Being There

Here we are, almost a month on from when my world was cracked & shaken a bit, and my friend's world broke into pieces. The memorial service is over, the burial has taken place, and she & her family are trying to pick up the pieces and find some new form of "normal". My heart is still aching for them, but while I carry a stone of grief, they are carrying a boulder. It is so hard to know what is the best way to help, and after an initial flurry of practical help for meals, etc, now it is clear that the best way I (we, my family & I) can help them is to just be there for them.

Today was good, I think. She came over for a playdate, and their surviving daughter (almost 3) had a good time playing with our oldest two kids. Of course my eldest DD is the same age as her sister was, so she felt comfortable with her. And she has been over many times before for playdates, so she knows where stuff is, what our house is like, what kinds of toys we have, etc. It was so nice to see her running around with my kids and just being a regular *kid*, not being shy and quiet and clingy. She didn't want to leave when it was time to go, which I think was the best compliment she could have paid to my kids. They all had a ball, playing dress up and make-believe games with cats and fairies and all the other shiny, bubbly pretend games that kids at those ages love to play.

My friend is coping so well. Of course everything is so skewed--she said her house is "so quiet, too quiet". I cannot express adequately how my heart hurts for her. She is trying to figure out what could possibly be the reason for this, and of course she doesn't have an answer. She believes there is a reason for everything, and she hopes that the press coverage about the death has helped some parents who were on the fence about the H1N1 vaccine, to get the vaccine for their kids. She said so many little things remind her of her daughter--she will be going along, and think she is doing okay for a while, and something else comes forward to remind her of her child and then she's back to the beginning again. She's sick of people asking her how she is doing. Of course she is! She can't even go Christmas shopping for their surviving child without facing an array of toys that instantly remind her of her firstborn, the "Oh, ________ would love that!" and that split second realization that there isn't a child at home to buy it for, any more.

Grief is so hard, because it is so intensely personal. Everyone does it differently. I can only hope, that in being there to listen and sympathize and cry alongside her, that I can help ease my friend's grief for just a moment or two, a little at a time. I know she & her husband are going to carry this with them for the rest of their lives on this earth, but I hope that the edges soften for them, sooner rather than later. It is really the worst thing I have seen anyone go through, and the worst thing I have gone through, even flitting along the edges. I would not wish it on anyone. It is no wonder that death is described as the enemy in the Bible. I just keep asking God to gather them in His arms and keep them in His hand, because He's the only one who can and has defeated this ultimate enemy. I am still sad.

Grieving

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He is Dead.
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

W.H. Auden

My daughter lost a friend today, my friend lost her daughter today. I guess it was yesterday, now. Wow. I am seeking comfort from the One who made me, He who mourns with me and is the ultimate Comforter. I am praying that my friend, her husband, her surviving daughter, that they all feel God's Hands and warmth and hugs now. I will miss their bright, spunky, beautiful princess. It will be so hard, that first time that I bring my daughter to preschool, and see that their daughter is no longer there...after two years of school together, and tight friendship and playdates and always chatting with my friend while dropping off/picking up our daughters. My friend will not be there. I am so, so sad.

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ."

2 Corinthians 1:3-5

Tolerance = Agreement

Well here in WA state we are facing an upcoming election. On Tuesday, November 3rd, voters are being asked to vote on a variety of local elections, and two big state referendums. One concerns limiting state and local governments general funds in a manner that ties it to income and inflation, with the rest being kicked back in the form of property tax cuts, á la Prop. 13 in California. The other is Prop. 71, which states:

This bill would expand the rights, responsibilities, and obligations accorded state-registered same-sex and senior domestic partners to be equivalent to those of married spouses, except that a domestic partnership is not a marriage.

Here's the backstory: Voters in WA passed in 1998 a Defense of Marriage act which defined marriage in Washington state to be the traditional marriage between one man and one woman. In May 2009 Governor Christine Gregoire signed into law a bill passed by the state legislature to grant all the rights heretofore accorded to married couples to domestic partnerships, which essentially gave all the legal rights of marriage without the name "marriage". The supporters of traditional marriage in WA accordingly collected signatures and filed a petition to refer this new law for referendum and approval by the voters, as they are allowed to do under the state constitution. Therefore this measure is now on the ballot for the November 3rd election.

Here is the real nitty gritty issue with this referendum--and I'm not talking about the referendum itself. Instead, I'm talking about the hullabaloo that has cropped about around the petition to refer this legislation to the ballot. In particular, there has been a nasty legal tussle about the identities of signers of the petition to put Prop. 71 on the ballot. Opponents of Prop. 71 have argued that the petition is a matter of public record and therefore all the identities of the signers should be released. There are two organizations that have been created which promise to publish the list of signers as soon as they are made public: knowthyneighbor.org, and whosigned.org . Proponents of Prop. 71 have argued that petition signing is a form of political speech, and therefore protected (and private/secret) under the 1st Amendment to the U.S. Constitution.

The big problem I have here is that there are people and judges/courts that actually agree that these names should be made public! Since when does signing a political petition to get an issue on a ballot NOT constitute political speech?? Ummmmmm, the last time I checked, I wasn't required to show anyone my ballot choices before I put it into the ballot box. And the same goes for signing my NAME on any petition to get something ONTO that ballot! You might as well require folks to sign their name and initial next to every ballot choice, because requiring public disclosure of petition signers' identities amounts to that.

The Washington Secretary of State had argued that the names needed to be released according to the Washington Public Records Act. Apparently the Secretary of State has not read this particular piece of legislation, because when I looked it up in WA's law books I found this interesting tidbit about invasion of privacy:

A person's "right to privacy," "right of privacy," "privacy," or "personal privacy," as these terms are used in this chapter, is invaded or violated only if disclosure of information about the person: (1) Would be highly offensive to a reasonable person, and (2) is not of legitimate concern to the public.

Now I would certainly argue that, given that the organizations geared up to publish this data are called "Know Thy Neighbor" and "Who Signed", there is a great deal of offense being taken about who signed this petition. Secondly, I would also point out that signing a petition to refer a measure to the ballot does not necessarily indicate how a person would vote. It could well be that people signed the petition with the idea that they wanted to vote for the law and give their voter seal of approval to it.

Furthermore, I also found when I read the Public Records Act that petitions to refer legislation to ballot are not included in RCW 42.56.070, the subsection that details which types of records must be made public. And, even if these types of documents were included, there is again a specific clause protecting privacy which states, "To the extent required to prevent an unreasonable invasion of personal privacy interests protected by this chapter, an agency shall delete identifying details in a manner consistent with this chapter when it makes available or publishes any public record; however, in each case, the justification for the deletion shall be explained fully in writing."

This is a big deal, folks, and it's not going to go away. The U.S. Supreme Court has waded in to uphold a restraining order preventing the release of signers' identities, but the whole case is on appeal and will probably end up in the U.S. Supreme Court before all is said and done. It has made the Colbert Report, with Stephen Colbert satirizing the lawsuit and those who are arguing that the signatures should remain private. Proponents of Prop. 71 argue that traditional marriage supporters are being subjected to harassment and intimidation similar to what supporters of California's Prop. 8 experienced. That's ugliness at its worst, and it's not getting better.

What I'd like is for somebody to tell me how this is "tolerance"? It's tolerant to demand the names of people who sign a petition to refer a law to the ballot, because you need to "know your neighbor"? How so? What exactly about their signature on a ballot petition is in any way your business? What is essentially being argued for here is, "if you don't agree with me or I think you are giving the appearance to me, of not agreeing with me, I need to know about it". So really, "tolerance" means "agreement". Because if you don't agree with me, then I need to know about it. I don't think so.

I'm sorry, I hadn't realized that the right to maintain a difference of opinion means I give up my right to privacy at the ballot box and other legally mandated rights as a voter, which includes the petition process. I'm not buying it, and I'm betting the U.S. Supreme Court won't either (here's a hint...only one justice on the court disagreed with the restraining order being upheld). But it's very disturbing to me that such a large number of people seem to think they have a right to identify people who sign a ballot petition. This is a disturbing trend toward stripping rights away from folks just because they disagree with the perceived "mainstream" opinion. The fact that so many states have passed "defense of marriage" legislation at the ballot box ought to be a pretty good indicator that the "mainstream" opinion as given by the media is not really so "mainstream" after all.

Randomania

I've been super, über busy lately, so this blog is going to be a real shotgun blast of stuff.

