Baking By Design

Well I set myself up for a busy Saturday this week because I signed up to bring church snack tomorrow. Our church is kind of small and the ladies take turns baking or bringing stuff for people to munch on after the service on Sunday, and I hadn't done it in quite a while so I figured I was due for a turn.

What this inevitably means is that my Friday (if I'm able to do so) and my Saturday are an orgy of baking and preparation for this event. Our church may be small, but we still have over 200 people each Sunday, so it's a bit of work to get together a "snack" for everyone. Ironically it is perceived as a source of pride, and ladies who are known "bakers" will pull out all the stops for their turn, doing elaborate or fussy cookies and cakes. One lady likes to make lollipops and hand tie curly ribbon to each one, wrapped in cellophane! I mean some of them really go nuts, making sure their stuff looks bakery-made with royal icing decorations, and some ladies even like to dress the snack table. On Easter Sunday we had an elaborate diorama with Easter eggs & Easter bunnies! Very Christ-centered, haha! (that was my tongue firmly in cheek...it did look very cute but would not be my style)

But seriously, I have garnered something of a reputation in our church as a "baker". Perhaps this is because my husband and actually have *parties* and host dinners and invite folks over on a regular basis, and we do most of our cooking and baking from scratch. Never mind the fact that this is due to my inability to deal with MSG and several food additives, it means that we have a reputation here.

What this means is that if I sign up for snack, people expect that I will go all-out, baking extravaganza style, and bring a host of amazing baked goods for folks to snaffle up and the ladies to ask for my recipe and complain in the future that their attempts "never turn out as good/light/fluffy as yours". *blink*

I really do not understand this. I do not do anything special with my baked goods. I have had one woman repeatedly tell me her cinnamon rolls aren't like mine, ask what flour I use (whatever is on sale or I have to hand) and how long I knead the dough. I mean, I don't make an art of this people! This is an example of how my baking extravaganzas usually break down:

(Me in the kitchen, adding stuff to the mixer)

Kid: Oh, what are you making Mommy?

Me: Cookies/cinnamon rolls/cake

Kid: Oooooooo, can I help? Can I-can I-can I-pretty please???

Me: *grumble* Yeah pull up the chair

(Kid tries to put finger in the bowl)

Me: Stop that!

(Kid tries to sample ingredient)

Me: Stop that! Here, put this in for me.

Kid: Ok! *beam*

2nd kid wanders in: What are you making?

(1st kid rubs the 2nd kid's nose in the fact that THEY have the coveted helper spot. I break up the fight/argument. 2nd kid fetches stool to help as well)

Me: 1st kid, you add this. 2nd kid, you mix it in.

2nd kid: Can I crack the egg, please??

Me: No.

2nd kid: I'll be really careful, please!!

(Clean up mess from egg breaking while mixer runs along)

1st kid: Can I lick the beater?

Me: No.

2nd kid: can I lick the spoon?

Me: No.

1st kid: Can I help fill the cups/drop the cookies?

Me: No. Get out!
(By this point the batter has been creamed practically beyond recognition)

2nd kid: Mom, you forgot to put in the chocolate chips!

(Add the chocolate chips, grumbling)

1st & 2nd kids swoop in and steal large handful of chocolate chips.

Me: GET OUT NOW!! (waving spoon like a madwoman)

3rd kid: Mama!! UP!

Yeah, that is pretty much how it goes. So if my cinnamon roll dough is beaten to a pulp, I don't know how long I've had it on! My kids have been driving me nuts over here! There is no "secret" that I've squirreled away in my brain that makes my stuff so good to the eaters of church snack. I can't figure it out, frankly. I just throw stuff together, subbing for ingredients with whatever I have on hand. Not enough flour? Oh look, I have some oats! Just whiz in the food processor and the problem is solved. I admit to my share of food snobbery when it comes to cake mixes and such. The real source of that is I am too cheap to pay for a combination of dry ingredients that will take me 20 seconds to duplicate by making it from "scratch".

One time I took a pass on my turn and bought a bunch of stuff from Costco. People were actually disappointed. I had not realized this, but folks check the snack list to see who is bringing what each week. The fact that I showed up with STORE BOUGHT BAKED GOODS was a travesty to some! So I realized that a little realistic expectation setting was called for, and I've been dribbling in the occasional store-bought item on my turn. I am just too busy to allow for a baking extravaganza each time I do snack. I have also signed up LESS, because I am too busy to do it according to the unspoken "rules" of church snack. Tomorrow I will round out my baked goods (not lovingly, painstaking decorated with icing or in any way 'prettified') with some store bought, pre-cut fruit. Oh, the horror! Well, it's just how I roll these days.

Now if you will excuse me, I have to go get a batch of cinnamon roll dough started while my husband has mercifully taken all the urchins out of the house.

Parenting Cheaply

A friend posted a BBC article to their Facebook page recently. It was from the BBC, touting the increased pressures of child-rearing these days, and estimated the cost for raising a child to be more than £210,000! In the article they talk about how everything is about fashion and design in baby gear, how you can spend £1200 on a stroller, and that everything needs to be coordinated in the nursery. People are spending more on their kids' clothes than I spend on mine (which admittedly is not much, but still folks, your kid does not need designer baby clothes).

Then on the radio I hear parents talking about how busy they are, taking their son to baseball practice, daughter to violin lessons, both of them to karate lessons, plus piano lessons, plus language lessons. Really, this is important for a six year old? An eight year old?

I tell you what, I must be a miserable parent, because I buy my kids clothes on clearance and sometimes the thrift store, and I don't care what brand it is as long as it fits. I don't take my kids to ANY lessons. They go to and from school, and they play outside when the weather is nice and they play inside when it's not nice. They don't have Gameboys or DS's, or iPods. They don't know how to use the Wii other than to do Wii bowling about every two months or so. They don't really want to learn how to play the Wii, to be honest. Is that because my husband and I don't play it that much either? Possibly. My kindergartener can navigate around a bit on the old desktop, where she is allowed to go to two websites to play games. She does this about...well, I can't remember when she did it last.

I tell you what my kids do. They fold their own laundry (except for the baby). They earn quarters for doing extra chores, and they are expected to keep their rooms navigable and to bus their own table, so to speak. They help put away the dishes. They match socks. They even (occasionally) help pull weeds outside. They play with each other, all sorts of crazy imaginative games. They ride their bikes (very popular this year). They draw with chalk, they do their own crafts, they play with the harps or drums or keyboard, they make up silly songs, they dance around to the radio. They play with worms outside, dig in the dirt, plant flower seeds and veggies, and eat strawberries straight from the plants when they are in season. Pretty terrible life, huh?

I just look at all these kids with schedules so complicated their parents need to use their Blackberry to keep track of them, and I wonder--what the heck are those kids going to remember about their childhood? I know it's a novel thought, but what about just letting kids be kids? Yes, it is more work for parents, because somebody else isn't supervising them, they have to learn to get along with each other, and they have to be creative about how to entertain themselves or play by themselves. They have to learn to judge what is a good idea and what is a bad idea when it comes to entertaining themselves (drenching Mom with a hose while she gardens? Bad! Stacking rocks & building a rock fort? Good!) I don't think my kids are going to be deprived in high school for not doing dance, band, every sport imaginable, and music lessons from the age of four. Somehow I managed just fine and turned out to be successful, and I'm pretty sure my kids can too. So why spend the money and deal with the stress, and stress out your kids? I just don't get it!

The Ado-Man

My husband and I have noticed a disturbing pattern among some of our married friends--the ado-man (short for adolescent man). Usually this man is in his late twenties to early forties, and surprisingly he has not really settled down into any stable job or career field. Instead he has flitted from job to job, often because he is "bored" with what he was doing, or it wasn't challenging enough, or it just didn't suit his temperament, etc. Most of the time, these men are also married with young children, and tend to be quite traditional in their marriages and childrearing preferences--i.e. they prefer that their wives stay home with their children, they are the "boss" of the household.

