Societal Guilt

I heard someone comment recently that those who are highly educated have a debt to society, women in particular if they then choose to have children and stay at home. As you can imagine, this struck a nerve with me. Um, the last time I checked, the student loan from graduate study was in MY name, thanks buddy!!

What is it about our society that compels people to offer their unsolicited opinions on one's career and family choices? I applied for a job that I didn't get. I had my reasons for applying for it, and they had their reasons for not choosing me. I don't know their reasons for not selecting me. I know my reasons for applying included a possible opportunity to use some of my training and education, while still retaining a decent amount of time to spend with my kids. If my reasons and their requirements didn't mesh (and they obviously didn't), that doesn't mean I have decided on that career option and that I'm mourning the loss of that opportunity.

I had someone suggest to me that I should look into teaching at the high school level. Apparently there is a need in our area for science teachers. Um, no. I'm not interested in teaching high school, TYVM. My mother is a high school teacher, and has taught for 37+ years in public schools. I know exactly what kind of work it is, what parents and students nowadays are like, and I'm not interested. The person in question was a high school teacher, and so of course they think that it's a great job. Great! I'm glad you like it! However, irrespective of the fact that "every school is different, it's different teaching in a 'good' school district" (my mom teaches in a pretty crappy low income school district so experiences more of the societal pains than average)...yeah. I'm still not interested. To me, it's one thing to teach students who are voluntarily (on some level) in school, as you have at a community college or university. It's quite another to deal with younger students who are compelled to attend. Frankly, I'm not interested in the grade smoothing and curve lowering that seems to be a prerequisite in public schools. Either you learn the required material or you don't. I will go out of my way (and have done in my previous teaching) to help you if you are making an effort to learn it, but I'm not going to cry over students who obviously don't give a damn and aren't trying.

In any case, I'm not teaching now. I'm not working as a research scientist. I'm working as a stay at home mom. I run most of the errands, pay all the bills, take care of 2 kids, etc. I don't need to explain to anyone why I'm not teaching, at whatever level, or working in scientific research. I could go on ad nauseum about the job situation out there for chemists, but people don't seem to *get* it. I'm not going to settle for just any job. I can afford to NOT bring in an income. I am very lucky in this respect. It means I have to do without my fab rehab kitchen or attached garage or extra bedroom or fabulously landscaped yard, but that's ok. It's a choice I made, after much prayer, soul-searching, and discussion with my husband. Just like I chose to apply for a job, which I didn't get. It doesn't mean I need a job. It doesn't mean that I'm looking for a job. It just happened to maybe fit, and then it didn't. We move on.

Do we have to label people as a SAHM, or "actively looking" for employment? Is there a hard line between the two? Why do you have to ask me about it? Why would it bother someone else if I chose to get a Ph.D. and then (in their opinion) "not use it"? Grrrr. Grow up and mind your own business, please!

Supermom?

My son has spent the past two and a half hours doing his best imitation of Jack Nicholson from "The Witches of Eastwick". No, he hasn't been floating around a ballroom or a tennis court. Rather, I was thinking of a scene near the end where Jack Nicholson's character is standing in the wind and, clearly enraged and in pain, says, "Why are you doing this to me, why?" My poor baby has had some bad gas pain, and he was standing up on my lap screaming at me with a similiar expression on his face.

When he was a newborn I would be frustrated by this. Our DD was never that gassy, and so dealing with a baby who screamed for several hours from gas was just a bit nerve-wracking. Now I know what the problem is, and I know some strategies for coping, but when he was a few weeks' old it was very frustrating. I'm sure the poor kiddo knew he was annoying us because DH and I got a "tone" to our voices when dealing with it at 3 am. Maybe that is why he is so much more smiley than his sister was at this age--sort of apologizing for the inconvenience and showing us, "Hey, I really am loveable despite the whole gas thing."