• Why is it that all infants seem to have a "poopy" outfit? You know, the one outfit that you put the kid in, and guaranteed that they will have a huge blowout diaper sometime during the day while they are wearing it? Granted this can be handy if you think your baby is getting constipated, but it also always seems to be the cutest outfit that you have for the baby that is chosen as the "poopy" outfit by the baby.
• Grading sucks. No, really, 250 assignments/quizzes/labs to grade per week is a tad much given my (scanty but I will take it TYVM) pay rate. However, on the plus side, students' handwriting on their homework assignments gets really amusing when you're grading at 11:30 pm and have been awake since 7 am.
• Please get a flu shot, preferably both seasonal and H1N1. I will not tell you the number of times I have been tilting at windmills in some internet forums about this lately, but it really is important for everyone who is able, to get immunized. If you want to read about why vaccines are safe, check out the CDC's website (they are not part of a vast government conspiracy, folks--they are just scientists who are trying to do their job and protect the public health according to scientifically proven evidence that has passed rigorous peer review). The very young kiddos (like my baby) and immunocompromised individuals who cannot be immunized are reliant on the general population getting the flu shot to prevent it from spreading. Flu kills 36,000 people per year in America. If more people were vaccinated, that number would directly decrease. If you could prevent one car accident where someone would die, wouldn't you? So please get immunized.
• Grading sucks. Did I say that already? Well, it does.
• A two year old and a four year old squabbling nearly constantly for the entirety of the day is quite draining for the parents. It seems like discipline falls on deaf ears (and numb bottoms, when spankings are required). At some point they will outgrow this, right? Right??
• This economy, it majorly sucketh. My husband is still in limbo-land regarding his job, but from all indications from much higher-ups, he is safe and a bunch of other folks, are about to lose their jobs. You know that old saw about being in the top 10% of employees at work, and that will protect your job? Yeah, it's holding true here. He is going to be reporting to a higher up, so that is sort of a back-door promotion-with-no-pay-raise-or-title-change. Now those other folks are going to be unemployed, and I pray that God will provide a better job for them for their sakes. But it does not feel good to be unemployed, especially leading up to Christmas. Now my husband will continue doing the jobs of four people, and add in the jobs of others who will be let go. Needless to say, he is tired from the demands on his skills and energy. I feel sorry for him, and selfishly (cravenly) glad that he still has a job. I do not know what we would do if he lost his job--we would be in big, big trouble.
• Speaking of which, the old emergency fund is on life support, and we need to resuscitate it pronto. My salary, it helps. But we have Ye Olde Debt to pay off, and we also have a terrible economy. So while credit card companies are raising interest rates even for good customers (ouch), I have a non-existent emergency fund that I need to rebuild. These two things are mutually exclusive, yes? So we need to find the right balance here. We also have to buckle down majorly on the expenditures. M-A-J-O-R-L-Y. I am seriously thinking we need to declare debit cards off-limits entirely. We are just blowing way past our grocery budget and eating out budget and entertainment/crap/clothes/everything else budget. Hell, what budget? That's been the mindset around here, and owies, that costs. A serious spending freeze and the reign of King Cash, Only and Verily Yea Even for Gas, Deposit Ye Olde Cash at Bank and then Go Straight to Costco Gas Do Not Pass GO Do Not Collect $200 or Even a Measly Starbucks on the Way.

*sigh* It's a lot to be juggling. I have dropped the ball and fallen down and scraped my nose and elbow and knee on the budget and the blood on the spreadsheet, it is not good. I have Christmas presents to buy and I want to take advantage of good deals as they pop up, but I have to be really conscious of what it actually *costs* to just "throw something on the credit card and pay it off later". Because "later" is really expensive, so that makes it not such a good deal, huh? Yes, I still suck at basic math even WITH a PhD (not really but somehow my brain goes "Lalalalala!" when it comes to doing math with OUR MONEY as opposed to some other scientific number crunching). Failed juggler, that's me. Time to pick up all the balls again and start juggling madly. There is grading/budgeting/laundry calling my name. Stay tuned.

Birth in America

There is something really wrong with birth in America. Oh, sure, plenty of women are still giving birth. However, if you ask women themselves about their birth experiences, you will get a wide range of opinions. Most troubling is the fact that there is a significant proportion of women who are extremely dissatisfied with their birth experience. These women are in fact so dissatisfied with their children's births that there is a significant movement in the United States today to have home births, use midwives, and push back against the hospital culture in general.

Unfortunately, I have become a better educated woman with each of my three children's births, and I have learned that the standard hospital birth is usually not the best. Where other similar countries have managed to reduce their infant mortality rates, we are just treading water and remaining the same. We have the worst or nearly the worst infant mortality rates of any comparable industrialized country (i.e. eliminating very small countries with less than 100,000 births). Worse still is the fact that the USA's maternal morbidity has actually risen between 2000 to 2005 when compared to the declines registered by other similar first-world (i.e. industrialized) countries. How the heck is this possible? I thought the U.S. is supposed to have the world's best health care!

The problem is that the U.S. has a very high rate of cesarean section--about 33% as of 2007. This is a much higher rate than most other industrialized countries. When the c-section rate was first measured in the USA, it was 4.5% (1965). There has been a slow but steady climb in the c-section rate, but the problem is that the fetal and maternal morbidity statistics show no improvement in conjunction with this massive increase in cesarean sections. A c-section is supposed to be a life-saving procedure for moms and babies. So if this is the case, and all c-sections performed in the USA were really necessary to save the life of the mother and/or baby, shouldn't we see a corresponding decrease in fetal and maternal morbidity from childbirth? Instead, we see an increase in maternal morbidity and zero improvement in fetal morbidity--this when our rates of each are already among the highest of comparable industrialized nations! This is a TRAVESTY!! I am utterly flabbergasted that this is not a BIG, HAIRY DEAL in the current discussions about health care reform in the USA, because, again, studies show that this poor rate of morbidity for moms and babies is NOT the result of poor prenatal care for moms, or confined to one subgroup such as immigrants or low income mothers. So if this is not something that can be attributed to some missing healthcare for poor moms or recent immigrants, it logically must involve a systemic problem in maternal and fetal healthcare in the United States!

The glaring difference for the USA is cesarean section, and also the incredibly short hospital stays for new mothers. Most other industrialized countries provide postpartum support in the form of mandatory home health visits by trained nurses, or keep their mothers and babies in the hospital for longer. In this way, the healthcare system can spot postpartum complications for moms and babies, and get them corrected sooner. Here we are shoved out of the hospital within 1-2 days for a vaginal birth, 2-3 for a cesarean (if that is where we choose to give birth) and are asked to bring the baby in for a check-up within a few days, then they don't see the baby again for two months! Mom is treated to a visit with the obstetrician/gynecologist at SIX WEEKS postpartum--far, far too long for moms that experience complications. Further, the US does not provide a great deal of education to new mothers regarding what they can expect post-partum, and ways to diagnose what is normal or abnormal with regard to their lochia, cramping, etc. Most "postpartum education" in this vein involves giving the mom a printed sheet of information at worst, and at best a labor & delivery nurse reeling through the list with the mom as she completes a blizzard of discharge paperwork.

But back to the cesarean section rate. One of the new factors contributing to this increase is the tendency for doctors to practice defensive medicine, and opt to counsel patients with suspected macrosomic babies (i.e. babies weighing in excess of 4000 g, or 8.8 lbs) to have a scheduled c-section rather than attempt a trial of labor. This is a widely known practice--so widely used that there are multiple websites and tales of woe concerning this and how to avoid it. Why do doctors do this? Well, they claim to be worried about shoulder dystocia, despite its extremely low incidence rates, and damage to the mother's bladder, urethra, and vagina (prolapsed bladder, urinary incontinence), despite the fact that these types of injuries occur with a percentage of all vaginal deliveries. (As a side note, there is a reason that many older women are candidates for the "bow" repair to their bladders/urethras, and it's because pushing out a baby regardless of the baby's size is gonna have an impact on the adjacent organs and their placement/function!) My own obstetrician frankly admitted in her discussions with me concerning her repeat cesarean recommendation that she was concerned about her malpractice insurance and her license when I was planning a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) with my third child. So certainly defensive medicine has a large part to play.

Now a lot of people say, "Well, as long you have a healthy baby and healthy mom, that's all that matters." And our culture says that a doctor (most often, an obstetrician) and a hospital setting are a proven formula and the safest way to give birth. It's the modern way! Most of us have the assumption that if a woman chooses to give birth at home or even a birthing center, she is endangering her baby and herself. In fact, that is not true. Given the inherent risks associated with a cesarean, and the fact that a third of all women giving birth in the U.S. end up having one, there is a lot to be said for a prospective mother preparing in advance to avoid a cesarean if she chooses to labor in the hospital, or to labor at home or in a birthing center with a trained midwife. Further the maternal and fetal morbidity statistics would argue strongly AGAINST our hospitals currently being the safest place to give birth.