What is really disturbing to us is that these men seem incapable of providing any sort of sustainable support for their families, but they can't seem to connect the dots to their own decisions. Losing a job is "bad luck" and not due to the fact they were bored with work and stopped giving their best. The fact their wives have to scrimp, save, buy the scratch & dent cans and shop at Goodwill for their kids' clothes (NTTAWT) doesn't register when they go out and blow $500 on a Bose surround sound system because "Hey, I haven't treated myself to anything for a while and sometimes you just gotta do it, you know?" These same guys will buy themselves a new truck every two years because they feel like it (while their wife's car, the chief family transport, is held together with baling wire), have poker night with their buddies at their house even when their ten month old is teething and dealing with a miserable ear infection, and then they don't understand why their wives get so hopping mad that they are making a lot of noise and staying up until past midnight.

DH and I have encountered repeated species of these males and frankly we are just baffled. Just when do we hit the "Grow Up!" button for the American male of the species? What is wrong with our society that we give a pass to these guys hanging on to the good old days of teendom, when they have adult commitments, relationships, and very real fiscal needs? I get the traditional marriage, but frankly if you aren't providing LEADERSHIP to your family, then you aren't cut out for the male role in a traditional marriage! If you aren't leading by example, showing your kids that yes, sometimes your job is NOT your passion, but that's okay because you need to feed, clothe, and house your family, what kind of message does that send to them? What does it say to your wife when you SAY you support her, but every action is a sabotage to your financial stability and a demonstration of your lack of respect for her wants and needs?

Now that's not to say that the wives in these cases aren't responsible too. I would probably have quite a strong argument with my husband if he weren't pulling his weight in our marriage or family. And I have to say that some of these women are not communicating with their husbands. They complain to their friends but don't actually talk to their husbands about what has them so hopping mad a lot of the time. Is it any wonder we see the rate of divorce we see in the Christian church? Yeah, all of these examples are in CHRISTIAN households.

I just really mourn the lack of good, strong male role models. In an age where marriage is increasingly irrelevant, the whole idea of "service" to your marriage and family is fast falling out of favor. One need only look at the single parent phenomenon in African American households to see how ugly this gets when the dad is allowed a complete pass on responsibility. What is even more frightening is that moms are getting in on the act now, too. It seems increasingly common for moms to be committed in early childhood years, then to get tired of solely shouldering the responsibilities for childraising and leave their teens to go solo (figuratively speaking). Sometimes this takes the form of highly structured schedules, which has the added bonus of making Mom feel like a good parent, because John and Judy are in band, cheer, every sport imaginable, Mandarin, and a host of other "college ready" extracurriculars. Of course John & Judy are so busy you never get to talk to them, and they never get a break, but that's just preparing them for the "real world". Or you just stop listening to your kids, don't make an effort to understand them any more. Hey, it's just because they're teenagers, right? Eventually they will sort it all out and move out for college--the hard part is done. Yeah, because we all know how well that absentminded parenting works for teenagers.

I think we need to be honest with ourselves. Marriages take work. Families require solid commitments. That means sometimes (a lot of the time) you are working at a job that, at its best, drives you crazy sometimes. But you do what you need to do to put food on the table. If you want to "find yourself", "follow your passion", or "find the job you love", you wait to do it when you aren't putting your marriage and family under tremendous strain in the process. If that means drastically changing your lifestyle with everyone's agreement, so that you can afford to start your business or chase your dream, great! But if that is not possible, you need to be mature enough to recognize it and postpone it until you aren't putting other people's lives and well-being at risk. I realize that flies in the face of our hedonistic society, but you really AREN'T priority #1 when you have kids and a marriage. I'm not saying you don't need to take care of yourself, but you can't take care of yourself to the exclusion and detriment of all others. And you need to be involved in parenting your kids, period. Your wife is not the exclusive caregiver if the kids are under X years of age. You ARE responsible for the messages your behavior sends to them. You DO have to sacrifice some of your personal pleasures. It's called being a grown-up--how about trying it sometime, Mr. Ado-male?

Useful Posts

Well I have had several times when I have been tempted to blog in the past two months, but something (LIFE) has always gotten in the way. I do want you to know that I haven't forgotten about my blog, if all two readers are still left! It's just that my life is insanely busy as you know, and well it's been super crazy lately with work, school schedules, hubby's job commitments, and trying to muck out the pigsty that has been masquerading as our house.

My children are growing like weeds and getting into EVERYTHING, which is another reason I am not here blogging (even though I was not a frequent blogger anyway). My sixteen month old will come up when I'm on my laptop and attempt to wrench my screen down and the computer away from me. Oh wretched beast, that's MY spot in Mommy's lap! Go away you black-tailed devil! You can see the wheels turning in her head. Clearly she will not tolerate being displaced by The Machine.

Crazy will reach Insanity starting January, because I will be working part-time teaching at TWO colleges. Yea and verily, I am Crazy Woman, hear me scream by about mid-February when I am about to pull my hair out and have six weeks to go in the quarter. It's quite an interesting time on the old workfront, seeing as my state is experiencing Ye Olde Budget Crunch and it's not clear that the local college is planning to replace one of my full-time colleagues when he retires at the end of this year. This puts a crimp in Ye Olde Family Debt Repayment, as to get real traction I need to get a full-time gig again pretty soon. Treading water is fine and all, but at some point ya gotta swim for shore, KWIM? So if they *don't* replace him, then I am going to be looking at going back to full-time lab work, or finding a better teaching gig further afield. *sigh* I am just praying and trusting that God has a great plan and eventually He will let me in on it, too.

So that is the scoop. If I can muster up some extra energy (HAHAHAHAAHAHAHA!! Extra energy, ROFLMAO...yea, good one!) I will try to blog as inspiration strikes. Don't blame me if I start going on about the wonders of various protein models, however...professor brain strikes at odd times. Wish me luck!

Portland on a Monday

For the sake of our sanity, my husband and I took the family on a little weekend getaway this past weekend to make up for the crappy summer we just endured with his tendon rupture, surgery, recovery, etc. We toodled down the coast to Oregon, where we spent a happy two days running around Cannon Beach and reminiscing about all the geeky glory of "The Goonies" (filmed in Cannon Beach) and keeping our eyes peeled for a Spanish doubloon, tossed ashore from the tremendous storm that pummeled our self-catering accommodation the previous evening. (As an aside, it appears that the script writers could have been inspired by a local legend, as a Spanish galleon did sink off the coast there several hundred years ago, "laden with gold" and it has never been found...dum dum dum!)

However, the weather was not entirely conducive to happy ramblings by the sea (see aforementioned "storm"), and we decided to relocate to Portland for our final weekend evening, and enjoy some of the sights that it has to offer. If God had ever had a clearer way of saying, "MISTAKE!", I don't know what it was, but for sure the hour it took us to navigate our way through downtown Portland's morass of one-way streets was a blinking hint. For starters, parts of the city had been closed for the Portland Marathon--oh joy. Fortuitously, this was wrapping up when we arrived, so most streets were reopened. However, not the streets near our hotel (of course), so we had to inch along with everyone else in the single lane allocated to the plebeian motorists. You see, Portland has a snazzy electric tram/train line, and it has its own lane and separate signals (oblique white and yellow rectangles surreptitiously placed on the right at every intersection). This is frustrating for tourists, as you see no one moving and no hint of a reason why, except suddenly a tram whooshes by and you finally figure out after the fourth signal that, oh, over there, those rectangle lights must mean a tram is coming. Helpful, Portland people, oh so helpful.