I wish there were a way to reassure him that just because he's different from his sister, doesn't mean we didn't love him from the start. It just took us some time to learn his differences, and perhaps a reminder that one newborn doesn't fit all, haha. I hope he never feels like I love him less than his sister, I just love him differently, because he is different from her. I hope that makes sense. I love him because he's his own person, different from me, his dad, his sister, everyone. I find it fascinating discovering those differences, and I know already that things that work for his sister aren't going to work for him. I suppose it's one of those things I didn't really think about before his birth, that he would be so completely different. I do see similarities, but for the most part I think these two kids are quite distinct from each other.

Of course I feel a strong connection with DD because she is older, and I have had more time to get to know her. As I try to figure out this new little guy in our family, I hope he understands when I have to spend time with his big sis and maybe let him fuss for a few minutes when I put her down for her nap. I don't want him to feel neglected, but she needs her mommy too. It's a tough balancing act. I hope I'm not screwing up!

Happy Moments

I love those serendipitous moments that sneak up on you where you realize how completely happy you are at that moment in time. Tonight was just such a night--a lovely realization of what a lovely time we were having together as a family. I made my now infamous beet chocolate cake (and if you want the recipe, just ask, I will post it) with the able assistance of DD, while DH cooked a lovely pair of lasagnes (he likes cheddar cheese sauce in it, I don't). DS was happy to just chill out in his bouncer during dinner preparations, and while he stared with longing at each bite which arrived at DH's lips, he was pretty content for most of the meal (a real record for him).

I finished putting the new handles on the reinvigorated side of the kitchen today, and it really made me happy as I puttered around making my cake and then the frosting. Even better, I achieved great success in halving the sugar in the frosting, which was great! As the child of now two diabetic parents, I am delighted to tweak recipes so that the sugar content is lower but the product still tastes delicious. You don't miss the sugar, and DH is still deciding whether to be miffed or not that I've sneaked nutritious beets which he can't taste into a yummy chocolate cake. DD was so anxious to eat the cake she "helped" to make that she almost refused to eat her lasagne, until Daddy made a game out of it with airplane forks arriving at the hanger of her mouth. She gobbled up 3/4 of her serving before she realized she had eaten it!

Even our bird Alex decided to be perfectly amenable and friendly today, resisting the urge to shriek when Daddy was on the phone for work. Although I had a grueling dentist's appointment this morning, I am happy to have clean teeth again after a year plus of no dentist's attention; and I am glad DH works from home on Wednesdays so that I could leave the kids at home in his care without worry about how they would fare with a babysitter. I am further delighted to have lost 6 lbs in my first week on Weight Watchers, in my battle against the evil pregnancy pounds that I piled on before DS's arrival three months ago.

So, today has been a good day. Right now my DD is running around the living room serving us her food from her play kitchen, having happily smeared dark chocolate frosting over her face and some of her dress. DH is watching 'Malcolm in the Middle' and has gotten DS asleep on the Boppy in his lap, and together we are enjoying a fine glass of *gulp* MERLOT from our favorite winery in CA. The gulp is not me drinking more wine, , but more because we are not merlot fans in general (for a humorous portrayal of why many oenophiles feel the same, see the movie "Sideways"), but this one has surprised us with its complexity in bouquet and taste. Wow, a good glass of merlot! Will wonders never cease this eve??

To top it all off, DH, as he handed me a glass of this merlot (Suzie's Reserve Merlot, 2003, Pezzi King winery, in case you were interested), told me that he has tomorrow off from work "just because". WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOO!!! My husband, who has been working like a maniac on his CAPM exam and the latest crisis in work, has a DAY OFF!! What a great surprise!!! We have no plans to exploit it, just enjoy some together time with no fixed agenda. Mmmmmm, no fixed agenda....now THAT is a happy moment!