And, there is a hidden cost to the prominent form of labor management, where the doctor and hospital staff believe that their usual modus operandi is always best. The question now being asked: do doctors deliberately manipulate the drugs available to induce labor to deliberately cause fetal distress and precipitate a c-section? The number of women reporting trauma and abuse from doctors and hospital staff over their births is astounding--so much so that one woman is suing her attending obstetrician for abuse, a woman has won a lawsuit for an unnecessary cesarean, and millions of women find it necessary to attend counseling and support groups. There is also an active and vocal movement, prominently visualized by Ricki Lake and her documentary, "The Business of Being Born," which is seeking to change the status quo and actually improve our maternity care here in the U.S. Yet you rarely hear about any of this on the news, and it's certainly not being debated as part of the discussion of healthcare reform.

So, when a well-meaning person says, "At least you have a healthy baby," they don't know how right they are. At least, and we could (and should) be doing much, much better to give our moms and babies the best possible care and start to life.

The Hot Spot

It's certainly different with three children. My lap is the hot spot, with each child competing for their share of my lapfront property. Of course the newborn has top dibs, but my son and daughter are equally quick to snatch their opportunities as well. I have never felt so popular. Fortunately my scar is pretty much healed over now, and the bruises are mostly gone. This helps enormously when my son, who is quite a bruiser (a solid, stocky build--this kid will always be BIG), clambers up on my lap like he's conquering a steel playgym frame. Whereas previously such activity would cause me grimace and squirm away from his digging toes, now I am slightly more prepared.

I am having a harder time refraining from picking up my two eldest children when they need something. Yesterday I picked up our 45 lb daughter because she fell and hurt herself on the backyard playground. I've picked up our 42 lb son (and he's 2 years younger than our oldest daughter...I told you, this kid is big) several times to help him into his carseat and into a stroller or shopping cart. All of which is supposed to be verboten still, as we are only at the 2.5 week mark since my c-section. I admit to having a bit of trepidation about things settling back into their proper places internally. It seems to be taking longer for certain postpartum symptoms to subside than it did last time, but then again it's not as if I took notes! It does not help to have folks chastising me about such things as well. Please, you explain to our two year old why Mommy, the closest adult, cannot help him into his carseat and such.

I remember that our eldest daughter (I am still having to get used to this, the whole "eldest" bit is easy to forget) had the same reaction to her new baby brother. She used to get upset when I couldn't help her do something, and she definitely displayed the same type of jealousy that we are seeing with our son. I have yet to hear "When does he go back to the hospital?" that we heard from DD, but he's been quite vociferous in telling me to "Put Baby Jane down!" and demanding his share of my lap. He doesn't quite understand that when she's eating, well, she's eating and there really aren't any options for putting her down at that particular point in time.

On the other hand, he is quite an attentive brother and will give her toys that make music or alert us when she fusses. Our eldest has been quite the little mama, too, and is quite keen to hold her baby sister and give her toys and blankets, etc. Neither one of them is shy about asking where she is when they can't see her, and it seems to be unacceptable to not show her various things, such as pictures they draw or favorite toys.

My in-laws are in residence now and they are mucking in outside, in the absolute mess that is my garden. They've already weeded one bed and started on the next, and have purchased two roses for me, plus a sedum. I think by the time they leave my gardens will be drenched in water, compost, and happy attention. Good thing, too, as I haven't had much of any of that to spare, except for the guilt-induced watering I have done to keep things minimally alive. My master gardener neighbor dropped off some columbine and ferns for me yesterday, so more work awaits. I will be asking my OB about doing some light gardening at my appointment Wednesday, but until then I am benched. Some things never change, though, and thus I probably need to go and fold the mountain of clothes on my bed before my newest child decides she is unhappy in her swing. But it's a nice cool day, all of my children are happy at this moment, and my husband is back to work and wading through a mass of emails. Life is good. Thank you God!

C-Section Recovery

There are a few things about birth and the whole messy aspects of it that are really things that one cannot fully appreciate until one experiences them. Therefore in the interest of avoiding the gross-out, ick factor, I am putting in a disclaimer that this might contain more information than you want to know about c-sections and how they are done, etc. Suffice it to say that I do not feel too much sympathy for you, dear reader, unless you too have been fortuitous enough to have this information imparted to you personally as your insides are open and being worked on by surgeons discussing their plans for the weekend. In any case, you have been adequately forewarned.

I confess I had forgotten some things about the whole c-section process and recovery from the last time I went down this particular primrose pathway. Because it was somewhat traumatic last time, despite being a planned c-section for my son, I think my brain had dumped some crucial information and put a decidedly dark haze on the rest. So while I felt somewhat calm ahead of this one, and knew what to expect, there were decidedly aspects of the surgery and aftermath that I had completely expunged from my memory banks. In the interest of educating anyone who might be faced with this in the future, and reminding myself should we get surprised with a #4, here are a few tidbits about this surgery.

• The anesthesia is really not so bad. Last time I had an epidural, and this time I got a spinal block. I looooooove the spinal block. Oh, sooooooo much better than the epidural. First, you get to walk into the OR yourself, which is somehow more dignified than being wheeled in with your lower half numb and being manhandled onto the operating table. Second, you get the same local anesthesia shots in your back (the worst part, really), but the needle used for a spinal block is SO much smaller than the epidural needle, and I could not feel anything, no pressure at all. My toes started to get warm and tingly and I was able to put them on the table myself. Lastly, it wore off much faster than the epidural. I was already starting to wiggle my toes on my left foot while I was waiting for my bed and transfer back to the recovery room. I do not like the sensation of wanting to move my legs and not being able to, so having the anesthesia wear off faster was a big plus in my book.
• The lower back pain during the surgery, that is not so good. I told my anesthesiologist about this and (you were warned!) he told me it was because they had my uterus outside my body and were tugging on it, and it would feel better once they put it back in. Yeah. May I just say that I did NOT need the visual to accompany the lower back pain? Bad enough that they have an organ outside my body, I did not need to know that my body was telling me "this is bad" despite the heavy anesthesia.
• Despite thirst and hunger immediately resuming post-surgery, I was reminded in the most vivid manner possible of the "nausea" that my DH and mom remembered from my last c-section but which I had blissfully eliminated from my memory banks. I was feeling good and motoring along past the ice chips and water, TYVM, and had dived into the popsicles and Jello I was being allowed to eat. A few bites of Jello did not seem to sit well, so I laid off the Jello and had a second popsicle a few hours later. Suffice it to say it did not take long for it to come back to say hello, along with everything else that I had consumed post-surgery. So I spent a long night with only ice chips and water for sustenance...which brings me to:
• Don't believe them when they say you will only be without food for 8 hours. Ha! More like 24 hours! It's a very good thing I had a big breakfast right before my 8 hour "nothing by mouth" period began, because I was not allowed to eat anything substantial until breakfast the following morning--and then I had to push for it. I had a big bowl of real oatmeal (whole oats, cooked slowly) with cream and brown sugar and fresh blueberries, strawberries, and apples, and it did carry me over quite nicely to surgery, as well as being kind to my system. I had blueberry pancakes afterward and they were quite nice too. Of course hunger is the best seasoning there is! Mercifully no repeat of any other nausea, but those first few hours post-surgery are a real kicker.
• The incisions are not the source of post-surgical pain, for the most part. No, this is the provenance of the massive bruises on your tissues inflicted by the retractors and tugging, etc. Aside from the typical stretching/pulling from the incision, I haven't had anything to complain about on that front. My pressure dressing came off quite readily in the hospital when I had my first post-surgery shower (oh, the bliss!) and my DH pointed out that I had several large "purple grape colored bruises" around it, and that was probably the source of pain for me. Now I have been informed that they have faded to a "luminous green", 9 days post-surgery (I can't really see them that well myself, just the top of two of them). Nothing like having a real rainbow tummy to show for a birth.
• Painkillers are a blessing and a curse. I was again prescribed Percocet for my pain, plus horse-size ibuprofen pills. The Percocet were much appreciated for the first three days, but after that I hated the decidedly loopy spin that they put on everything for me, and I resisted taking them as much as possible. (And there are people out there that LIKE that feeling and abuse these drugs?? This I do not understand...) Now I am about three days out from taking any Percocet, and have also resisted the ibuprofen, relying instead on one dose of Tylenol at bedtime.
• Sleep is the best healer of all. I have had some really long nights of sleep for the past two nights, and have felt much better in the morning than I did the previous week. Of course sleep in the hospital is always a cut-up business, between the nurses coming in to check me and then to check the baby. But even at home, I was not able to really doze off whenever, because I had my parents asking things, or doing things that required some form of input, or our children were all over me because I was HOME and they wanted my attention too (really Mom it's not just about that new little baby, there's ME too and I need you NOW Mommyyyyyyy...). However, my parents went to visit my brother and his family for a few days, and our friends were giving us our space and resisting visits, so I've had a chance to just be and do absolutely nothing other than sleep in until 9 am and go to bed (and sleep!) at 8 pm, and it's been WONDERFUL.
• Every time something else was removed from my body post-surgery or I was given the all-clear to do something, it felt like I was reclaiming a piece of myself. I was moving away from "SciencePhDMom, hospital patient" to just "SciencePhDMom". Getting up and walking around, getting the catheter removed, being allowed to drink and eat, having my first shower and getting rid of that dressing and smelling like ME instead of calcium gluconate pre-surgery wipes...all of these things helped me feel more like ME. And it was good to finally bid the IV goodbye. I will be so happy when that little circular scab finally falls off my wrist.

