The Value Judgement

Well we had a good time visiting my brother and his family this past weekend. As anticipated, there were many value judgements on both sides. My brother and his wife have taken a completely opposite style of parenting to the one my DH & I are using, and this revealed itself in several comparisons between our children. Of course rationally we all know that each child is different, and responds best to different things, but human nature being what it is, we couldn't refrain from comparing them (and when I say "we", I don't mean just DH & I, but also my brother and SIL).

Their kids tend to be smaller than ours. What can we say, ours are members of the Big Baby Club. I think DS at 16 months of age is pretty darn close to the weight of their almost 5 year old DD! Crazy. And we noticed that if you looked at DD and Niece#2 playing together, you'd never guess that DD was 18 months younger. Just those BBC genes at work again.

SIL has decided that we are picky eaters, and this is true. However, we were trying our best to fit in with whatever they were making, and SIL was insistent that she only make things we liked! Kind hospitality but we felt like we were imposing whenever she made a meal, because she had to say something, again, about our pickiness. But they can't seem to refrain from making value judgements in their commentary about their lifestyle anyway. My brother was continually telling us, "Well I don't eat much meat any more. It's healthier to eat mostly vegetarian, and cheaper too." Yes, thank you, we know this. And we also already know this about you. You don't have to tell us every time a meal is being made with meat, TYVM. Talk about Dad Jr. syndrome--it's just the kind of constant repetitious comment that our dad makes.

Of course, our DD had meltdowns at bedtime on two of the three nights we were there. The first night, we made the mistake of letting her attempt to sleep with her cousins in the living room, sleepover-style. We should have known better from the get-go...DD is three, she is not able to handle the constant temptation of playing with her cousin, and she was not going to go to sleep in that environment. So we warned her twice, then put her in her cousin's bedroom upstairs, where she had a complete and utter meltdown. She was up way past her normal bedtime, she was tired from traveling there, and she was excited about her cousins. Go figure, right? Well, I could practically hear the waves of disapproval from my brother and SIL. I know they were saying to each other, "They should just let her stay up...she'll fall asleep eventually." Because that is their approach--no fixed bedtimes. Which is fine for their house, their kids. But we know OUR kid, and she was not going handle that well the next day. She would have woken up at her normal time, just been super-cranky and tired and naughty all day. No thanks. The third night she had another meltdown, because we again deviated from the bedtime routine, and let her start watching a movie with her cousins. Will we ever learn, it's a huge mistake to deviate from the bedtime routine??? Anyhow, she wasn't watching it, she was playing with her cousin and ramping up again, so we put a stop to that and back to bed upstairs. Another meltdown. C'est la vie...but we aren't going to just go with the flow when we know our kids will be poorer for it.

On the other hand, their almost five year old is going through an episode of 'pants soiling', which she has been doing for three weeks and apparently only does at home--not at school, not at friends' houses. Hmm. They are incredibly frustrated (rightly so) and were clearly unhappy that we witnessed this fun parenting struggle they are having with their (incredibly strong-willed, damn those stubborn genes from our side of the family :~D) daughter. No, we were not going to call my sister or my parents to tattle on this episode, though they probably thought we were. (I digress, but for some reason they think that whenever they are visited their visits are discussed ad nauseum amongst the rest of the family...a circumstance which has happened once regarding the present debacle at Christmastime...and who were they kidding, like my parents weren't going to tell my sister about it?? Anyway...) And my husband and I quietly discussed it when we were alone and agreed that should one of our children exhibit this behavior we would handle it differently. But that's it. Apart from suggesting mildly to my SIL that perhaps they should discuss it with their pediatrician to make sure there is nothing physically wrong, we kept our mouths shut. But still, of course DH & I had made a value judgement based on that.

It just goes to show that regardless of how much we try to be accepting of the differences in our family, there is always a subtext in play due to the vastly different lifestyles and parenting choices that have been made. When my parents are there, that brings a whole 'nother dynamic, because my brother feels obligated to relive his (rebellious) teen years in their presence, which irritates the hell out of me (Um, hello, you're nearly FORTY, don't you think it's time to move on with your relationship to your parents?). So visits are definitely more low-key when that dynamic is removed. And our kids do have a good time, even if we have to keep a close eye on influences. Let's just say, underpants are optional for kiddos in their house (and I'm not talking about just occasionally, I mean ALL THE TIME, to school, to friends' houses, just...everywhere), and they most certainly are NOT optional in our house. After finding my DD bottomless with her cousin and wanting to run around as such in their backyard, I explained quietly but firmly that we did things differently in our family and she was not allowed to run around without her panties on. She put them back on and it was fine. Still, I hope that it doesn't curtail visits in the future because we have to spend a lot of time deprogramming our kids. I hope we can keep balancing our lifestyle choices with the need and desire to stay close with our family members. It should get really interesting when our kids get a bit older. Wish us luck.

