Erosion of Confidence

Have you ever noticed that it's incredibly easy to lose confidence, and remarkably hard to build it up again?

I ask because I have been faced with my own self-doubts recently, and I have several friends dealing with similiar confidence-sapping issues. Of course, it is all tied up with career and family concerns. Do you ever get over wondering if you are being a good enough parent for your children? I'm not sure you do. Worse still is when you are a working mom, and wonder if you are damaging your child(ren) by working and not being at home with them. I certainly suffered my share of that complex while I was working outside the home, and now a friend is confronting the same issues.

But I digress, because, really, what has confronted me and other women I know in science is the question of whether or not we are really good enough at what we do to merit the jobs we desire. I mentioned applying for a tenure track position at a local community college. I called this past week to inquire about it, because it was over two weeks since the opening closed and I wanted to check on it. I was told that the committee had made their selection of candidates to interview, and I did not make the cut. I did not ask why, but now I wonder if I should have. It was gnawing at me for a while--was it because I did not have direct experience teaching a community college? Was it because my undergraduate GPA wasn't high enough? My references emailed all their letters to me, so I know they were good...did they already have a candidate in mind? Perhaps they couldn't afford to pay a Ph.D. for the position?

My friend has a prestigious fellowship that is nearing an end. She applied for numerous teaching jobs, and only received one interview. She found out a few weeks ago that she didn't get the job, something which she suspected at the time of the interview. She got the impression that she didn't have enough teaching experience for their tastes. Now she is hoping for some type of industry position, because that is all that is available. Even at that, of two interviews she completed at a recent conference, she has hopes of hearing for an on-site interview from one company. For that one position, she was told there are 200 applicants. *sigh* Kind of depressing, isn't it?

Another friend has been teaching at a community college for the past year. She was filling in for a professor on sabbatical, and now that person is not returning. My friend has to interview for the job she has been doing for the past year, and with flying colors. Yet, she is nervous about getting the permanent position. There are so many more experienced people who could be applying--how can she be confident that she will retain a position that she has already held?

I don't know the answers. I know that I am good at science. I know my abilities are top-notch, and I know that I have proven that to former co-workers and bosses. However, I still feel like I am fighting against the flow to get in somewhere; and it's not even vital that I do so! I have the luxury of staying at home--I don't have to go to work if I don't want to. I can sit and wait for the right opportunity that suits me & my family. My friends aren't so fortunate--they have to work to make ends meet. So to find a position, any position, is a very stressful situation for them--and they have to wonder if they are doing okay when they have a hard time finding something. They have to ask, "Am I really good at what I do?"

It's a difficult question for anyone, but especially tough to stomach after we all fought our way through the shark pool of graduate study, fighting indifferent advisors or sexist professors to get out with that cherished degree. It was supposed to be better when we were done, wasn't it? Sadly, we are all finding, it's not.