I must reiterate that if anyone has a choice, there is really no contest and a vaginal birth is the absolute best way for a baby to be born. However, I am very grateful that we have c-sections for medically needed interventions, and obstetricians and hospitals well-trained in how to do them well and as safely as possible for mom & baby. I do not understand opting for a c-section if there is no medical reason to do so, as my sister-in-law did for both of her sons. I really honestly do not understand it. I am not putting her down or anyone else down who has opted for this, but I just cannot wrap my head around such a thing. Having experienced both, the recovery from a vaginal birth is so much easier (and that even with an episiotomy). I could be driving now. I would not have these bruises and pains and long list of verboten actions, such as even lifting up my two year old son (who frankly still does not understand why this is so). And I have to go with the vaginal birth as the way God intended it to be, KWIM? Women's bodies are designed to birth their babies, period.

Anyhow, that is the subject for another post, exploring the vast antagonism and gulf that exists in the good ol' USA today between the natural birth movement (ever heard of "The Business of Being Born"?) and obstetrical care & culture. Having been torn between the two camps and placed in a decidely uncomfortable position between>>>ROCK<<<>>>>HARD PLACE<<<<, I have a few thoughts on that subject. That will have to wait until I am feeling more myself, however. And in case you haven't seen her, here is a link to a few shots of my newest family member:

http://www.dropshots.com/stbridgit#date/2009-07-24/05:48:22

My sweet baby Jane. She is worth it all. :)

The Nesting Bug Has Struck!

My husband knew it was pretty serious when I was cleaning our bedroom at 10 o'clock at night. Yes, I had started earlier in the day, but I just could not leave it to finish until the next day. Could not do it, people!! I just HAD to have a clean bedroom to sleep in. So he pitched in, cleaning his side of the bed (his table & corner shelf etagere thingy) while I cleaned mine. I gave away BOOKS. Seriously. A big bag of books, shipped off to Goodwill. The books tumbling off my nightstand table were put away on an actual bookshelf. I KNOW!!! I even dusted and rearranged my knick-knacks to my satisfaction. I actually want to bring in MORE knick-knacks (from the living room, not new ones) because it looks so nice all clean and tidy. It is a sickness.

The next day I vacuumed the whole house. The whole house! Even my laundry room, and the bathrooms. And I put away more linens in the linen closet. The box of table linens that has been in our bedroom for a year? It's all put away! I have rediscovered tablecloths that I forgot I had, and discovered some hand-me-down tablecloths from my great aunt. I actually remember her buying some of them in Hong Kong in 1986.

It's quite nice to have some decluttering done and a house that would not embarrass me if my parents were to arrive tomorrow (not happening until next week). Even the kids are staying out of my way--it's like there is a strange vibe around Mommy and they dare not interfere with my cleaning rituals. Today I mopped the dining room and living room. I need to keep going, but the water was dirty and frankly I do need to be mindful of how much energy I actually have. Of course I have to be amused by the dog, who is alternately bemused and terrified of our vacuum cleaner and will run up to cautiously sniff when it is off and run away with her tail between her legs when I turn it on. Hehe. It's funny.

Don't get me wrong, my house is definitely not Martha Stewart organized or clean. There is still an ample coating of dust on the piano and assorted knick-knacks (which is why I haven't brought any into my room, natch). And I'm sure my baseboards and walls and cupboards in the kitchen & bathrooms could use a good clean with Mr. Magic Eraser. Nonetheless, it is acceptable and would merit the label decently clean from a stranger passing by. And well, that is a significant improvement! I have to continue this decluttering urge as long as it lasts. DH is getting into the act, too--a dump run is planned to get rid of the remodel debris that lingers in the yard and back deck. Yippee! I can't wait to see all of that gone, too.

The hormones & I, we are a'cleaning. It's a good thing.

Schmorganization

All my best intentions for clearing out my house prior to baby are evaporating in a sea of potty training and recalcitrant attitudes from my children. My four year old is continuing her nasty streak of bad attitude plus disrespectful talk, which is really wearing me down. My husband is now stepping in when she backtalks to me repeatedly, because it's like she just turns off her ears. I have put toys in time-out and she's lost shopping privileges in her store, plus she has been THIS close to losing a swimming lesson. And she's started egging on her brother in naughty behavior. "But I didn't do it..." She still gets in trouble for egging him on, but this represents a new level of sneakiness in being naughty.

Our son is well versed on using the potty to pee, but has now regressed significantly with his other business, to the point that I am having to clean out his underpants several times a day. It's a rarity for him to actually POOP on the potty and the toilet. I hope part of it is some dehydration that's contributing to a bit of constipation, so we are pushing water and reinforcing "use the potty for pooping". Still, it's more than a bit grinding to have him come in at 7:00 in the morning to tell me that he has literally JUST pooped in his underpants, not two minutes after I dressed him. THIS is the definition of frustating, folks. He's only two and a half, he's only two and a half. This is like my new mantra of sorts. That and my husband's favorite, "This, too, shall pass."

The problem is that I am already pretty cranky from being pregnant, and dealing with both of these kiddos on a daily basis is just using up 90% of the energy reserves. I am almost to the point that I don't actually care about my vegetable garden. Meh. Grow, don't grow, whatever. My corn looks incredibly pathetic, I am not hopeful about results there. My tomatoes are being stunted by our cold nights, and have I even thought about re-rigging my greenhouse? Meh. And still no carrots planted. I did re-sow the french beans that didn't come up, because my FIL specifically requested them for their visit. But everything else? Whatever. Weeds everywhere. Our lawns, which were well-watered last summer, are brown and infested with broad leaf weeds. My apple & pear trees, host to some good looking immature fruit, are probably all going to be eaten up by apple coddling moth larva because I haven't painted them with Tanglefoot or put footie nylon socks on them. I did get DH to spray my cherry trees, which were infested by pear slugs (aka sawflies). Purely a pragmatic move on my part to save my $70 investment in them, as those things can kill young trees. Still, it's a measure of my supreme indifference to the situation that I still say, "Meh."

My house is just...*sigh* I don't know how to describe it. It's hard enough to keep the living areas and the kids' bedrooms tidied. My floors haven't seen a mop in a month. Decluttering and organizing is sooooooo not happening. Bathroom? Tub is DONE! Huzzah! In working order, and I had the first bubble bath to confirm it. This is the one bright spot in the project. Installed the shower curtain rod? Em... Removing excess mortar from edges of tub surround and retexturing? Erp, no. Painting? Not so much. Trims & crown moldings? Uh, no. Linens all restored to their rightful places, with newly painted door in place? No.

Our bedroom is still a mess. I've been slowly digging out from that, as the linens get put back. However, still have baby clothes in boxes that need to be put back in the cottage until baby is ready for them. Where we had placed the pack & play previously, we now have a bookshelf. So books & bookshelf need to be moved, to make room once again for the cot. There isn't any alternative--this is the only place that it will fit in the room. Of course the baby will probably end up in bed with us, but we still need the cot for crib training. This means I have to find a place for all those books...which in turn means I need to go through ALL the books in the house, winnowing out the ones we don't need to keep, and then making a trek with them to the library to donate them. Yeah. LOL! Like THAT will happen!