Random Bits of Life

I replied to an email inquiring about the general state of my life given my recent silence in the blogosphere, and now will shamelessly repatriate the email for the general audience of my blog. Here goes...

Anyhow, I am doing good. I have just been very busy of late, mostly chasing after a very active little boy who has learned how to climb and is busily trying to scale every piece of furniture in the house. My job is Safety Spotter these days. Oh, and Argument Mediator, since he's figured out how to annoy his sister, and Attention Giver, since DD interprets me hovering around DS (trying to keep him from breaking his skull), as Attention, and she insists on getting Her Fair Share.

Thus my house and yard and other bits have been suffering lately, and it's kind of depressing. I was in a good groove for a few months, the house was reasonably tidy, the clutter was diminishing, the yard was perking up--then Sickness! Calamity! Child Development! And everything changed once again. I suppose I should expect that but it took me by surprise yet again. So I am just now re-equilibrating and attempting to find another new groove in order to keep on top of everything. Blogging went out the window, unsurprisingly. I am sure I will get back into a habit soon, hopefully.

Fortunately I finally managed to plant my vegetable garden (always a source of cheer in the summertime), and now just need to tackle the bed cleaning and weeding tasks that are multitudinous at this time of year. Eventually I might, just might, get my yard looking all nice and clean...when the kids are moved out! I have given up all pretense at organic gardening and am enrolling my new favorite friends, Weed N Feed and Preen, as my gardening companions. Perhaps with their assistance I will finally have a shot at weed-free lawn and planting beds...but I will not hold my breath. It's really more of a war at this stage, as the blessing & curse of very fertile soil makes quite the home for weedy pests like Scottish thistle, creeping buttercup, and brambles of all sorts. I don't mind the chickweed, but thorny/spiky plants are just not welcome with little ones running around the yard and garden. DH is jonesing for one of those flame weeders to keep the gravel driveways clear, and darn if I'm not thinking of getting him one! I am just a tad concerned that he will become overexuberant with it next to our (wood) house.

We have had quite the crew of intrepid birds around the yard lately. The spotted towhees have become accustomed to our presence and talk quite loudly to us when we bumble around the yard, interrupting their vociferous chatter and search for food. The downy/hairy woodpeckers are downright friendly, staying on the suet feeder when I'm only a few feet away. The pileated woodpeckers are doing their own thing during the summer, it seems, but the variety of hummingbirds are making up for their loud & large presence. And we saw a redtailed hawk at the end of our lane last weekend, early in the morning. It was on the ground and flew off as we approached, a small tailed rodent firmly clutched in its talons. It settled in a nearby alder for its breakfast. Alas, no camera! Always my luck on such occasions, I'm afraid.

My friend had expressed some concern over developments in his (formerly, our) workplace, and my take on the proposed changes was,
"Anyway you orient it, it's ugly--and I'm betting it won't work. But hey, maybe he (this would be the former co-worker who made it seem like everything he did worked even when it patently didn't, and our boss swallowed it all because it was easier that way) will get some great results...I doubt it, though. It's a good thing I don't work on it any more. I'd hate to have the discussions with X...and I'd hate even more any "trial attempts" he would ram in, then creatively interpret to make {Ex-Boss} think it worked like a charm. Ugh. See, I'm already annoyed and I'm not even working on it! Good thing I'm just being a plain old adjunct faculty member up here. I just don't have the creative suspension of disbelief that is apparently required for research these days. I'd probably end up labeled "Bad Attitude" like Y and shuttled around between projects at whim. Plus, you know, I'm one of those scientists who think Intelligent Design poses good questions that should be answered, so I'd just be Expelled like the rest, because I probably would say something at some point to get myself in hot water. Yep, I'll stick with Safety Spotter, thanks."

And thus sums up my life at present, folks. Oh, that and the mildew issue in the laundry room, which perhaps I will avoid until after this weekend, but then-again-perhaps-not because I don't want to deal with a VERY mildewy laundry room after the weekend. *sigh* Guess what I'll be doing tomorrow?

Another "Meme"

The rules of the game get posted at the beginning. Each player answers the questions about themselves. At the end of the post, the player then tags 5-6 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know they’ve been tagged and asking them to read your blog.Let the person who tagged you know when you’ve posted your answer.