Seasonal Clutter

Have you ever noticed, if you are clutterbug, how your clutter takes different forms at different times of year? I even have garden clutter, something which should technically be impossible since it's all nature, right? Em, no...not when one has a dozen strawberry plants, a rhododendron, Pieris, and golden spirea, plus 3 heathers, sitting at various points in the yard waiting patiently for planting. And, I don't think empty plastic pots from other plants who have finally met the earth count as garden sculpture.

My house is cluttered. There, it's out in the open, and I've admitted it. It is only a few weeks since I undertook the mammoth job of organizing all of our correspondence and filing all the old bills, tax information, and other miscellaneous-but-must-keep bits of paper. I proudly got 90% of it put away, and the other 10% is mouldering on my almost-clean desktop. Fortuitously I have one of those pull-down secretariat desks, so it is hidden from view and presents one of the few facades of cleanliness in our house. However, the mail is beginning to pile up again on our remaining green kitchen countertop, so doubtless I will do my best to clear that up before we attack everything on that side of the kitchen with an orbital sander this weekend.

Still, there is an element of appropriate seasonality (is that a word? *L*) in our clutter. Next to the mail is a pretty green glass vase, just a cheapie from IKEA, but it's filled with plastic Easter eggs. Seems pretty "spring-y" to me. (As an aside, this is where I stashed some of DD's eggs which I filled with good European chocolate chicks...I love our local market for stocking them, although my waistline probably doesn't need their ample assistance.) DD has added her Easter hat to her favorite dress-up toys, so it is regularly a feature of the living room landscape. I've even tried to keep the dish towels mostly spring pastels, although I confess a Christmas one snuck out the other day when I needed a towel RIGHT NOW and it was the first to come to hand. My current sewing project, a Roman blind for the guest/kiddo bathroom, has pretty flowers on the fabric. All right, so it's just draped near the sewing machine, but eventually I will get to sewing. Its presence reminds me of the project, so that one afternoon when God smiles on me and the kids are both sleeping or behaving, I can get going with it. I'm guessing Thanksgiving. ;)

In any case, I am tempted to hunt up my "seasonal" decorations and festoon my one hung shelf (again, IKEA) with a garden gnome, a totally non-functional mini tricycle with rear basket (all ready for fake flowers which I have never arranged in it), and my faux rose wreath for the front door. I could clear up all the clutter, and have artfully arranged seasonal accessories that make my main living spaces feel inviting and spring-like.

Enh, who am I kidding...it would just be more clutter. Maybe next year.

Kitchen Reinvigoration

I will not call what we are doing to our kitchen a remodel. A remodel is when you spend lots of money, get to drool over brand new kitchen appliances and pick out your favorites to embed in your sea of new custom cabinetry, complete with built-in espresso/cappuccino machine and your old black fridge (2000 vintage) which is waaaaaaaaaaay better than the piece of crap Kenmore you have in your current kitchen. Yep, what we WANT versus what we are GETTING can be easily defined as the distance between Okinawa and Hawaii.

So, we are not remodeling. We are reinvigorating, by completely repainting every surface of our kitchen and springing for some actual door handles (oooo, door HANDLES...you mean we don't have to grab the edge of the cabinet door with our fingernails any more??), some spray paint to camouflage the existing hinges to sort of match the new handles, and 2 (yes, two!) new light fixtures.

It might help to picture why this is necessary. You see, the '70s called...they want our kitchen back. Yes, I know those plywood cabinets with mid-tone brown oak veneer were oh-so-fashionable circa 1973, but they really don't cut it in 2007. And the oh-so-lovely orange wallpaper and matching orange paint, showing through the poor paint job of the previous owners, really was crying out for improvement. (As an aside, may I note that their paint job was SO bad, I was literally wiping off paint when I used a regular kitchen cleaner on the wall next to our garbage can? But I digress.)

Worst of all are the painted, yes, I said painted, formica countertops. Orange formica. Bright orange formica. Showing in places where the green marble faux paint was chipped off the edges and surfaces of the countertops. There is only one word for this: ewwwww.