I know my MIL will help me with all of these projects. My FIL is keen to get out and help clean up the garden (I didn't even mention the front flower beds...disasters!). However, we can't just put them to work 8 hours a day, every day that they are here. They are coming to visit us, not help us catch up on our crappy household management. And I'm going to have a newborn--really, how likely is it that I'm going to be all full of energy and ready to tackle decluttering and reorganizing, even with another pair of hands to do a lot of the heavy lifting? I'm quite pessimistic about the whole thing, actually, and it's depressing me.

This is just not a happy place for me right now. I'm surrounded by reminders of how much needs to be done, and every time I try to do something the kids get into something else and make a huge mess to be cleaned up. It does not help that I have a stinker baby in utero that is currently in a footling breech position, meaning a repeat c-section is on the cards instead of the VBAC I am hoping for. Baby could still turn, but right now it is just the crappy cherry on a sundae of aggravations. Wah, wah, wah! Thank you for joining my pity party.

Cranky, Disorganized, & Running Out of Time

I am doing my best now that the quarter has ended to get the house & yard organized prior to baby arrival. However, I am being stymied at every turn by our two eldest children, who insist on making as big a mess as possible whenever my or DH's backs are turned. My son has an ongoing fascination with water, and if he's not spilling all the water out of the dog's bowl, he is spreading soap over my coffee table, over the bathroom counter, and spilling water everywhere. The only time I feel somewhat okay letting the boy have water in his possession is when we are outside, and even then it is a risky proposition. Heaven forfend he gets a hose in his hands, because he will spray anyone and everything as fast as he can.

My daughter is continuing to exhibit her unacceptable attitude on occasion. She has shown some improvement since daycare has ended, but she's still driving us crazy at least once a day. It's like her brain is simply incapable of processing the fact that SHE has a much happier day when she loses the attitude and demonstrates her ability to DO what she is told to do. My husband has forbidden the phrase, "I'll listen! I'll listen!" as this is what she says repeatedly when she gets into trouble. Again, the whole concept of it's not just listening, it's DOING is apparently beyond her intellect at the age of 4.

My house is still looking like a bomb went off in it. I have empty boxes scattered hither & yon, waiting to be removed for recycling. I still don't have all the linens back in my linen closet, so I am stepping over space bags still in the laundry room and our bedroom. I have pre-pregnancy clothes under my bed with no home to go to. I think a neighbor hit the nail on the head--I just do not have enough storage in this house, and it's driving me nuts!

DH is doing his best to finish the bathroom remodel. All but 2 rows of tile are laid for the tub surround, and then we have to grout it and seal the grout on the floor and in the tub surround. We still have to finish painting the tub room, and then install all the trim and the linen closet door. I hope we aren't going to be doing this when our parents get here, I really don't.

Nonetheless, I don't think this baby is going to wait. The head is very low, and my OB thinks there is no way we are making it to the due date. This is good news for me, because I really, really want to avoid a repeat c-section. I sincerely hope this kiddo is ready to make her appearance (assuming the u/s tech was right and it is a she), because I am just about done with being pregnant. Only a few short weeks left, technically, but she is more than welcome to come early. At least then I'll have a good excuse for my messy house. Stay tuned!

Not Nesting

To borrow a theme from a friend's blog, I am going to list all the things that I'm not doing today... *wink, wink, nudge nudge*

• I am not nesting. I have not determined a new configuration of the living room furniture which necessitates my husband moving every single piece of furniture to a new location (including the outrageously heavy piano). Nope, not me!
• I did not buy a piece of chocolate candy at Fred Meyer which I promptly ate while drinking a (gasp!) caffeinated soda when I got home.
• I did not lose my flash drive with all my lecture notes & grades on it (although I have back-ups in two different locations).
• I am not making my friend Hanna's killer salsa because I saw all the ingredients laid out in the same place in the grocery store, as if it was a sign from God that homemade salsa should be made.
• I am not the proud mama of a big boy who wore big boy underwear all afternoon yesterday and had not a SINGLE accident, even when we went out to dinner.
• I am not that wife who sends her husband to pick up the kids from daycare because she wants some more time to herself before they come barreling back in.

Yep, that's not me!

Summer Savings & Spendthrifts

It is almost the end of my quarter and I am relieved to be facing a lovely 3 month gap in teaching duties. It does bring an end to my salary, but since so much of this is eaten up by daycare costs we really aren't going to feel the pinch too much. However, it is difficult as we have many expenses pending and not very many options for paying for them. We have to put up the fence. We need to put up the new (to us) playset for the kids, which will require some new lumber purchases & new bolts. And did I mention that we are having a baby in July, which will result in a 10% copay for us? Because THAT won't be expensive, no sirree! Last time the total cost was $18,000, so you do the math. Hopefully we will avoid a repeat c-section, but this is something that we cannot control.

Therefore, I am intent on maximizing the fun for the kids & myself without maximizing the dollars flowing out for summer entertainment. Right now the kids are amusing themselves with cheapy character shaped sidewalk chalk that bears a suspicious resemblance to Santa. I can't remember when or where I bought it (Joann's?) but I do like the price, which was 25 cents for a 6 pack of chalk. They are also digging (literally) with some cheap kid-sized gardening tools from Wal Mart and Target. Add a few $1 boats and plastic excavators from last summer, and last summer's kiddie pools, and we have a pleasing entertainment center for our kiddos. Granted, we are not like our neighbors next door. They have the $3k playset (gift from grandma), the $400 huge blow-up waterslide with play pool, a zipline, basketball hoop, you name it. I know they are careful with their money, and I say huzzah to them for being able to afford it! They are nice enough to have an open door policy for our kids, too, although we don't want to abuse their hospitality. They joked about us needing to buy this year's whiz-bang blow up waterslide at Costco (again, $400), but that's just not in the budget, frankly.

I am thinking about getting a zoo membership for the family for the year. We can get our visiting family members in for free, plus have a 'go to' destination with the kids that has paid for itself with 2 visits (likely with 2 sets of grandparents visiting). Any extra visits we make over the coming year will be bonuses.

We are also trying to eat up the freezer stash this month. I have a few bags of squash to use up in muffins & breads, and enough frozen blackberries to make another batch of blackberry jelly. We have to clear out space for the coming largesse from the garden, which is sprouting up at a decent pace. I do have to replant some beans & corn, it looks like--I'm not sure, but I think I didn't keep the soil moist enough for good germination rates. And it all needs a thorough weeding, which I'm sad to say will have to just wait until the quarter is over next week and I have more time to get up there in fits & starts as the kids and dog will allow (not to mention my own energy levels). It will help save us on grocery bills, which would be a nice added benefit.

What we are not doing is going out and buying a whole bunch of new summer clothes, shoes, etc. Really we don't need them. The kids need some summer PJs and a few more summer clothes, so I hit a local consignment store this morning. Luckily for me it was a 1/2 price day sale, so I picked up some shorts & tops for both of them, plus 1 pair each of summer PJs. I will have to find some more PJs on sale at Kohls and/or the other consignment store. I will have to buy some new maternity items, but I'm holding off on that for the moment, because I am going to have to buy them online and I hate buying things blind.

With any luck, this summer will not be too expensive for our pocketbook & property. Wish us luck.

Ugly But Functional

Lately I am pondering why we (meaning my DH & I) feel the need to embellish the functional to make it more aesthetically appealing. In so doing, we often complicate our lives greatly, saddle ourselves with expensive and time-consuming projects, and then get bogged down while doing them and get very frustrated by the stagnation.

Looking around our house & garden, I see numerous examples of this. We had a functional but weedy yard. We decided to embellish it by creating a huge flower bed, to make it prettier and get rid of the almost 100% weeds that were established there. Fine. But that huge flower bed now needs to be filled. We've spent nearly 2 years trying to fill it, and in the meantime it is more often than not filled with different kinds of weeds that just grow taller than the ones they replaced, and are more time consuming to get rid of (at least with a weedy lawn you can mow it, whereas a weedy flower bed has to be, well, weeded). Trying to solve a problem and make it beautiful gave us a lot more work.

Similarly, we decided to redo our ugly but functional kitchen. We spent numerous hours sanding, priming, & painting the cabinets & countertops, then sealing the countertops. It does look a lot prettier, to be sure--but now we have cream colored cabinets that show all the spills and dirt that get spilled on them on a regular basis. So where previously we had dark but ugly mid-tone oak veneer, now we have warm but dirty cream cabinets that require a pretty vigilant hand with the Magic Eraser (which, frankly, I don't have, so they're just dirty). More beautiful, but more work.