1) What was I doing 10 years ago?
That would be the end of my first year of graduate school, so I was figuring out that most of my fellow first years were just as or more whacked out than I was. I had already figured out that the party/drinking scene was so totally not me. I tried it for three months to fit in and figure out which of my fellow students were certifiably insane really whacked out and should be avoided at all costs, and found out quickly that the whole get drunk for fun thing is just not me. In fact I never got drunk with my fellow students, having quite quickly figured out that they were not to be trusted when pictures of drunken-off-their-arse fellow students were taken in odd/humorous positions. Yeah. I ditched my crazy roommate who accused me of stealing her mayo (as if, I don't even eat mayo), moved in a new roomie/fellow grad student who promptly hooked up with another grad student, so I had 2 roomies de facto. By this time of year ten years ago, we were all moving out of the 2 bedroom place, they were moving in together (later to get married), and I gave up on roommates and found a glorious, mine, all mine, all to myself, gloriously alone! one bedroom for the princely sum of $544 per month. It had only two windows and hideously ugly '70s pale yellow laminate countertops, but I could paint the place to make it mine, so I put a huge dark blue wall with stars in my living room and a cheery yellow in the bedroom. I loved it. And, by the end of June of that year, I was going to "meet" DH in an Anúna chat room. Ah, love. :)

2) What are 5 things on my to-do list for today (not in any particular order):
Well today is almost over so I'd better give you a hybrid of today/tomorrow--
1. Start (and finish) grading my students' lab reports & quizzes from last week.
2. Input all their grades into my spreadsheet.
3. Write their quiz & email it to the college's duplicating services, to be magically copied and whizzed into my mailbox prior to my arrival on site tomorrow afternoon.
4. Remind myself what the heck we are doing in lab tomorrow, and make sure I'm ready to teach it.
5. Figure out if DH left some water in the laundry room which is making it smell mildewy, and how best to clean it up (tomorrow morning, probably). (It's a long story but suffice it to say that our water is very, very cold coming out of the tap and our kids are very small, and kiddie pools need hot water don't they, and DH says let's just run a hose to the hot water line...I think you know where I'm going here...)

3) Snacks I enjoy:
ripe pears, cherries, or strawberries
Trader Joes bruschetta on their everything bagel chips
good potato chips (as opposed to the wafer thin ones covered in salt masquerading as potatoes)
ice cream cones in summertime

4) Things I would do if I were a billionaire:
fund Christian missionary work
fund charitable work in third world countries--housing, self-sufficiency, orphanages, clean water, etc.

5) Places I have lived:
Virginia, Oklahoma, Florida, California, Arizona, Washington, Japan

6) 6 peeps I wanna know more about:
Carol, Dana, Stan, Fiona, Stephanie, Tricia--consider yourselves tagged!

Fire, Pestilence & Plagues

Whatever lesson God is trying to teach me right now, I'm crying "Uncle!" and begging Him to just say it directly into my apparently thick head, because I am just about done with the toads, locusts, hail, and other sundry and assorted calamities that have befallen our household in recent weeks. All right, maybe the toads and locusts are a slight exaggeration, but consider the following:

