kids. I choose not to make time for just a little yoga. I choose to snack when the kids snack, and to keep justifying cream in my morning coffee "because it's nicer" than nonfat milk. All those little choices are so powerful when put together, and because I choose the wrong way every day, I sit at this weight and pay a price for it with my health, my energy and stamina levels, and my children pay a price because I don't want to play chase with them as long. That makes me sad and a bit angry at myself. I know a lack of self-discipline is a major generational issue in my family, but to see it so blindingly in myself and not choose differently, it's quite depressing. I am going to have to really work at framing those choices in that light, and see if that helps push the see-saw in the other direction. Something has to change here, or I am staring down the bad genes for diabetes and heart issues. I have to make the better choice every time, or it's not going to add up to a big difference.

Wish me luck.