Now we have to decide what we're going to do about the fencing for the dog. We talked about it and DH would like to do a pretty lattice fence for the front part of the yard, with flower beds and pretty stuff growing up the trellises to make it look really pretty. I agreed with the lattice part, I would like that. But the more I think about it, the more I think we are better off to go for ugly functionality over the beautiful. Frankly, we don't have time to keep up with the "prettified" bits we already have around the house & garden. We're adding a new baby to the mix mid-summer, and we're already training a puppy. We have a list a mile long of projects that also need to be done (not want, need). Wood shed for firewood (keeps heating bills down in the wintertime, wood has to be kept dry). Cut up firewood for wintertime early in the summer so it can cure a bit before this winter (see above). Repair pump shed (houses our well pump & needs to be well insulated & actually INTACT to prevent 3rd year straight of freezing pipes & defrosting with hair dryer...one of these times we're going to have a broken water pipe and this is really a NEED). Tear down kids' old swingset (metal, exposed concrete safety hazard, already missed contact with small heads by a mere inch) and replace with freebie wooden playset (it's on my driveway in pieces, it's been there a year, it's time to put it up, m'kay?).

Add to this the fact that we are a little constrained in the old budget and it makes for a nervous nellie. We need to buy more gravel for the driveways ($200-$300). We need to buy materials for the sheds (repair/construction) and the rotten bits of the freebie playset ($200?). Our electric furnace is an antique and we really need a replacement fund for that ($3500, and wouldn't it be nice to replace it this calendar year with that nice tax break plus the energy company's rebate?). Both of our cars need the transmission fluid to be changed, and our minivan needs at least a recharge on the a/c coolant, and hopefully not anything more expensive like a broken compressor that needs to be fixed ($300-$400, without the compressor). And I still don't know if I'm going to be employed this fall, which means our tight summer budget could get really ugly this fall if I'm not working.

Yeah, I'm really not thinking that pretty fences are my cup of tea right now. I'm thinking functional, cheap, and quick to install is what would float my boat. I would love to have a pretty fence with lattice and pretty things growing on it. I think it would look GREAT. However, I also know that we have a lot of demands on our time and our money, and I also know how low our batting average is for completing projects in a timely manner. Really, I am fast becoming a fan of ugly but functional. Give me functional, folks!!! LOVIN' THAT FUNCTIONALITY! I CAN deprogram myself from our society's fascination with all things bright & beautiful (and expensive, and time consuming). Frankly I just don't have the energy for it any more.

The Tablecloth

There really is something to sitting down together around the dining table for dinner every night. It's civilized, it teaches the kids table manners, and it helps us stick to our meal plan (it's not quite the same thing to sit down at the dinner table to some take-out pizza, know what I'm saying?).

Now that second little point is a big one, really. No one wants their kids to be slobs at the table, and no one wants their kids to be those kids at a restaurant, running around with straws stuck up their noses or throwing food on the floor. However, getting from the '2 year old and big enough to sit in a real chair (with a booster) and eat like everyone' to 'well mannered, polite 6 year old that everyone compliments when dining in public' is a big transition. Right now our 4 year old daughter is pretty good at the table. She backslides when her brother is being naughty and she eggs him on, and she forgets that the principal purpose of sitting down to eat dinner is to eat dinner, not entertain us with stories and made-up songs and theatrical hand flares that endanger the nearest beverage glasses. But she doesn't throw food on the floor, she doesn't spit out food if she decides halfway through chewing it that she doesn't like it, and she doesn't fling her hands around, knocking over anything in their path.

Our son...well, he does do all of those things. He's two. And, I swear, EVERY NIGHT the boy spills his drink. EVERY NIGHT. It does not matter where I put his cup, or how carefully I watch him so that I can grab it and move it before a vigorous hand wave topples it over. Somehow, each evening, the boy manages to spill his beverage on the table.

Now, I have discovered that, in addition to my pet peeve about always having clean fingernails (let me just say that I will never go camping without running water again), I don't like having a dirty tablecloth. The tablecloth is one of those civilizing elements of dinner together. It's like a stately butler, bidding all to behave at table. Somehow having a permanently stained and perpetually damp-within-minutes tablecloth really put a damper on my enjoyment of the whole dinner ritual. I had two "everyday" tablecloths that were purchased on the cheap and had lasted us for about seven years. However, they have not been able to withstand the onslaught wrought by our children. The pale green tablecloth now has a distorted yellow spot covering about ten percent of the middle, and the white & burgundy one is dotted with dark stains and some large blots.

It was time to upgrade the table linens, friends. I bought two new "everyday" tablecloths at Kohls, one of which is a microfiber tablecloth. Aha! Something my children should not (in theory) be able to stain! Yippee!

Well, my son is putting this tablecloth through its paces. Both of our kids have placemats, in an attempt to rein in the stainmaking potential at their places. Despite his beloved "Cars" being plastered all over his placemat, my son still has an uncanny knack for pushing it back just enough so that he can spill with abandon on the tablecloth itself. Tonight he dumped a full glass of milk (and please note that two year olds ALSO think they are too OLD for sippy cups, Mommy!) on it, and that beaded right up on the tablecloth like it was nothing. We were impressed. However, I think the everlasting piece of genius has to go to DH, who in a moment of inspiration swapped our son's placemat for a Shamwow. Yes, he is a genius (particularly because my dad sent them to us from their Costco pack and I hadn't a clue what we could use them for). I think they should make themed placemats out of that stuff. Now our son's place at the table has a generous lip that runs off the table, and plenty of coverage to either side. He could spill milk and other food repeatedly and still it will not touch the tablecloth.

A double armor system, that is what it takes. That, and lots of wine and humor. And Wine Away stain remover. It's not just for wine, my friends. It works on a lot of other kid mangling stains. You too could make an "everyday" tablecloth last for seven plus years, even WITH table training kids. I dare you.

Of Divas and Dogs

We have a new discipline problem confronting us with DD. I don't know how many of my few readers have a strong-willed child, but our daughter is STRONG-WILLED. Lately she has had bad temper tantrums where she completely loses control of herself, banging at the walls of her room and repeating the same promise incessantly to do better, to listen, to do X like we asked her to, etc. No matter how many times we tell her that she is choosing the hard way, she continues to choose it. She seems to think that she is free to ignore what we tell her if she doesn't want to do it, and no amount of post-punishment explaining of our reasons for telling her to do something makes any difference in her decision to willfully defy us. This is not unexpected--she is 4, she is not able to reason. However, DH & I think that she ought to figure out that we are consistent in the expectation that she do what she's told, and she is consistently punished for not doing so, and she's a smart kid...surely she ought to figure out that she could have a much easier existence if she just did what she was told when she is told to do it.

Unfortunately I think that we are still applying too much logic to the situation. She is told to do something that she doesn't want to do, often in direct contradiction to what she wants to do. Because she does not understand why we don't want her to do it, I presume she decides our commands are less important than her wants, and she disobeys. Perhaps it's not even that clear-cut--she sees something she wants to do, she does it, and to hell with the consequences.

DH and I have noticed a clear correlation between incredibly poor behavior choices and daycare. When she is in daycare, she comes home with this incredibly bad attitude and nasty disobedience. When she is not in daycare, as she wasn't during spring break and for most of this week due to a cold, she has a day of being corrected and then she gets back into our expectations and behaves herself. I think part of it may be the attitude of her new daycare teacher. She told me that "all the little girls in her class come out little divas". Um, I don't want a diva, I want my daughter. I sincerely hope that it's not directly the teacher, but more the other kids and the fact that the teacher can't possibly be monitoring every behavior all the time.

Our dog is also still learning, just as we are still learning about her. I had a good time today taking her to obedience class. She has started nipping and jumping at me in the yard when she wants to play, as well as tugging on my pant leg with her teeth or trying to nip at my ankles. The trainer suggested standing still, because it clearly communicates, "you're boring me" to the dog and they will give up. We were doing a high pitched "yelp" the way another dog would, to get her to stop the ankle nipping, but that wasn't as effective. Now we have to teach the kids how to do the same thing. Fortunately she is displaying typical puppy behaviors, where she is not really biting but she is mouthing. This is scary to our kids, especially our son. He is closest to her size and it's really important that the dog learns not to do this. As with everything else puppy-related, it is a question of consistency and time. She will outgrow that behavior eventually and we just have to be patient.

Our son is enjoying wearing big boy underwear now when he's at home. This has resulted in many puddles and otherwise droopy drawers, such that sometimes my husband and I aren't clear whose piddle or poop we are cleaning up! However, he, too, is learning and getting better. He managed to keep a pair clean all morning today, pulling them down twice to use the potty and actually putting them back on. Hopefully this means he finally comprehends that we don't change our underwear twenty times a day to see a new character whenever we peek at our underwear. Likewise he has discovered that that hole in the front of his underwear is pretty cool--much cooler than wearing the underwear backwards so he can see the big print design.