• We've had mice in our house, AGAIN. I don't know if I mentioned the fun little episode where I found a mouse IN OUR COUCH by sitting down on it, and seeing a little gray tail between the cushions making its way toward me. I did not know I could simultaneously scream in that high of a pitch and leapfrog into the air such that I nearly hit my head on the ceiling. We trapped and removed that little bugger, but then caught two more with a snap trap and a sticky trap. I removed the still living mouse from the sticky trap with some used cooking oil, and released him outside. Hopefully that mouse learned its lesson and didn't come back inside. I am really going to fire our pest control (or lack thereof) company now, and have bought fine steel wool and constructive adhesive and a caulk gun to seal up all crevices under our cabinets myself. And, I am going to have to move every heavy piece of furniture in the house to make sure I have vacuumed & mopped up any and all mouse droppings. And I have to clean out the pantry floor & do the same. And finally finish sanding and painting the pantry door, so they can't get in there again.
• My DD, not content with bringing home Every Cold & Flu Bug Under the Sun, has topped off our cold season with the Cold That Never Ends®. She got this cold over two weeks ago, and STILL has the wheezy, slightly phlegmmy cough. She has shared this cold with every other member of the family, including myself. I finally succumbed about four days ago and have been miserably expelling mucus and dealing with my own nighttime phlegmmy cough. DS is completely and utterly miserable, being as he is cutting teeth again, and is sick. Baby Vicks is nice, but it doesn't quite do the job when mucus production is in high gear. So DH & I have been perpetually sleep deprived for going on, oh, about three weeks.
• DS & DD had their first dentist visit, and DS has EIGHT cavities. Yes, EIGHT. No, we are not feeding him Caro syrup in a bottle at night. However, I have been night-nursing him still (at 15 months of age) and we took away the pacifier from him at 12 months of age, which apparently was a recipe for Calamitous Early Childhood Caries. Now, I won't dwell on my deep, undying bitterness at being told that both of these things were okay by our pediatrician unhappiness with the conflicting nature of the advice we were given by the pediatrician, to which our pediatric dentist cheerfully, as she pictured the vacation to Maui we are going to fund when we pay the bill for DS' dental care said in a blasé fashion, "Well, this is why the pediatric dentist association is now recommending that you bring in your baby for their first dental visit when the first tooth erupts, because it can cause problems to have the pediatrician give good nutritional advice which conflicts with good dental advice." Oh, gee, thanks for the warning, now that my son's teeth are cavity-ridden. I'll be sure to bring that up with my pediatrician, when I bring in my son for a physical exam necessitated by the fact that he has to go under general anesthesia to get his cavities filled! Nope, no bitterness here, folks!
• Our kitchen sink began backing up a week ago, which caused several rounds of plunging of the sink, plus opening up the drain clean-out under the window, and even borrowing a neighbor's snake (and the neighbors) to disassemble the p-trap and check for clogs. It seemed to be okay again, finally...until we discovered we had left the clean-out cap off, and all of our kitchen sink and dishwasher draining was just flowing out there and into the (fortunately gravel, and therefore absorbent) driveway. I had a plumber come out on Monday. He snaked the whole drain line and couldn't find a clog, so said it was either a clog in the 3" line or that the septic tank was full, and asked for a check for $95. I paid him and called a rooter service, after rummaging through our house paperwork and reassuring ourselves that the septic was pumped 2 years ago, and thus should not be in need of being pumped again. The rooter fellow came out yesterday, and found that our kitchen line was sludged. He got it all cleaned out and working, and $175 later, we were back in business, with the caveat that our drain line is improperly bracketed, causing sags between brackets, which are more prone to sludging. So DH can look forward to a messy and smelly hour or so in the crawlspace sometime soon, installing more brackets so our drain line is mostly level.
• This morning, I woke up and stumbled out in search of coffee & breakfast, and my designated time to catch up on email and get myself ready to teach today. No email! No internet! No phone, even! I spent an hour on my (pay as you go, how much did that cost me) cell phone with tech support for our cable company, unplugging our modem, disconnecting the battery, disconnecting the splitter, all while DS howled endlessly because I wasn't devoting 100% of my attention to his feeling-bad self. Boy was that fun. Oh, and while I turned the phone away to cough and blow my nose multiple times. Then, after a service call was set up for today, I called my neighbor. Her internet was out too. So I was just the first on our road to call, apparently. Two hours later, and it is back on and we are back in business. I just happened to notice.
• I have to call my former employer who, in a remarkable show of their efficiency and drive, sent me a ticket two years later asking for $25 because I didn't return my parking pass gatecard. Are you $%^*ing kidding me? I am tempted to call it the Last Revenge of the Parking Nazis. I have the gatecard. I want to send it to them, I just need an address. And I want them to take their ticket and waive it, because it did take them TWENTY-FOUR MONTHS to ask for the thing back! Also, I have to call my old cell phone company, who want me to pay them $65 per month for the remaining 6 months of my contract. Erm, no. Just cancel it. I said this to them six months ago, and instead they put my contract "on hold". I'm willing to pay for April's service because I hadn't called them yet, but that's it. I should have done it when I initially said I was going to, but DH said, "Why are we going to pay them $200 to cancel it? I don't want to do that." Because the MATH says it's cheaper than paying $65 a month for 6 months! So now I get to pay the Stupid Tax. Grrrr. Note to self, when you've done the math, just make the call--or tell DH, "Fine, it's now your responsibility. Make the call and negotiate."

So I'm done now. I don't want any more nasty events, thanks. I've had my share for the year. And if you're trying to teach me something, Lord, I'm begging you to just whisper it in my ear. Because I just can't pay attention well when my ears are clogged and my son is pulling on my leg. Thanks.

Visits, In-Laws, and Offenses

DH was just informed this morning that his parents will not be coming over for Christmas as originally planned, due to the surprise pregnancy of SIL, whose 3rd child is now due on Christmas Day. Their second child is 7, so this is a bit of a surprise, although a very welcome one! Naturally my in-laws want to be at home to help out and meet their newest grandchild, so that's all very exciting and wonderful news.