Then, of course the middle lane is allocated exclusively to buses, and there were a steady number of them bustling about. However, and I hate to be unkind, a large part of the time these lanes, too, were sitting empty, while the poor motorists were all inching along. While I recognize the value of encouraging public transport, I have to ask myself if it's really worth alienating all visitors to your fair city by punishing the car patrons so vindictively? Because alongside these lanes are road markings not covered in any non-Oregon DMV class. We had a double white line separating the bus lane from the car lane, with nary a clue or hint offered to visitors as to what that meant. We just sort of figured out that it meant cars go over here, to the left of the double white line, but then we saw cars cutting into the bus lane to turn left or right and didn't know if that was okay? You see, that is the problem with going outside of the standard playbook for road markings, you leave non-natives scratching their heads and saying, "What the hell does this mean? Can I turn or can I not?" And consequently I am sure that we pissed off our fair share of Oregonians by not turning when we probably could have, just to be on the safe side and avoid getting a ticket.

Which brings up the one-way streets. Now we are quite familiar with Seattle, which has an ample supply of one-way streets. However, Seattle has at least stuck with the sensible route: if you have one way streets, you alternate them, and you allow for turning as required, so people only have to circumnavigate one block at most to reach their destination. Quick, logical, and fairly painless when dealing with one-way streets. Portland, however, has decided (again, for reasons which utterly escape the non-native, and quite possibly escape the natives as well) that seemingly arbitrary "No Right Turn" and "No Left Turn" signs will be placed in succession on roads, leading cars four, five, six, yea even eight blocks further on than they would wish to go. I kid you not people, we were unable to turn for eight blocks. To add insult to injury, we found ourselves forced across bridges by the turn restrictions, then hopelessly trying to turn ourselves around again and playing "Hurry up GPS and recalculate" while trying to find our hotel, and then its appointed parking lot. IT WAS SO BAD MY HUSBAND REFUSED TO MOVE THE CAR FROM THE NON-HOTEL PARKING GARAGE TO THE HOTEL GARAGE ONE BLOCK OVER. For a man committed to parking in the OFFICIAL hotel garage (as if that magically conveys some protection against thievery), that says quite a bit.

Then there was the whole quest for the Portland attractions we were interested in visiting. Columbus Day weekend, not everyone had the day off on Monday, but still, a fair number of folks and their kids are off and possibly looking to do something. We drove to the Japanese garden and got there as it closed at 4 pm on Sunday. Yes, I was a bit pissed about that. Gorgeous fall day, holiday weekend, but hey, our seasonal hours say from 1st October we close at 4, so by golly that is what we do, Indian summer or not! But this is the same irritation I have with attractions here in the Seattle area so I grumbled about it and we said we will see stuff tomorrow, and dragged ourselves hotel-ward. (As a side note I will say it is not a wheelchair friendly garden and was poorly signed as such, which outraged me on behalf of my friend who is in a wheelchair, but I digress.)

We decided after some food and laboriously picking our way back to the hotel (from the opposite direction after finding a restaurant across the river, of course) that we would go to the Oregon Museum of Science and Industry (OMSI), which has a great reputation and is supposedly great for kids, families, etc. Woohoo! And woke up the next day to find that it was closed. On a Monday. Because it's apparently always closed on Mondays, except for certain holiday weekends. But not Columbus Day weekend, because Portland schools don't take that as a holiday, don't you know? No, you didn't know that? We didn't either, and I doubt any tourists to Portland on a holiday weekend know it. And the Portland Children's Museum? Closed on Mondays. Which, quite frankly, boggles my mind. Seattle has about the same population, and by some amazing feat the Seattle Children's Museum manages to keep their doors open seven days a week. The Seattle Science Center during the winter closes on TUESDAYS...in other words, they avoid closing on days which are likely to be holidays, like Mondays or Fridays. Hmmmmmmm, Portland, I think you could learn a lesson about being tourist friendly from your city neighbor to the north!

So we could have gone to the Portland zoo, but frankly it felt like a waste of money to go to the zoo in Portland, when have two perfectly good zoos here at home. We could have gone back to the Japanese garden when it was open (or the Chinese garden for that matter), but facing the tranquility of an Asian garden with 3 refreshed, energized children first thing in the morning is quite a bit different from facing it with 3 tired, more compliant children in the brilliance of the midafternoon, before the witching hour sets in. Faced with the prospect of continually telling them not to touch things and "Stop! No!", annoying the other guests, we decided to beat feet along the one way, no turn paths toward home. We did stop and enjoy the kids' first corn maze, which was fun and the same cost as the garden would have been. Somehow it was far more satisfying to plunk $12 into the hand of the family matriarch who helped plant the corn than it would have been to give it to the garden wardens, I think. No, I don't think we'll be heading back to Portland by choice any time soon. The annoyance factor vs. payoff is just too high. Now, to search for a Spanish doubloon in Cannon Beach...well, that I think we might handle again...

Strange Headspace

Have you ever read Bill Bryson's "Hello, I'm a Stranger Here Myself"? In it he describes the peculiar experience of coming 'home' to America after living in another country for twenty odd years. I think that is sort of how I am feeling lately. I am being forced to view my life through some different lenses and filters, and it has made me a bit contemplative. I am sure my husband has gotten tired of being asked the same old saw several times a day (or so it feels), but I think there are some big changes coming our way and I want to be prepared, to feel like I know what's around the bend.

Our neighbor and good friend died last week. This was not an expected event, the culmination of a lengthy illness or perpetually delicate health. No, he was extremely fit and healthy, a mountain climber and jolly joker and humble servant of Christ, who called him home at the age of 53. And I haven't doubted that God rewarded his good and faithful servant in bringing him home now, and I haven't asked why, as I know so many of his family members and friends are doing even now. Instead, I have considered why all who knew him, found him worthy of the phrase, "a righteous man", and I compared my own life to his. Unsurprisingly, I found my own lacking.

This process of sanctification by Jesus Christ is a long one and He is not one to rush. If you've ever felt the breathless thrill of waiting for a perfect sunrise over a pristinely beautiful canyon or been surprised suddenly by the awe of a watercolor sunset, then you know that God does perfection, well, perfectly. And I have no doubt that Tim went home to the Lord at the perfect time. But I would be foolish to ignore the lessons God gave all who knew him in his passing. I see many places where my laziness, my lack of self-discipline, my craven selfishness have led me to make different choices than the choices my neighbor would have made. And this makes me sad. It makes me repent of that sinfulness, those wrong choices, all the more grievously. And to pray fervently that God will correct those sinful ways in me, before my children inherit the sins of their mother and face the same painful corrections in their own lives.

So this has me a bit melancholy. I think it's a good thing to take stock and be honest. At the same time, I want to not lose the bigger picture in all the vexatious, squirmy problems and sins that my husband and I can't quite seem to squash. God has blessed the socks off us! He has given us MORE than enough money to pay our bills, MORE than enough space to raise our children, MORE than enough house to shelter us, MORE than enough clothes to clothe & shoe us, MORE than enough food to eat, and an amazing overabundance of family and friends to support and love us. I cannot blog enough about the GRATITUDE I have for a God who would and does bless us so mightily when we are so wormy and insignificant and WHINY. Oh my, we are probably ten times as whiny as our children, and that is beyond ---HERE--- some days, so God is exceedingly patient above all I could ask or do myself.

If today's memorial service and the events of this past week have taught me something, it is that I need to be honest, but that I also need to rest in the Lord's promise that He will not abandon me, that He WILL finish the process He has started in me. You see, all of our struggles with those squirmy, wormy sins shows as nothing else could do, that I cannot do it alone. It is just not possible for me in my own strength to develop strong self-discipline. It is not possible for me in my own strength to demonstrate enough patience to my children to grow them into healthy, communicative adults. It is not possible for me to be all that I should be as a wife to my husband. It is not possible for me to be to myself all that I need. I NEED CHRIST. I NEED HIM, like I need the air I breathe, the food I eat, the water I drink. I cannot sustain life without Him. And if that is the everlasting lesson that has made its way into my heart from a righteous man's death, oh what a blessing God has given me. Thank you Lord, for doing no wrong. What a perspective He gives.

One Week In

So here we are, about a week into the whole "husband on crutches" thing. I'm not liking it, folks. I knew it wasn't going to be pretty, oh no, it was going to be pretty ugly. But here we are and already I'm feeling "AAACK!!" and "Bleeeeeeeech" and *gronk* and "Feh, stupid (blank)! ". And we are not even a whole week into it, people! (granted yes it is a week tomorrow but STILL!)