The kitchen was supposed to be the crowning glory of modernization. When we moved into this house ten months ago, we had a budget of $15,000 set aside to renovate the kitchen. Then, the fleas came. A flea infestation...and we found out my husband is allergic to flea bites. We bombed the house, twice. We had a professional pest control company come and treat. We bought a top of the line Dyson and I vacuumed the carpets three times a day. And still, they came. We came to the conclusion that the kitchen remodel would have to wait, and pulled the trigger on a whole house hardwood floor. Beautiful...and $14,500 later, our kitchen remodel budget was *poof*. *sigh*

So, I was going to tough it out with the existing kitchen. I figured somehow, we would find a way to pay for a new kitchen sometime soon. However, given that I am not working, and am not likely to be working anytime soon, I broached the subject with DH of freshening up our kitchen. Much to my surprise, DH suggested doing it straight away, so this past weekend we dug in, took off the cabinet doors, and sanded down both countertop & cabinets on one side of the kitchen. We primed everything, including the walls, and systematically painted the walls, then the cabinet frames & doors, then the countertops. We figured we would try to repaint the formica, and if that failed or looked horrible, we would buy some off-the-rack laminate countertops and install them ourselves. This would have been a riskier option, though, as we aren't sure how the cabinet frames would hold up.

In any case, this is not necessary, because the repainted countertops look darn good. In fact, it all looks darn good, which makes the sweat equity worth it. DH & I had our customary DIY spats about how to get things done, and I ended up doing the bulk of the paintwork while DH distracted our daughter and played with our son. I pretty much served as the lunch wagon as required, and got back to work when he was done. Given DH's tendency to slap on paint quickly when he's tired, I preferred to work slowly and steadily through everything (although I got a bit sloppy at the end, myself).

We now have lovely, tasteful creamy latte colored walls, cream cabinetry, and milk chocolate colored countertops. I polyurethaned the countertops yesterday to seal them (a pain in the rear since I had to move our parrot to our bedroom for the day to avoid the fumes, which she was NOT happy about). DH reinstalled the sink last night, and I nearly wept with joy when I saw that water beaded up on the surface of our countertops! Oh, the simplest things that give me pleasure nowadays. So for a total cost of $350 (which includes the take-out meals for last weekend and this coming weekend, from the kitchen being a disaster zone), we have a new look in our kitchen and I think we can definitely live with it for a few more years. Hooray! Now I just have to vacuum up the zillions of dust particles that came down with the plastic sheeting we taped over the open cabinets while we painted. I guess that Dyson has paid for itself after all.

Erosion of Confidence

Have you ever noticed that it's incredibly easy to lose confidence, and remarkably hard to build it up again?

I ask because I have been faced with my own self-doubts recently, and I have several friends dealing with similiar confidence-sapping issues. Of course, it is all tied up with career and family concerns. Do you ever get over wondering if you are being a good enough parent for your children? I'm not sure you do. Worse still is when you are a working mom, and wonder if you are damaging your child(ren) by working and not being at home with them. I certainly suffered my share of that complex while I was working outside the home, and now a friend is confronting the same issues.

But I digress, because, really, what has confronted me and other women I know in science is the question of whether or not we are really good enough at what we do to merit the jobs we desire. I mentioned applying for a tenure track position at a local community college. I called this past week to inquire about it, because it was over two weeks since the opening closed and I wanted to check on it. I was told that the committee had made their selection of candidates to interview, and I did not make the cut. I did not ask why, but now I wonder if I should have. It was gnawing at me for a while--was it because I did not have direct experience teaching a community college? Was it because my undergraduate GPA wasn't high enough? My references emailed all their letters to me, so I know they were good...did they already have a candidate in mind? Perhaps they couldn't afford to pay a Ph.D. for the position?

