Strange Headspace

Have you ever read Bill Bryson's "Hello, I'm a Stranger Here Myself"? In it he describes the peculiar experience of coming 'home' to America after living in another country for twenty odd years. I think that is sort of how I am feeling lately. I am being forced to view my life through some different lenses and filters, and it has made me a bit contemplative. I am sure my husband has gotten tired of being asked the same old saw several times a day (or so it feels), but I think there are some big changes coming our way and I want to be prepared, to feel like I know what's around the bend.

Our neighbor and good friend died last week. This was not an expected event, the culmination of a lengthy illness or perpetually delicate health. No, he was extremely fit and healthy, a mountain climber and jolly joker and humble servant of Christ, who called him home at the age of 53. And I haven't doubted that God rewarded his good and faithful servant in bringing him home now, and I haven't asked why, as I know so many of his family members and friends are doing even now. Instead, I have considered why all who knew him, found him worthy of the phrase, "a righteous man", and I compared my own life to his. Unsurprisingly, I found my own lacking.

This process of sanctification by Jesus Christ is a long one and He is not one to rush. If you've ever felt the breathless thrill of waiting for a perfect sunrise over a pristinely beautiful canyon or been surprised suddenly by the awe of a watercolor sunset, then you know that God does perfection, well, perfectly. And I have no doubt that Tim went home to the Lord at the perfect time. But I would be foolish to ignore the lessons God gave all who knew him in his passing. I see many places where my laziness, my lack of self-discipline, my craven selfishness have led me to make different choices than the choices my neighbor would have made. And this makes me sad. It makes me repent of that sinfulness, those wrong choices, all the more grievously. And to pray fervently that God will correct those sinful ways in me, before my children inherit the sins of their mother and face the same painful corrections in their own lives.

So this has me a bit melancholy. I think it's a good thing to take stock and be honest. At the same time, I want to not lose the bigger picture in all the vexatious, squirmy problems and sins that my husband and I can't quite seem to squash. God has blessed the socks off us! He has given us MORE than enough money to pay our bills, MORE than enough space to raise our children, MORE than enough house to shelter us, MORE than enough clothes to clothe & shoe us, MORE than enough food to eat, and an amazing overabundance of family and friends to support and love us. I cannot blog enough about the GRATITUDE I have for a God who would and does bless us so mightily when we are so wormy and insignificant and WHINY. Oh my, we are probably ten times as whiny as our children, and that is beyond ---HERE--- some days, so God is exceedingly patient above all I could ask or do myself.

If today's memorial service and the events of this past week have taught me something, it is that I need to be honest, but that I also need to rest in the Lord's promise that He will not abandon me, that He WILL finish the process He has started in me. You see, all of our struggles with those squirmy, wormy sins shows as nothing else could do, that I cannot do it alone. It is just not possible for me in my own strength to develop strong self-discipline. It is not possible for me in my own strength to demonstrate enough patience to my children to grow them into healthy, communicative adults. It is not possible for me to be all that I should be as a wife to my husband. It is not possible for me to be to myself all that I need. I NEED CHRIST. I NEED HIM, like I need the air I breathe, the food I eat, the water I drink. I cannot sustain life without Him. And if that is the everlasting lesson that has made its way into my heart from a righteous man's death, oh what a blessing God has given me. Thank you Lord, for doing no wrong. What a perspective He gives.

One Week In

So here we are, about a week into the whole "husband on crutches" thing. I'm not liking it, folks. I knew it wasn't going to be pretty, oh no, it was going to be pretty ugly. But here we are and already I'm feeling "AAACK!!" and "Bleeeeeeeech" and *gronk* and "Feh, stupid (blank)! ". And we are not even a whole week into it, people! (granted yes it is a week tomorrow but STILL!)

Life is pretty busy around here on a normal basis. It takes both my husband and I running full-steam ahead just to keep up with our preschoolers & baby. Add in the wild and crazy excitement of a dog, parrot, two jobs, a one acre property, and you have a recipe for BUSY! if there ever was one. When one of us gets sick, the other person just has to cope for a few days until the other one is back on their feet. Shortcuts get taken to make life flow smoother for everyone.

The problem with this particular situation is that we just cannot run on shortcuts for six weeks. It is just not going to fly. And in that six weeks, we have one school term ending (lots of grading and work for me), and a new one beginning for two of our children. I have put off stuff where possible to keep juggling this past week, to keep my DH off his feet as much as possible, to get him stuff when he needed it, to really pay close attention to him for the first few days after surgery when he wasn't allowed to have his foot higher than his heart. And let me just say, I don't know why anyone would WANT to take those narcotics! My husband had enough of the looped up, drugged out feeling after three days, and even at that stage he experienced some withdrawal symptoms. Whoaaaaaaa, that is NOT cool, friends. Just stay the hell away from drugs, and thankfully my husband would much prefer the discomfort/pain dulled down with plain old Tylenol than to be spaced out.

However, this has resulted in a somewhat irritable and cranky husband, and in turn it has resulted in irritable and cranky children, and an irritable and cranky wife. Have you ever noticed how children absorb your mood and just feed off of it, reflecting all the worst bits back at you at twenty-times magnification? So you can imagine what joy has reigned in our house. And well, they just don't understand that this is sort of a long haul type of process here. They see Dad up and about, albeit with those cool sticks, and they think he's all ready for their usual fun and games. And sometimes, he is, so they go about their merry business until one of them pushes it too far, someone is crying, and both are called onto the carpet and roll down that naughtiness hill until everyone is just fed up with each other and the whole day!

Well, that is my pity party for the day. It is not going to be easy to keep this family going for the next five weeks. However, talk about a massive and timely dose of perspective...just got word that a good friend and neighbor suffered a massive cardiac arrest, and is basically in a medically induced coma. Good Lord, be with our wonderful neighbors, and restore this righteous man to health. All my whingeing seems so utterly pointless now, but if You could help all in this family to put forth a bit more effort and goodwill, we would all be so very grateful. Amen.