Life is pretty busy around here on a normal basis. It takes both my husband and I running full-steam ahead just to keep up with our preschoolers & baby. Add in the wild and crazy excitement of a dog, parrot, two jobs, a one acre property, and you have a recipe for BUSY! if there ever was one. When one of us gets sick, the other person just has to cope for a few days until the other one is back on their feet. Shortcuts get taken to make life flow smoother for everyone.

The problem with this particular situation is that we just cannot run on shortcuts for six weeks. It is just not going to fly. And in that six weeks, we have one school term ending (lots of grading and work for me), and a new one beginning for two of our children. I have put off stuff where possible to keep juggling this past week, to keep my DH off his feet as much as possible, to get him stuff when he needed it, to really pay close attention to him for the first few days after surgery when he wasn't allowed to have his foot higher than his heart. And let me just say, I don't know why anyone would WANT to take those narcotics! My husband had enough of the looped up, drugged out feeling after three days, and even at that stage he experienced some withdrawal symptoms. Whoaaaaaaa, that is NOT cool, friends. Just stay the hell away from drugs, and thankfully my husband would much prefer the discomfort/pain dulled down with plain old Tylenol than to be spaced out.

However, this has resulted in a somewhat irritable and cranky husband, and in turn it has resulted in irritable and cranky children, and an irritable and cranky wife. Have you ever noticed how children absorb your mood and just feed off of it, reflecting all the worst bits back at you at twenty-times magnification? So you can imagine what joy has reigned in our house. And well, they just don't understand that this is sort of a long haul type of process here. They see Dad up and about, albeit with those cool sticks, and they think he's all ready for their usual fun and games. And sometimes, he is, so they go about their merry business until one of them pushes it too far, someone is crying, and both are called onto the carpet and roll down that naughtiness hill until everyone is just fed up with each other and the whole day!

Well, that is my pity party for the day. It is not going to be easy to keep this family going for the next five weeks. However, talk about a massive and timely dose of perspective...just got word that a good friend and neighbor suffered a massive cardiac arrest, and is basically in a medically induced coma. Good Lord, be with our wonderful neighbors, and restore this righteous man to health. All my whingeing seems so utterly pointless now, but if You could help all in this family to put forth a bit more effort and goodwill, we would all be so very grateful. Amen.

The Summer Snafu

So, I've been busier than expected this summer. Not in a, "Wow, look at how many summer projects I've gotten done!" kind of way, but in a phone call from the dean, "Can you PLEASE teach an emergency class section this summer prettyprettyplease?" Yeah, extra money! Woohoo! I have been quite happy to receive it, and it's paid for some expected (insurance premiums) and unexpected expenses this summer (plumbing issues, dog vet bills). But you know those summer projects? They weren't exactly fun and games. We have another wall that needs to be rebuilt on our shed (which houses our well pump), and it needs to be done before the cold weather. Our fence for the backyard needs to be completed so our dog will not wander off for a jaunt around the neighborhood when our son lets her out and doesn't tell us. And the kids' playsets need to be moved/torn down. One old metal playset is probably at the end of its useful life, and I want it to be removed. The other wood playset is in a low point of the yard and ended up in standing water for several months last winter. Suffice it to say, I don't want to encourage wood rot and we need to move it to a better spot before winter sets in (with the rain and standing water).

I don't know what we are going to do about the rotting fascia boards. Our house has the craziest gutter system I have ever seen, in that, it doesn't really have gutters. Yeah, this is not such a good plan in the Pacific Northwest? Instead, there is some kind of membrane running down the roofing, sort of looped up and attached (via glue, presumably) to the top of the fascia boards. The downspouts are attached to holes cut through the actual roofing plywood, and those don't look that hot--I suspect that whoever did this kludgy work didn't properly waterseal the connections, or it has failed in time due to the poor design. So what do we have? Rotting fascia boards due to constant water exposure (I had some MUSHROOMS growing on one fascia board last winter, I kid you not). Plus "gutters" that require constant cleaning of the copious amounts of tree spurge dropping on the roof and washing down in order to get the water down through the downspouts where it belongs. And we have a kludged roof over our deck, attached again with funky flashing and membrane/tar (not clear what sort of combination it is), directly over the fascia board--so the question with the rotting board is, will it affect the structural integrity of the deck roof to pull it off and replace it? Like that is the last thing we need to be worrying about, if we attempt repair ourselves--will I pull this roof down on my head? Yeah, good times.

I had thought that maybe we could brace the deck roof temporarily, yank the fascia board, cut back the overhangs to cut off any damaged sections of the roof plywood, then attach proper gutters along everything with downspouts, etc. But then I regained my sanity and said to myself, "Self, we are the same people who cannot get a shed wall rebuilt in a timely manner, or bathroom molding cut properly without numerous (cursing) attempts...YOU ARE CRAZY to think you could do this yourselves!!" This is a home repair issue that screams THIS COULD GET CRAZY EXPENSIVE AND EXPERT-LEVEL IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE. So, probably a better plan is to save, save, save like mad things, try to minimize further damage this winter by religiously cleaning the downspouts and gutters weekly, and pray that we get enough saved to pay a professional to do this little job for us.

Anyway, I *am* finally coming up to the end of summer quarter, so in theory we *could* get the shed wall done, the fence, etc. Yeah, that was the case, until my husband injured...his big toe. Yes, this is a serious injury! My husband, while outside some damp morning about seven weeks ago in his flip flops, lost his balance and actually STOOD on his big toe. Apart from the instantaneous pain and howling, it turns out he has ruptured a very important tendon that attaches to the tip of the big toe, and keeps it straight. So now my dearest husband goes under the knife later today, so that an orthopedic surgeon who specializes in foot & ankle injuries can either a) reattach his shredded tendon (the MRI shows it is like a frayed shoelace, with a tiny bit still attached), or if it's not in good enough shape for that (it's become "fibrotic"), then he will b) detach a different tendon from the base of his big toe, and stretch it up to attach it to the top of his big toe. Yes, a single patch of moss caused all of this pain and agony. Let that be a lesson to you homeowners with moss on your sidewalks--it can be deadly! Mental note: add "rent powerwasher and powerwash all moss from sidewalks" to the summer chore list...

And guess what the recovery time is for this type of surgery? A few weeks? Naaaaaaah, that would give some hope of getting any of the NECESSARY stuff done! Nope, my husband is going to be unable to put any weight on his foot for a MONTH. Crutches and a crawling baby, what a fun combination! And, then he will have a walking cast for another month. Yippee! Followed by an orthopedic shoe and physical therapy. All for a big toe, which I already knew was very important for balance and all that, but crikey that is a long time!

So what are my chances of getting any of these important projects done, by myself, in the next eight weeks? HAHAHAHA! Yeah, I think the same. Unfortunately, I don't exactly have a big wad o' cash to plonk down to pay someone else to do them for me. So where am I? Well, apart from going bonkers trying to figure out how the hell I'm going to get this stuff done, I am poking at the dead carcass of my "extra money budget" and saying, "Well? WELL?? Come on now, I need some more!" And reminding myself that when push comes to shove, as it inevitably has, we have more than enough for our basic needs and we are thus very, very blessed compared to the rest of the world. It's just hard to have started summer with this list of stuff to do, knowing it's important, and now be staring down the eyeballs of what's left of summer and seeing it all go "poof". What should I prioritize? I don't know, I really don't. I'm thinking the shed wall, and see what else we can kludge with the help of very generous friends. But we have such a small good weather window, I would be lying if I said I wasn't very, very disappointed with the turn of events. It just goes to show that even if it's wet and rainy in the spring, you can't delay this stuff. It really does slip away faster than you think.