Progress in some areas and not in others--the story of my life!!

The Barbie & Information Age

We are entering a new phase of childhood with DD--the Barbie age. We finally broke down and bought a Barbie DVD movie for her a few months ago, and it was just a matter of time before an actual Barbie doll made its appearance in our house. We haven't had an actual Barbie in play yet, but there is a new 'Thumbelina' doll, complete with closing magical flower, in residence in her room. And there is a cheapy $5 Barbie ballerina doll stocked in the store, to be purchased by good behavior points. I suspect it will be purchased this week or the following week, depending on how many points I assign as its purchase price. Then we will really be off on the roller coaster: Barbie clothes, gear, friends, etc.

Back when I was a young and somewhat foolish college smart aleck, I always thought I would never allow my daughter to play with Barbie dolls! Why she was a symbol of female oppression! Her figure was completely disproportionate to any real woman's body, and she had pre-formed feet made for high heels! Of course, some of those things have changed nowadays. They changed her proportions to be more realistic. Every Barbie is no longer pre-programmed with high heel feet, nor does every Barbie have automatic make-up on her face. Barbie is shown as a "baby doctor", a soccer coach, and all other sorts of self-esteem affirming professions for little girls (and yes, even a stay at home mom!). Still, I had a malingering resentment of Barbie as the dominant corporate creation, somehow forcing out the nameless "little guy" doll makers, not to mention the fact that her skirts are still hiked up to the '60s microskirt levels.

Well, frankly, I have looked at some of the alternatives to Barbie, and (to say the least) I found them seriously wanting. There are the High School Musical dolls, Hannah Montana dolls, and the Bratz dolls (no I'm not kidding). Hannah Montana and High School Musical might be fine entertainment platforms for tweeners (I know nothing of Hannah Montana but have heard good things from other parents about HSM), but it's hardly the sort of fare I want to show to my four year old. And the Bratz dolls--well, all the things that Barbie used to be maligned for, Bratz dolls are times ten. No thanks. And there are the generic competitors out there--the "Hearts Club" or whatever it is at Target, and other lesser known brands at more expensive prices from out-of-the-way 'intelligent toy' stores and online retailers. I'm all for shopping according to principles, but when your 4 year old has a gift card to Wal Mart from grandma, let's just say that she's going to want to buy her doll and have it NOW; which is how we came to have Thumbelina (and the Thumbelina dress up jewelry and shoes). Grandma's $50 card went a long way in the eyes of our DD. I snuck in the matching tiara for her Easter basket, because we are ALL about being a princess these days! And so it begins...I am already trying to figure out the best way to store Barbie paraphenalia such that she may actually use the storage system.

Our DS is at the "Why?" stage of development. He is 2 and trying to figure everything out, so no matter what answer you give to a question, it is immediately followed by "Why?" You can go on ad nauseum unless you remember the fact that he's TWO, and shut down the endless questions with, "That's the way it is, bud." And followed by, "It just is." For some reason, hearing this repeated somehow permeates his brain with the idea that he's not going to get any more information on that topic, and the subject is closed.

This information accumulation is particularly noteworthy in that it now trumps the sighting of an exciting vehicle, such as a dump truck, or school bus, or police car! He will notice them, but he's more interested in getting his questions answered. He is also very particular about his cars and trains, arranging them in specific patterns that make perfect sense to him. He gets very irritated if we move them before he's done playing with them, and will scold us: "No Mommy! No move dat!" Clearly there are imaginative stories being played out with the cars and trains. I am sure we will hear all about them over the course of the next year or so as he continues to accumulate ideas.

Kids are just so fun.

The Cocoon

My DH is out of the house this evening, attending a community meeting hosted by our local sheriff's department. Normally we would not be interested in meetings like these, but as it happens, our general area is going to be host to a registered sex offender, starting tomorrow.

Frankly, we've had a lot of responses to this since the notification first went out a few weeks ago. The immediate response is, of course, fear. You receive a notice in the mail (or, in our case, by email from a neighbor) and it has a number attached to this person, this man who is a known threat to society and who for reasons unfathomable to you is being released from the prison where he has been safely kept for the past thirteen years. The second response is, what can I do about it? We investigated the numbering system--what does that number mean? What are the details of the (multiple) cases that were successfully prosecuted against this man? Why is he rated likely to reoffend?

This has thrown a lot of comfortable assumptions into clear relief. Because we live in a rural area, it is very easy to think it is safer than other areas because it's relatively isolated, it's quiet. Our neighbors are nice people, so surely the people on the streets around us must be nice too. This is a very comfortable way of thinking, but it's not very accurate--and really we don't think that way all the time. Both DH & I have checked the map for known addresses of sex offenders (and we do so on occasion to update our sense of where they are) and up to this point they have all been more than 3 miles away, in distinct neighborhoods that are not our neighborhood. Now, however, we will have a convicted rapist living a mile away. A convicted rapist, I might add, who would have been a lifer in jail under the "3 strikes & you're out" law, but for the mistake of an officer testifying at his last trial, who let slip that he had a prior conviction. That was the grounds by which the appeal process reduced his sentence and made him eligible for parole.

It's quite easy to think that because we are reasonably rural, we couldn't be a target for crime. We have been in the habit of leaving our tool shed unlocked. We have a second shed that's not locked. It doesn't matter that it's not used, it's a place that someone could use to hide, or scope out our house & habits. That has changed. We have padlocks now, and we use them. We also did not have any sort of 'early warning system', aka a dog. That is changing as of tomorrow at 10 am. We will be the proud owners of a labrador retriever puppy, redeemed from our local humane society. We will have the irritating agony fun of house training the dog, and training her to leave our parrot alone. However, we will have a (not for long) small ball of furry energy to play with our kids, and to bark enthusiastically when someone shows up at our house or in our yard. As she gets bigger, hopefully she will also serve as a deterrent. We have alarms on our windows and doors, and we use them. We may get a gun (with the proper safety training and precautions since we have kids).

It helps to know that all of his victims have been adult women, his own age, whom he met that day in a bar or restaurant, or was already acquainted with. He has no history of burglary or enticing his victims in any way. He will be living with a family member and the department of corrections officer stated that his guardians are very interested in ensuring that he toes the line of all his parole conditions. He is not permitted in any bar or restaurant that serves alcohol, nor on any private roads. He has boundary conditions on how far he may travel from his home, and a curfew at night. He has obtained a job working with his family members through their business (which we will not be patronizing). The corrections officer at the community meeting emphasized that he has served his sentence and is legally a free man, subject to his parole conditions for 24 months.

At the end of the day, I think the corrections officer really hit the nail on the head for us. He said, "If learning that a registered sex offender is moving into your neighborhood makes you change the way you are living in your house, then you probably weren't living safe enough to begin with." Yup. And we are rectifying that right now. It isn't good enough to rely on comfortable thoughts of quiet and rural addresses. Nor is it enough, frankly, to rely on the goodness of one's neighbors. I hope that by cultivating safer habits and more awareness, we can still enjoy the substantial benefits of our neighborhood without fearing for our family when we're outside. Honestly we probably have more to worry about with a dog that a neighbor is dogsitting, who has gotten loose and charged at children, and bitten a neighbor. That is more real and present danger. But I am exceedingly grateful that God has ripped open our little cocoon in a very gentle way.

More to Goodwill

Well I am actually making some progress on decluttering our house. It is a teeny bit of progress, but better than nothing. I dropped off two boxes of toys and 3 bags of clothes today, and felt a bit better getting them out of my hallway and bedroom.

I am doing spring cleaning this week, but not at the lightening quick pace I had envisioned for myself. I hadn't realized how tired I was after teaching full-time this past quarter, being pregnant, giving our children and my husband love and attention, and still trying to keep all the balls juggling around the household. I dropped a ball and got caught with a late payment due to the old due date shuffle by our credit card company, and had to call today to sweetly ask for my old interest rate (8.25%) as opposed to their punitive 19.99% rate which they slapped on me (which they gave to me without any hassle...it pays to have good credit and be a longtime customer). At least I caught it right away, but I'm irritated that I let it happen. I can't wait to pay that sucker off! Not for a while yet, though. But we did pay off another credit card, so I allowed myself a mini-happy dance for that. Our debt snowball calculator tells me that we will be out of debt in...five years. Da-da-da-dum. Sucky, but it is EVERYTHING except our mortgage--the HELOC, my student loan, everything. I guess that is not too bad.