My friend has a prestigious fellowship that is nearing an end. She applied for numerous teaching jobs, and only received one interview. She found out a few weeks ago that she didn't get the job, something which she suspected at the time of the interview. She got the impression that she didn't have enough teaching experience for their tastes. Now she is hoping for some type of industry position, because that is all that is available. Even at that, of two interviews she completed at a recent conference, she has hopes of hearing for an on-site interview from one company. For that one position, she was told there are 200 applicants. *sigh* Kind of depressing, isn't it?

Another friend has been teaching at a community college for the past year. She was filling in for a professor on sabbatical, and now that person is not returning. My friend has to interview for the job she has been doing for the past year, and with flying colors. Yet, she is nervous about getting the permanent position. There are so many more experienced people who could be applying--how can she be confident that she will retain a position that she has already held?

I don't know the answers. I know that I am good at science. I know my abilities are top-notch, and I know that I have proven that to former co-workers and bosses. However, I still feel like I am fighting against the flow to get in somewhere; and it's not even vital that I do so! I have the luxury of staying at home--I don't have to go to work if I don't want to. I can sit and wait for the right opportunity that suits me & my family. My friends aren't so fortunate--they have to work to make ends meet. So to find a position, any position, is a very stressful situation for them--and they have to wonder if they are doing okay when they have a hard time finding something. They have to ask, "Am I really good at what I do?"

It's a difficult question for anyone, but especially tough to stomach after we all fought our way through the shark pool of graduate study, fighting indifferent advisors or sexist professors to get out with that cherished degree. It was supposed to be better when we were done, wasn't it? Sadly, we are all finding, it's not.

The Humble Baker

I have noticed of late that people seem to accord a lot of respect to those who bother to bake their own desserts or bread. As someone who truly enjoys baking, I don't find it a chore, nor do I find it terribly difficult. If anything, to my way of thinking it is even easier than cooking, because cooking often involves more experimentation and thus chance of disaster; whereas most baking requires a relatively stringent adherence to a recipe and thus precludes much disaster.

However, people are always surprised and/or amazed when I bring a home-made dessert to our small group Bible study, or when I baked home-made breads from scratch for our St. Patrick's Day party. I pretty much steer clear of mixes for my baked goods with the occasional lazy exception, and when people hear this, it engenders even more comment. "Wow, how do you find time to do that?" "I could never make a pie crust myself." "I can't imagine being able to bake a cake from scratch...I don't know how you do it." These comments leave me sort of scratching my head, because, frankly, I don't see what is so terribly difficult about throwing ingredients into a mixer and pouring the mix into a greased pan. Yes, I can see how you burn things if you don't check it soon enough, but that's just not knowing how your oven bakes, and that comes with practice.

I have more of an understanding as to why my in-laws choose to buy all of their baked goods. The treats in Ireland would be quite laborious to make by yourself. Most biscuits require a specific flour, and many are chocolate dipped (now that is time-consuming). The preferred cakes (by which I mean individual size tartlets or sponge cakes) are usually filled with a cream filling, or a jam filling, or both, and then topped with frosting or chocolate. Ouch...you start talking about so many layers and ingredients, and that is real WORK, my friend. I have never attempted to make my own jaffa cakes (a delectable creation of a small circle of vanilla spongecake, topped with orange marmalade, and then topped with dark chocolate...*drool*). There is too much labor involved for it to be worth my time, when I can just buy Pims or Jaffa cakes from the British grocer online or even at my neighborhood grocery store. Even Christmas cake and puddings are quite time consuming to make, and even if I liked them (which I don't), I would probably opt to buy the Champagne Special Pudding by Marks & Spencer, too.

However, I truly do not see the difficulty in putting together a basic chocolate or vanilla cake, or a fruit pie. Really, is it that hard to add things in the proper order, and grease a pan? Heck, I use a canola oil spray instead of greasing the pan for my own convenience, and it works just fine.