The Other Side

When was the last time you walked on the other side of the fence? In discussing current events with folks, and attempting to have some civil discussions about controversial topics, I come across the same issue again and again...people simply do not read/listen to a variety of sources about anything these days. I personally find that shocking. Who doesn't remember their high school teachers droning about examining the source of information, the bias we all give to our own writing and the perspective we each have about things? Clearly, a lot of people don't remember it, or they never heard it in the first place, because I consistently hear adamant opinions from people who don't bother to listen to more than one news channel, or one radio station, or read one newspaper.

I distinctly recall hearing from multiple teachers and professors about the danger of biases, and how they creep into everything you do and think. In science in particular one has to try to be aware of bias, for fear that it will bias your interpretation of your data. Thus scientists use a peer review process, where we essentially ask other well-trained scientists, "Does this make sense from this data?" And while it is true that small sections of science are small realms, and peer reviewers often know each other and can be biased from that relationship, the plus is that this means they have often been kept up to date with the data and research for several years before it's published, and thus they know better than anyone whether the author is trying to stretch the data to say something it really doesn't say.

But it's not just scientists who need to be aware of bias. Everybody needs to be aware of it, and ask questions to discern its influence. For example, I sure as heck want to know if my county commissioner is related to the concrete contractor who is bidding for the county roads job. I also want to know if a school committee member is a first cousin to the school principal that is up before the school committee to explain possible mishandling of an employee termination. Yeah, I think we need to be on the look out for bias in others, for sure.

What about our own biases? If we agree that biases can be bad, and can negatively influence our behavior and the behavior of others, why aren't we more cognizant of our own? I realize it's comfortable to stick with hearing/reading/watching news reports that agree with your own opinions. Of course we all prefer it when we are in agreement with someone, rather than arguing with them. There is nothing more annoying than watching a TV host pontificate about something about which you vehemently disagree. Nonetheless, if you don't watch or listen to those with whom you disagree, how are you ever going to appreciate where they are coming from? How do you suppose you will ever be able to carry on a decent civil discussion on topics where you disagree?

I try to be a bit cognizant of my media biases. I don't watch much TV "journalism" any more, seeing as it mostly showmanship and opinion with a 10% dose of news. However, I do read a lot of news online, and I read from a lot of different sources...BBC News, Fox News, CNN, Xinhua, Al Jazeera, The Wall Street Journal, The New York Times, The Washington Post, Associated Press, Reuters...well the list is pretty long, and I won't bore you with it, but suffice it to say that I read from a lot of news organizations, and it makes for a pretty broad picture from a lot of different angles. I also listen to a lot of different radio, when I listen to the radio. Thus when I talk to one of my in-laws, or a student, and they are raging about some particular subject and I hear "Well I heard/read on X..." and that's it, that's the sole source of their passionately held opinion...well, it's really not a very comprehensive source list, is it? And when pressed about how many different opinions they'd read, had they investigated the "other side's" view, etc, strangely the answer is always, "No," followed quickly by a defensive, "Why?" and something along the lines of "that's all snark and who would ever believe THAT" or some such pathetic excuse.

So I ask you, how often do you really look at issues from the "other side"? Be honest now, because I don't think we can honestly tell ourselves we are convinced we are right about a particular topic if we haven't really looked at what the other side has to offer. And, the beauty of it is, if you are honest and do look at the other side, and you recognize any good points, that just makes you more well-informed, doesn't it? And if you're going to strongly hold an opinion, shouldn't it be a well-informed one? Just sayin'...

The Vast Scientific Conspiracy

As with so many other subjects on which science treads boldly, I am finding it irks me greatly when ignorant individuals presume to lecture scientists on the vast conspiracy against their championed theory which they have "researched extensively". Please understand that I use the word "ignorant" in this vein (from Merriam Webster): "lacking knowledge or comprehension of the thing specified". However, it seems that having "letters after your name" makes you an instantaneous target for individuals seeking an argument about their pet scientific issue. Given that I am encountering this type of discussion more and more frequently as a professor, allow me to clarify a few things that will elicit irritation (hopefully well-concealed due to common courtesy) and instant mental dismissal:

1. Do not claim to have "extensively researched" your issue if you haven't read a large swath of the evidence produced by the opposing viewpoint. Reading from the hymnbook with the choir does not make you an expert on the unwashed heathen masses in the pews.
2. If you do not understand the guiding principles behind scientific investigation, do not pretend to understand why or why not some experiments were done well or done poorly.
3. If you do not know the difference between multiple statistical formulas and why one would be appropriate over another, do not state that you know the statistics are "flawed".
4. Do not assume that your hypothesis is correct. If you are unable or unwilling to accept that the data presented to you may give you a result that is different from the one you wanted, then don't enter the discussion.
5. If you do not have a comprehensive education to provide you with sufficient underpinnings to analyze the function of a biological system, then do not presume you know more than individuals who have studied the biological system for decades.
6. Do not assume that just because someone has received an advanced degree, they are part of the "system" and will not ever listen to what you say.
7. DO consider your sources. Citations from peer-reviewed journals of high repute will advance your cause greatly, because the peer review process (while flawed) does provide a significant countermeasure to someone publishing whatever they threw together. Citations from a highly subject-specific society's own journal are less likely to aid you, and might make you look ignorant (depending on the source).
8. Please remember that scientists make their careers by receiving grant money on hot subjects. If your personal scientific topic involves a hot subject, you can bet there are plenty of studies being done on it, because scientists who discover something new have discovered a career-making source of fame & steady grant money. If there is nothing new being discovered, i.e. running against the dominant paradigm/theory, see #4.
9. Do not use vituperative or emotive language in your discussion. It merely demeans your argument. Ugly or demeaning language closes minds, it doesn't open them.
10. Respect the other person's opinion, as they will hopefully respect yours.
11. Realize that data interpretation is just that, interpretation. If you have the raw data and can prove a different conclusion, great! Publish it! Otherwise, perhaps it is wise to remember that the authors of scientific papers are the world's leading experts on their own data, and respect that and subsequently their opinions of that data.
12. If you are really convinced that there is a vast conspiracy on your topic of scientific interest, may I suggest you go become a scientist yourself and prove them wrong? Don't hold it against me (or any other scientist for that matter), however, if along the way you suddenly reverse your opinion in the course of your education.

Ugh. I really must stop offering to be a strawman for folks with agendas. It's quite depressing.

Illegal Immigration

Look, I am not going to bore you with personal tales about dealing with legal immigration in the U.S. I'm just going to say flat out that I do not have sympathy for illegal immigrants. Period. I know what my family has personally gone through to do things the LEGAL WAY, and it cost us a lot of money, both in actual Ouch check-writing moments, as well as in many hours spent poring over documentation, standing in line at the INS office, going to the immigration attorney's office, etc.

The fact is, if my family member had to go through the process of becoming a legal permanent resident alien (aka green card holder) again today, it would cost us $3500+ in fees alone from start to finish (not including immigration attorney costs, or duplicating costs for paperwork, or doctor's fees for shots or photo fees, etc).

An illegal immigrant pays none of that, unless of course s/he was in the country before 1986. Then s/he can pay $1400+ and become a permanent resident alien. If the illegal immigrant entered the country after 1986, it becomes far more complicated, expensive, and fraught to gain legal residency (and it's not necessarily possible). If said illegal immigrant has American children, they could possibly petition for residency on the basis of those children.

Anyhow, I am going into the big, tall weeds of the U.S. government's rules & regulations, and I don't want to do that. I just want to point out that just because someone has a good *reason* for doing something (like entering this country illegally), does not make it *right* for them to do so, morally or legally. And said person should be prepared to pay the consequences for that wrong action, whenever the bill (as it were) may come due. It really doesn't matter if that person has spent years being a good productive citizen since that wrong action. It doesn't matter if they have bought a house, been a community volunteer, paid their bills on time, not gotten into trouble with the law, raised decent upstanding kids. That person is still accountable for breaking the law.