We are supposed to have some folks over for a visit on Saturday afternoon, but now it's looking like we might head over to the city to meet them somewhere instead. I am a bit relieved, frankly, because I am not sure I am going to have the house "company ready" by my standards before Saturday. I am just digging out here and re-establishing some semblance of house cleanliness and tidying, and the whole decluttering thing is a bit messy in its own way. You know the routine--you have to make a mess by sorting stuff before you can reorganize and get rid of the stuff you don't need.

Today I did get our son's room cleaned and reorganized. I took out all the baby toys which he has outgrown, things which are more for toddlers than little boys. And I put all of his favorite toys into his toy cubbies, where they are in plain view but everything has a place. I started doing the same in our daughter's room, but I ran out of time to get it finished. I have to get her buy-in about some of the organizing, because if she's not on board, then it's a waste of my time. Hopefully she will connect the dots about finding her toys more easily, because she is starting to realize that knowing where something actually is makes it a lot easier to play with it.

I am still catching my own bad habits and trying to correct them before they are permanently imparted to the kids. I tend to leave coats and shoes lying around, and so I can't get irritated when they do the same thing. And I am making a habit of just doing something if I see it. Case in point: our kids' ball pit. Half the time the balls are strewn around our den. Whenever I walk through there now, I toss a few balls into the ball pit. Eventually they are all back in there and the room is that tiny bit neater. It's really not that much energy and I feel good about doing just a little every time I see it. I am just trying to transfer that philosophy to the rest of the house!! Hopefully we will get ourselves back onto a tight meal plan and budget and get our house (and ourselves!) ready for this new little one in the summertime. One step at a time...

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Or, La Fheile Padraig, as they say "as na gaeilge" in Ireland. My quarter is finally winding down, and although I have 4 more assignments to grade and a final to write before tomorrow evening, I am taking some time for some PEACE and FOOSTERING, because I need it, darn it. There has been waaaaaaaaay too much going on in this household for any sense of sanity of late, and I really need to take a few deep breaths and R&R before I plunge in to catching up on all the housework and spring cleaning that is desperately needed. The multi-tasking has gotten to an insane level lately, and my brain is crying out for some quiet and brain-dead activities.

Foostering, by the way, is my father-in-law's quaint term for sort of loitering around aimlessly, doing little things here and there that feel tremendously satisfying and like a big accomplishment personally, but are really meaningless little nothings that no one else sees or understands. My FIL is a master at foostering, and finds it particularly efficacious when he does so while others are waiting for him to do something else. My DH is working from home today and I know he is waiting to see me spring into cleaning action like I said I was going to do this week, or start writing that final that I have to give tomorrow and Thursday.

However, I feel like in honor of my FIL (or because it's as good an excuse as any), today is a foostering day for me. It feels quite Irish for St. Patrick's Day, although I have visions of (finally) making the Irish cream cheesecake that I bought ingredients for several days ago to enjoy with some nice (i.e. not run-of-the-mill) dinner concocted from various frozen cuts of beef or whole chickens or some such.

I just have been juggling too many balls lately. It is so bad on the housework side of the equation that I have had to do special loads of laundry at odd hours of the evening and morning just to have maternity underwear, people! And I can't get by with the regular underwear any more--this little one has grown too big for that particular trick. I have narrowly resisted the urge to buy more maternity underwear, several times, because I don't particularly like the style readily available in my ONE local maternity shop, and I am hesistant to buy such items, sight unseen, from online retailers at $30 per pair. Even with "Satisfaction Guaranteed", it just seems wrong to return undewear, KWIM?

I also fell face down on my baking for Paddy's Day. Is there any soda bread in the house? No! Did I get my barmbrack baked after an hour's rise? No. Of course, I blame the power outage for that one, how the heck can I bake the brack if the power is off and we have an electric oven? So it had a long, slow 24 hour rise, which ate up all the sugar in the dough and left us with a "sharp" loaf of barmbrack (as my husband delicately put it). Oh, yes, it's fine when toasted and slathered with jam, but for someone who is not used to a 'tangy' loaf of barmbrack, it represents a serious failure with expensive ingredients (have you priced golden raisins and currants lately? Yikes...I had about $3.50 alone of dried fruit in that bread!).

My grading has been very much at the last minute and harried, and an endless parade of students emailing begging sickness, theft, beggardom, hospitalized children (ok, ok, I am lenient with that one), etc as an excuse to turn in their pieces of missing assignments at the last stampede of the quarter or make up quizzes has not put me in a good mood. It means I have to wade through and find old homework answer keys and try to remember how many points I took off for various mistakes, etc. Students pestering me for grades on those piecemeal assignments do not make me happy either. Um, I have over 400 pieces of paper waiting for grading from this week's assignments ALONE, how the heck do you think I am going to make a priority of YOUR SPECIFIC LATE assignment over that?? Grrrrrr. *eye twitch*

I am testy. And my house's relative lack of cleanliness is exacerbated by the knowledge that we babysat 2 little girls on Sunday, one of whom is getting over a case of MRSA. Yes, that is the methicillin resistant bacteria that causes open wounds on skin, and can be fatal. Yep-per. Why did we do this? Well, first off, the little girl in question is only 10 months' old. Secondly, they are foster children, who were placed with some dear friends of ours two months ago. Thirdly, our friends are childless and have never been parents before, and it was their wedding anniversary. Fourth, they haven't been out without the kids since getting them, and were not told of the baby's MRSA until she had a wound on her leg and the pediatrician diagnosed it, and then the CPS people said, "Oh, didn't we tell you about that? It's been passed around in their house." Uh, so not cool.

Anywho, I know rationally that this little baby is not contagious (her lesion has healed up and it's not 'active', and was covered by her clothing), and basic hygiene like wiping down surfaces and such is all that is required to alleviate any concerns we may have. And I held the child and fed her and cuddled her, etc, without fear of MRSA bacteria crawling over my skin. But it still creeps me out a teeny, tiny, bit, and so I have resolved to do a thorough spring cleaning, and until I get that done I will not feel like we have been 100% proactive to prevent any wild outbreak of MRSA in our house. (Rationally I know the child was only in our house for 6 hours and really she played with baby toys and crawled on the floor, so it's not like she was coughing this dangerous bacteria all over. I KNOW this. But I still want to clean like a madwoman.)

*sigh* It's what friends do. They needed a break. But now, I worry. You understand.

Well, I suppose there is nothing for it but to quit foostering and get on with it. Not that I WANT to, but I know I NEED to, and that pesky responsibility thing just won't leave me alone! Maybe after my finals are given I will give myself permission to get a hair cut & a pedicure, something like that. We'll see.

Students I Respect

My students are usually a pretty mixed bag, in terms of demographics. A lot of them are returning to school after an extended absence, and since this quarter I am teaching a pre-requisite course for nursing majors, I have a whole lot more returning students. It's really interesting to note that as a whole, these students are some of the best I've ever had the privilege of teaching. They are motivated by life experiences to seek a better job and life for themselves and their families. They work hard--many of them are working a full-time job and going to school, and/or also being parents to kids ranging in age from 9 months to 17.

One of my students works a night job cleaning offices. She has a nine year old son at home, her husband works the day shift, and she attends classes during the daytime. I can't imagine how much sleep she gets each night, but I'm betting it's not much.

Another student just welcomed her husband home from Iraq after a year's deployment. She has been playing single mom to 4 kids (ages 2 to 9) while also working as a doula and childbirth instructor. She took off a week and a half to spend time with her husband and her family, and came back today, made up a lab she missed, handed in the lab work by the end of the day, and also handed in the homework from last week. She's going to have this week caught up by Friday and will be all set to take the midterm with everyone else on Monday. Wow.

Another student is the single mom of two kids, 6 and 11, and is currently unemployed. She's enrolled full-time in the nursing pre-requisites at my college, and she is also enrolled full-time at another college training to be a medical transcriptionist. Her plan is to work her way through the nursing program as a medical transcriptionist, supporting her family, until she's done and can be employed in nursing. AND, she is in the process of building her own house through Habitat For Humanity. Wow.

I worked through college part-time, and I took "more than full" courseloads for 2.5 years. I thought that was kind of impressive, but 12 years on I am thinking that I had it easy. I wasn't married, I wasn't fully supporting myself with my job, I had supportive parents, and I had no kids. Yeah, that was the easy way to do college. This path that a lot of my students are taking? I would classify that as the hard way. But they are MOTIVATED. And they are all going to make awesome nurses when they're done. I'm privileged to teach these folks.