On the downside, it removes a very large incentive from our sluggish bottoms with regard to doing something with our guest cottage. It's good, in that we would prefer to pay cash as we go for improvements to the cottage, but it's also bad, because we are far less likely to actually proceed with any improvements without a hard deadline of a looming family visit. I hope that we will actually proceed with unpacking and tidying out there, and maybe continue to investigate the plumbing situation and save up some designated funds for putting in the bathroom, and making the electrical upgrades that will likely be triggered by the necessity of a waste pump for the bathroom (the joys of being slightly down-grade from the septic system).

This also, I think, puts a bit more charge on our upcoming visit (under 70 days and counting) to Ireland. Without any firm plans for a reciprocal visit, it makes things a bit more open-ended and a bit more dramatic (i.e. the "I don't know when we'll see you next" type of thing), which can be a bit draining for everyone involved. I truly envy DH's multi-decade friendships and the close-knit, extended family network that he grew up with in Ireland. Being an Air Force brat, I would not know what that is like. However, that rachets up the emotional cost to being 'that American woman who took our son away', and however lovely my in-laws are I'm sure there are times that they wish he had found a nice Irish girl and settled at home, not 5000 miles away in America. Add in the fact that I'm a Christian who has likewise 'corrupted' their son into being a Christian too (I'm sure my FIL feels this way in some small measure, although he is far too much of a gentleman to admit as much even to DH), and it's pretty clear that I am "Other"--a well-loved "Other", but "Other" nonetheless.

There is also something which I term the Fear of Offense Factor™, which arose chiefly from an extensive party/family gathering just after the Iraq war started, where I found myself (the lone American in the room) under attack from all family members present for the entirety of America's foreign policy, the decision to go to war in Iraq, and the countless humanitarian suffering that was unfolding. I think they were so eager to discuss it and have "their views heard!" that there was a bit of forgetting that, while being American, I am not the President, nor am I even a member of Congress, and while I vote I cannot be held accountable for America's foreign policy. Alcohol was being consumed, I was getting tired of being lambasted for the war, I was also tired of a complete failure to take into account the press reports at that time of the infamous "weapons of mass destruction" which numerous countries (including France) thought Iraq had...and well, I got a bit testy. I believe I suggested to people that they write letters to the President to register their complaints, and that no matter what America does in the world, it's never the right thing (intervene in Bosnia/Darfur/East Timor! No, don't intervene in the sovereign affairs of another country!). I was a bit pissed off after about three hours of railing about Iraq, to say the least.

Since then, my greater assortment of in-laws are afraid to discuss anything remotely controversial with me. It's like the mutual consensus is, "Oooo, she was really pissed off that one time, so we'd better not discuss religion/politics/world issues/immigration/environmental issues/anything-remotely-controversial-about-which-she-might-have-an-alternate-viewpoint." So for recent visits I have discovered that DH has had spirited discussions with his sisters and father about all sorts of hotbed issues, and the conversation just sort of stops if I show up in the room. Hmmmm. *eye tic* Mostly the conversations take place late at night, when I'm sure to have gone to bed because our children will be up at the crack of dawn and require one parent at least to be awake and conscious. But anything that might be offensive, well, there are profuse apologies rendered and a bit of eggshell stepping which I find tiresome. My SIL mistakenly sent me a YouTube video of Jesus lip-synching to Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive", and being hit by a bus. She sent a very apologetic message to me hoping I wasn't offended. What, because I'm a Christian my sense of humor was removed, like a humor lobectomy? Of course I wasn't offended! I think my favorite YouTube to that song is the alien disco queen with the disco ball, but that's beside the point. The point is, just because I might have a different opinion does not mean that I should be excluded from conversations about controversial issues.

I hope that on this visit I can successfully communicate this. I hope that they don't avoid discussing things with me because they just don't want to hear an alternative point of view. The fact is that we all have biases and the media we use for our source of news have their biases, and it's fair to say we ought to be aware of that. However, it does not make the discussions any less interesting, or another viewpoint less valid. I hope that DH doesn't feel guilty because we don't live in Ireland (have you SEEN the cost of living over there??), or because we parent differently than his sister or parents did (slightly differently, I might add). I hope that just because I think about things differently, I don't feel left out. Waaa. Sorry for the whiny post. Just a few musings in the hope that by working through these thoughts in my own headspace before we go, it will be a pleasant trip for all.