It reminds me of those news stories you hear about with some grandma who was part of some crazy '70s heist or crime, and who went underground and remained hidden for three decades. She got married, had kids & grandkids, was a model citizen. And then the proverbial knock at the door, and she is arrested for that criminal action she did three decades before. I don't hear people saying, "Oh, she's been good since then...they should just let her go." The prevailing conversation you hear is, "Well, she knew she did wrong," or "She did something wrong and she still needs to pay her debt to society." Likewise Roman Polansky doesn't get a pass on his crime of decades ago--the feds still want to see him in court just as much now as they ever did.

So I want to ask you, how is it any different if someone entered this country illegally? They committed a crime. It doesn't matter how long ago they did so. In the intervening years they have benefited from this country's opportunities and infrastructure. Maybe they helped pay for it through taxes (even payroll taxes, if they used a fraudulent Social Security number...another crime, btw), or maybe they didn't. But the fact remains that they broke our laws to get here, they benefited from opportunities that arguably could otherwise have been open to American citizens or legal immigrants. Shouldn't they have to pay for that crime? At a minimum, if they are caught, shouldn't they be forced to return to their home country? How is it okay to send a grandma back to jail, with hope of parole in 2-3 years with good behavior, for a bank robbery committed thirty years ago, but it's not okay to at a minimum send people home who came here illegally thirty years ago (ok, 23 years ago, given the '86 amnesty)? I don't understand the logic.

I don't want to hear a bunch of B.S. about "well Americans didn't want those jobs". How do we know that? If those illegal immigrants weren't here, if the borders were enforced and people who still managed to sneak in were sent home as soon as they were found, I bet any deficiencies in the work force that would require more legal immigration would be remedied pretty quickly. But at the end of the day, we cannot allow folks to flaunt our laws. Where does it end? It's okay with immigration, but not okay for bank robbery suspects...oh and murderers, or identity thieves...unless they were using a Social Security number to be here on payrolls as illegals, then that's okay? You see the problem? How do you differentiate? And folks, we can't take them all. We just don't have the resources. Ask the folks in Arizona how expensive it is to offer services to folks who don't pay for them with taxes (hello AZ immigration law!). You see why people are demanding the federal government enforce its own laws regarding immigration?

And frankly, as someone who jumped through all the expensive, tedious, and maddening hoops with legal immigration, I'm tired of hearing about how the illegal immigrants "deserve" a break. I don't get a free pass from breaking the law, any law--and neither should anybody else. The End.

The Default Option

I've noticed some things lately in trying to clean up our messy, disorganized house (both financial and literal). Chiefly, I have noticed that our default option in our family is to put off dealing with "it" 'til later. Of course, "Later" is purely an abstract concept, some hazy definition of a time in the future (possibly distant future) at which we will muster up the gumption to deal with "it" in the appropriate fashion. "It" can be anything ranging from putting away purchases from Target or Walmart, to organizing our check register and balancing our budget, or actually enacting a budget in such a way that we are dragged kicking and screaming with bloody knuckles forced to live by the actual set budget (and by this I mean a really ugly, pure cash only system where debit cards are housed other than in our wallets).

You know, "Later" has a nasty habit of never coming around in our family, and I'll bet it's the same in yours too. What made me realize this is the shocking realization that our eldest child is mimicking our habits perfectly. Yes, it tickles the cockles of my heart when she imitates one of our good habits, but it never occurred to me until this week that she is perfectly imitating our bad habits as well. I tell her to pick up something or do something while she is playing her Didj, and I have to tell her five times before she does it. Yet when I tell my husband to do something, does he do it right away, or does he sit at his computer for another five, ten, twenty minutes before he does it? And when my husband tells me that dinner is ready, do I stop putzing on the computer or doing whatever little chore right then and come to the table, or do I continue putzing or doing for five, ten, or even fifteen minutes? I think you can probably guess which one happens. And it is so irritating for that to happen when it's my daughter doing it to me, but somehow the pieces didn't click that this is exactly what my husband and I do to each other all the time...and she's imitating us!

My daughter's room has become a point of contention for us lately too. Her floor has literally been so covered with toys, clothes, shoes, and STUFF that it is a fire hazard. We have told her, how would the firefighters get to you if you had a fire? And she's five--this means nothing, really. And I have been forcing her to pick up her stuff, so we don't nearly fall and break our necks on everything jumbled all over. And yet, I go into my laundry room, and what do I do? Nearly break my neck every day negotiating around the plastic storage bin full of crap I haven't looked at in years (literally), past the box of sofa cushion stuffing that I was going to "get around to replacing someday", balancing a full laundry basket. And I wonder where she gets the idea that it's okay to live like this!!

I wonder about what kind of messages we are sending to our kids. My son's dresser has two broken drawers, that have been sitting on his floor for a month or more (they broke at different times). What message are we sending to him by leaving his dresser drawers on the floor? That it's not important to fix things. And here we are, a year and a half later, with a bathroom that is still not completed (still need to put up the mirror, rewire the light above the shelves, finish installing the trim, and paint the doors & trim), a shed that is still not fully fixed nor painted! We might not consciously think about it, but we are letting ourselves say, "Later...later...later" and letting things deteriorate in our home and in our lives.

Because life is in the details. Those things niggle at us every time we see them. We might not think about them, but they bother us. They certainly bother me. And while we have small children, and we don't have much time in each day, we have enough time to putz around on the internet for several hours. We have enough time at the weekends to spend more money than we should at Walmart, and Target, and Costco. We have enough time to "relax" as a family every weekend. And I'm not saying that's not important. But it is EQUALLY important to have your house in order, both financially and literally. It is EQUALLY important to show your kids that sometimes even when you want to just sit down and relax, you have to keep moving and get some important tasks done. So we need to be more conscious of that urge to say, "Later." We need to step up and say, "Now." We need to take care of business more often, before the business takes care of us. I don't want to see my family, my house, my life deteriorate. I want to see improvement. And that means more "Nows", and letting the "Laters" take care of themselves.

Spring Cleaning

Yes, I still believe in spring cleaning. However, it has taken a different turn this year--it's been a financial house cleaning for us this spring. Yessir, the enormous refund we have received from our federal taxes is no more...we have rearranged our W-4s and can happily expect to maybe pay a little or get just a little back come next tax season. This is a good thing, because unlike many folks in America, we understand that giving Uncle Sam an interest-free loan is not good financial planning. Really if you want a tax "bonus" of a couple extra thousand dollars per year, adjust your W-4s and set up a savings account to which you automatically transfer the money that would otherwise go to Uncle Sam, and let yourself withdraw from it on April 15th. The beauty of that is not only will you still get the thousands, but you will have made some extra $$ on it too.

Anyhoo, we have improved our monthly cash flow thanks to that little change. This will be extremely helpful this summer when I'm not getting paid, and oh yeah we forgot about THIS expense, or THAT THING that we do for the kids or need to do for the kids right now but oops we didn't budget for it, how am I going to pay for that again? Things like, I don't know, our ten year anniversary weekend getaway that we are talking about doing, which will involve spending a decent amount of money. Oh sure, not in a thousands of dollars kind of way, or even a thousand dollars, but still, a fair whack of moola to throw down the tubes for a few days of family fun, know what I'm saying? So having that money pre-budgeted and knowing that yes, we CAN afford to do that, even when I'm not getting paid for three months, well that is a nice thing to know.

We are also refinancing our mortgage. Our interest rate is more than full percent higher than current 30 year rates, and seeing as we are not looking to move any time soon and we can recoup our costs for refinancing within a year, yeah, we are all over that! This move too will save us a pretty good amount of money on our mortgage, which allows us to speed up the debt paydown even further (family fun fest of a few days out of town notwithstanding). I realize that we are refinancing a mortgage which we have paid down for X years, to be paying again a higher percentage to interest, which kind of sucks. However, this enables us to pay off higher interest debt faster, which makes a lot of sense when you crunch the numbers. Therefore we are going full steam ahead with this plan, and have been conditionally approved for our refinance. Now we are submitting all the paperwork that proves, yes, we have these assets that we said we did, our house is worth what we said it's worth (here we are very blessed to live where we do in WA and not back in AZ where we used to live, ouch that would not be fun), and we are fine upstanding credit-worthy citizens with a great track record of paying what we owe, and therefore you want to own our mortgage. So all systems go, and hopefully in about 45 days we will be signing our new loan paperwork and saying hello to a new interest rate and a new lower mortgage payment.