I bring this up because I know there are many traditional treats for holidays which seem to be falling by the wayside as people stop baking in their homes. I am going to be making hot cross buns for Easter, and I might even be brave enough to make them tonight so I can have them tomorrow on Good Friday--the traditional time for hot cross buns. The symbolism of the bun is so lovely--the shape of the bun is that of the stone that was rolled away. The spices in the bun represent the spices Christ was buried with, and the fact that it is a yeast bread represents Christ's resurrection from the dead! Of course, the cross on top is for the crucifixion, and the lemon glaze in the cross shows how God turned something very sour into something oh so sweet. Even the fruit tells a story, representing the fruits of the Spirit which are His gift to believers. They also represent the fruit we are to bear in Him. What a great message for little ones, and in such a sweet package! I hope you will enjoy some hot cross buns this Easter, too, even if they aren't home-baked...but if you are feeling adventurous, give it a try! It's not that hard, I promise.

Distractions & Determination

I thought it would be easy to assemble a new routine for my new life with two children. Eventually, I reasoned, things would settle down and I could start cobbling together a pattern from the mish-mosh of activities I like (gardening) or must engage in (bill paying) on a regular basis. However, I am finding this easier said than done.

There are a multitude of distractions awaiting me at every turn. My daughter would like nothing better than to play with me exclusively all day, every day, in the process turning the house into a disaster of clothing, toys, balls, puzzle pieces, and half-eaten Easter egg chocolates. This does not bother her. It bothers me, however, and it bothers her father, and it definitely bothers her brother, who in his infantile world believes I am there to serve him and him alone.

Additionally, I do have to stay on top of dirty dishes daily, at a minimum, and at least once a week I have to conquer my disrupted day enough to wash, fold, and put away laundry. Ok, I admit, the putting away part suffers more often than not, but at the very least I have to ensure all the family members have clean clothes to wear!

I also find myself dealing with all correspondence, via email and snail mail, with all members of our families, which is quite a chore in and of itself. If I don't send pictures of the kids often enough, you can be sure I will hear about it on the phone. (As an aside, I am very tempted to tell them to check our website, AGAIN, except they never do and still complain about the lack of pictures.) And heaven forbid I should forget anyone's birthday, or not send a thank you card in a prompt enough manner! I got a 'disapproving tone' from my mom on the phone last week for my failure to send a prompt enough thank you card for a gift I received from my uncle & aunt 3 weeks prior. I came close to saying, "Give me a friggin' break, I have a two month old and a two year old!" but I resisted the temptation. Instead I assured my mom that the thank you note (which I had already written, but hadn't mailed because I couldn't find their address in the disrupted correspondence) would be mailed that week, and I did so. I did instantly jump on some upcoming birthdays and wrote & sent all relevant presents and cards, so at least that bought me a few weeks' grace until my anniversary in May.

So, I have a lot of things that demand my attention. I was discussing this recently with DH, and said I felt like I was being lost in the sea of positions I occupy: Chief Playmate, Chief Chaffeur, Errand Runner Extraordinaire, Milk Cow to His Highness the Prince, Head Housekeeper, Senior Gardener and Landscape Designer...the list is endless! I did tell him that sometimes it even felt like I could add "Luscious Lover" to the list, just another in a litany of chores! And that, my friends, is sad. Whatever about nursing and progesterone levels, sex should not be a chore!

However, I am Determined to Do Those Things That Are Important to Me. By these I mean, finding time for Bible Study--if not daily, at least every other day or thereabouts. I have started back with my women's Bible study group, and it really does put everything in perspective and help me not to run shrieking from my house on those days when I am going from one crying child back to the other crying child. I also include Gardening, a.k.a. That Which Mommy Is Allowed to Spend Money and Time On Each Fall and Spring. And, Reading, or, My Brain is Tired and I Want to Read Someone Else's Creative Thoughts. These are the things that remind me who ME is, and thus, they are accorded a place and priority amidst the distractions and clutter of my daily life. Yes, it is good to remember me, and who I am becoming through Christ. Hooray!