Other than the financial stuff, I have only managed to get some new pillows for the family, get the sheets changed, and get the next size baby clothes out and deployed for our growing youngest. I hope that by tomorrow I will get caught up with the laundry, and maybe finish weeding my strawberry bed. If I can get any real housecleaning done on Friday, that will be a substantial bonus, but I'm not counting on it. Frankly, I am more pleased with the financial stuff than I would be with dusted picture frames or sewed curtain pockets. Hopefully I can get some of that done too, or get my daughter's room better organized (which will mean moving some toys out). However, I am happy with the blend of relaxing and work that has constituted most of this week. Next week we are back to our regularly scheduled work program, but it's nice to feel that a spring break is actually a *break* and still productive. Now, time to figure out when to start the vegetable garden prep...

Still Here, Just Busy

Well, let's just say the old blog has fallen off the priority list. Well, okay, it's practically fallen off a cliff, broken both of its legs and punctured a lung, but I'M HERE NOW TO GIVE LIFE SUPPORT AND YOU CAN JUST BACK OFF A LITTLE M'KAY? *ahem* A bit defensive we are, (channeling Yoda), yeah yeah, let's just say that 3(Kids) + Work + Life = Busy, and that means too busy to blog. Some days Busy = Tired or = Lazy or = Disinterested or = Distracted. There has been a lot going on around here.

In point of fact, I really ought to be grading my students' extra credit assignments right now, and answering a student's email, but frankly I just cannot do it, no I will NOT and you can't MAKE me, damn it! I am TIRED. That's TIRED, in case you didn't get my meaning. No matter how much my husband and I thought we kind of knew what to expect from having three kids, we didn't. Yeah, take the level of tiredness we thought we'd be facing, and multiply it by THREE. Totally underestimated the amount of sniping, irritation, and anger we would have toward each other due to the increased demands on our attention and energy. Any little things that used to sort of bother us have now become things that cause moments of eye twitching rage and smouldering irritation. And we did figure that out about four months ago, but nonetheless it is still very hard to remember that in a moment when one of us has just done something that really, truly pisses off the other person. And it's not like it's even big stuff, it's the little, insane bits that just gnaw at you, and even when your rational self says, "Self, this is not a big deal, this is something to work on later when we aren't crazy busy and sleep deprived all the time," it is still hard to see the bigger picture.

I am very glad that my husband and I took a good marriage class several years ago, B.C. (before children). It gave us some really good coping skills which we use daily. However, I think that the demands of 3 preschool children (including 1 infant) really exposes the microscale cracks in a marriage--and just like the effects of ice on cracks in concrete or asphalt, it widens them over time. Gary Chapman says no marriage is ever static--it's either getting better, or it's getting worse. And frankly I think my husband and I would both say ours has gotten slightly worse over the past seven or eight months. It's a small slide, but it's noticeable. It's noticeable when you say something that's not very nice to your spouse, and even if it's a product of a thoughtless or half-thought, it still hurts. And it hurts you too to realize you said something that hurt your spouse's feelings. After all, your marriage is a partnership and you are a team. It's depressing to find yourself saying or doing things that sabotage that, especially if that moment happens in front of your children--who are watching everything you do. And it's noticeable to have less time to yourselves, time to recharge and *be* and reconnect with each other. Sitting on the couch together is nice, but when you're both so tired that you're falling asleep, or zoning out on your laptop or to some TV program, that doesn't really count.

I would love to have a monthly date night, but the fact is that dates cost money, in the form of babysitters and at least a few bucks for a coffee somewhere. And we are trying to get ready for my long, lean, unpaid summer off, plus have the money to pay for finishing projects that can only be done in good weather, like the missing/rotting wall on our shed. And really, we just need to not be exhausted every night. It's very easy to tell ourselves, "this too shall pass", but given the fact that our three year old still wakes up most nights of the week needing something, and we have a seven month old baby...well, you do the math. That light at the end of that particular tunnel doesn't seem very bright or very close. Add in the fact that DH, who we are so very grateful to God remains gainfully employed, is now working EST hours, while we live PST. That makes for a really tough, long day. It's stressful, period.

I love my husband. I LOOOOOOOOOVE him. He does so many gorgeous, glorious, sexy, bad-ass wonderful things for me and our family. And I LOVE my kids. They are maddeningly glorious and messy and joyful dervishes whirling through life. LOVE IT ALL. It's just a lot to manage. Add in my own fantasy expectations for glorious, weed-free gardens, moss-free lawns, perfect vegetable garden, and perfectly organized, clean house (hahahaahahahahahahahahaa!!! AH HAHAHAHAHAAHAHA...no, really, I DO want an organized clean house...doesn't mean I know HOW to get there), and you have the need for serious priority-setting and realistic expectation setting. I know rationally that we are in a busy period of our lives. However, I also know that we have to do a certain amount of *maintenance* on our property and yards, in order to keep it from devaluing, and keep ourselves from creating massively expensive maintenance problems in the future. Figuring out exactly how much has to be done is the key, and this is only our second house, and our first older house. It's more of "a lot" on our plate, and we need to figure it out, because maybe then it will stop stressing me out.

Yet again we are having to adjust to the "new normal", the new parental strains, the new home ownership challenges, the new budgeting, etc. It's Life, and frankly sometimes I want to go back to being a whirling dervish myself and forget all this crap that constitutes life as a Certified Adult. Vacation, anyone? If I could only figure out how to pay for it.

Resolutions

It seems the things we want most to change are the hardest to change about ourselves. Of course it's the time of year for reflections and generous promises to 'do better' in some area(s) of life, but by March most of us have waved the white flag of surrender and are just trying to cope and keep it from getting WORSE, and WHO ARE YOU TO STICK YOUR NOSE IN THERE ANYWAY??

Unfortunately we often snap at the people who are trying to help us along on our self-declared change pathway. If my husband gently reminds me that I don't NEED dessert, I am more likely to want to eat it! Paradoxical creatures, aren't we? And it often seems like when we are just collecting a good head of steam to gain momentum in an area of change, we are confronted with obstacles that force redirection, and suddenly, we stall.

How many times have I said I want to lose weight? (A lot.) How many times have I said we really need to go to an all cash budgeting system? (A lot.) And yet here I am, same ol' same ol', two years running. And it's getting old, my friends. So old that I am convinced I am going about it in the wrong way.

A nice lady at our church, our women's ministry deacon, puts together periodic "snippet"-style Bible studies for our reading pleasure. Her newest one targets the Proverbs 31 woman. You know her--she's the quintessential picture of a woman who has it all together and benefits all who come in contact with her. She is confident in her faith and balances her family, business ventures, and charitable works, all seemingly without effort. Her family praise her as the best wife and mother. Yet, as my friend capably points out, we don't often feel we can meet her standard. And there is a reason for this--we can't. The fact is, I am cravenly human. I like to sit on my butt instead of sweating off calories. I KNOW that sweating off calories is good for me, but that doesn't mean that I ignore my flesh when it says, 'Oh but it's so comfy right here...you don't really need to lose that much weight, do you?' I also KNOW that reading my Bible daily is good for me. Yet how often do I choose to do sudoku puzzles or catch up on the news online instead of doing my Bible studies? How easy it is to choose to ignore the better thing, as Martha found, and focus on self and its comforts and its priorities.

I am not alone in my resolution fest. My husband, who hasn't ever met a vegetable he liked, is trying to incorporate vegetables into his diet. God bless him, this is a big step! His theory is that if he can just eat *some* vegetables with every meal, eventually he will like some of them and he'll not stop to think about eating them but they will just be part of the routine. He's not trying to eat a huge helping at every meal. Instead, he is eating a few mouthfuls and being satisfied with that progress, trusting that with time he will eat more.

I admire this approach, and one evening as I was reading my friend's "snippet" Bible study, I realized that daily time in God's Word can be approached the same way. Would it be better to spend every day doing part of my Precepts study, instead of cramming it all into one or two days? Yes, it certainly would! But the fact is that I am not in the habit of committing even five minutes to God's Word DAILY, let alone half an hour! So if I, too, take the approach of a "few mouthfuls" of Scripture daily, then I can "taste and see that the LORD is good," and increase my appetite for daily time in His Word. Is it a perfect plan? No, no more than my plan to increase my exercise and decrease my bad food choices in favor of better ones. But, it's a start...and really, isn't that what New Year's resolutions are about?

Being There

Here we are, almost a month on from when my world was cracked & shaken a bit, and my friend's world broke into pieces. The memorial service is over, the burial has taken place, and she & her family are trying to pick up the pieces and find some new form of "normal". My heart is still aching for them, but while I carry a stone of grief, they are carrying a boulder. It is so hard to know what is the best way to help, and after an initial flurry of practical help for meals, etc, now it is clear that the best way I (we, my family & I) can help them is to just be there for them.

Today was good, I think. She came over for a playdate, and their surviving daughter (almost 3) had a good time playing with our oldest two kids. Of course my eldest DD is the same age as her sister was, so she felt comfortable with her. And she has been over many times before for playdates, so she knows where stuff is, what our house is like, what kinds of toys we have, etc. It was so nice to see her running around with my kids and just being a regular *kid*, not being shy and quiet and clingy. She didn't want to leave when it was time to go, which I think was the best compliment she could have paid to my kids. They all had a ball, playing dress up and make-believe games with cats and fairies and all the other shiny, bubbly pretend games that kids at those ages love to play.

My friend is coping so well. Of course everything is so skewed--she said her house is "so quiet, too quiet". I cannot express adequately how my heart hurts for her. She is trying to figure out what could possibly be the reason for this, and of course she doesn't have an answer. She believes there is a reason for everything, and she hopes that the press coverage about the death has helped some parents who were on the fence about the H1N1 vaccine, to get the vaccine for their kids. She said so many little things remind her of her daughter--she will be going along, and think she is doing okay for a while, and something else comes forward to remind her of her child and then she's back to the beginning again. She's sick of people asking her how she is doing. Of course she is! She can't even go Christmas shopping for their surviving child without facing an array of toys that instantly remind her of her firstborn, the "Oh, ________ would love that!" and that split second realization that there isn't a child at home to buy it for, any more.

Grief is so hard, because it is so intensely personal. Everyone does it differently. I can only hope, that in being there to listen and sympathize and cry alongside her, that I can help ease my friend's grief for just a moment or two, a little at a time. I know she & her husband are going to carry this with them for the rest of their lives on this earth, but I hope that the edges soften for them, sooner rather than later. It is really the worst thing I have seen anyone go through, and the worst thing I have gone through, even flitting along the edges. I would not wish it on anyone. It is no wonder that death is described as the enemy in the Bible. I just keep asking God to gather them in His arms and keep them in His hand, because He's the only one who can and has defeated this ultimate enemy. I am still sad.

Grieving

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He is Dead.
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

W.H. Auden

My daughter lost a friend today, my friend lost her daughter today. I guess it was yesterday, now. Wow. I am seeking comfort from the One who made me, He who mourns with me and is the ultimate Comforter. I am praying that my friend, her husband, her surviving daughter, that they all feel God's Hands and warmth and hugs now. I will miss their bright, spunky, beautiful princess. It will be so hard, that first time that I bring my daughter to preschool, and see that their daughter is no longer there...after two years of school together, and tight friendship and playdates and always chatting with my friend while dropping off/picking up our daughters. My friend will not be there. I am so, so sad.

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ."

2 Corinthians 1:3-5

Tolerance = Agreement

Well here in WA state we are facing an upcoming election. On Tuesday, November 3rd, voters are being asked to vote on a variety of local elections, and two big state referendums. One concerns limiting state and local governments general funds in a manner that ties it to income and inflation, with the rest being kicked back in the form of property tax cuts, á la Prop. 13 in California. The other is Prop. 71, which states:

This bill would expand the rights, responsibilities, and obligations accorded state-registered same-sex and senior domestic partners to be equivalent to those of married spouses, except that a domestic partnership is not a marriage.

Here's the backstory: Voters in WA passed in 1998 a Defense of Marriage act which defined marriage in Washington state to be the traditional marriage between one man and one woman. In May 2009 Governor Christine Gregoire signed into law a bill passed by the state legislature to grant all the rights heretofore accorded to married couples to domestic partnerships, which essentially gave all the legal rights of marriage without the name "marriage". The supporters of traditional marriage in WA accordingly collected signatures and filed a petition to refer this new law for referendum and approval by the voters, as they are allowed to do under the state constitution. Therefore this measure is now on the ballot for the November 3rd election.

Here is the real nitty gritty issue with this referendum--and I'm not talking about the referendum itself. Instead, I'm talking about the hullabaloo that has cropped about around the petition to refer this legislation to the ballot. In particular, there has been a nasty legal tussle about the identities of signers of the petition to put Prop. 71 on the ballot. Opponents of Prop. 71 have argued that the petition is a matter of public record and therefore all the identities of the signers should be released. There are two organizations that have been created which promise to publish the list of signers as soon as they are made public: knowthyneighbor.org, and whosigned.org . Proponents of Prop. 71 have argued that petition signing is a form of political speech, and therefore protected (and private/secret) under the 1st Amendment to the U.S. Constitution.

The big problem I have here is that there are people and judges/courts that actually agree that these names should be made public! Since when does signing a political petition to get an issue on a ballot NOT constitute political speech?? Ummmmmm, the last time I checked, I wasn't required to show anyone my ballot choices before I put it into the ballot box. And the same goes for signing my NAME on any petition to get something ONTO that ballot! You might as well require folks to sign their name and initial next to every ballot choice, because requiring public disclosure of petition signers' identities amounts to that.

The Washington Secretary of State had argued that the names needed to be released according to the Washington Public Records Act. Apparently the Secretary of State has not read this particular piece of legislation, because when I looked it up in WA's law books I found this interesting tidbit about invasion of privacy:

A person's "right to privacy," "right of privacy," "privacy," or "personal privacy," as these terms are used in this chapter, is invaded or violated only if disclosure of information about the person: (1) Would be highly offensive to a reasonable person, and (2) is not of legitimate concern to the public.

Now I would certainly argue that, given that the organizations geared up to publish this data are called "Know Thy Neighbor" and "Who Signed", there is a great deal of offense being taken about who signed this petition. Secondly, I would also point out that signing a petition to refer a measure to the ballot does not necessarily indicate how a person would vote. It could well be that people signed the petition with the idea that they wanted to vote for the law and give their voter seal of approval to it.

Furthermore, I also found when I read the Public Records Act that petitions to refer legislation to ballot are not included in RCW 42.56.070, the subsection that details which types of records must be made public. And, even if these types of documents were included, there is again a specific clause protecting privacy which states, "To the extent required to prevent an unreasonable invasion of personal privacy interests protected by this chapter, an agency shall delete identifying details in a manner consistent with this chapter when it makes available or publishes any public record; however, in each case, the justification for the deletion shall be explained fully in writing."

This is a big deal, folks, and it's not going to go away. The U.S. Supreme Court has waded in to uphold a restraining order preventing the release of signers' identities, but the whole case is on appeal and will probably end up in the U.S. Supreme Court before all is said and done. It has made the Colbert Report, with Stephen Colbert satirizing the lawsuit and those who are arguing that the signatures should remain private. Proponents of Prop. 71 argue that traditional marriage supporters are being subjected to harassment and intimidation similar to what supporters of California's Prop. 8 experienced. That's ugliness at its worst, and it's not getting better.

What I'd like is for somebody to tell me how this is "tolerance"? It's tolerant to demand the names of people who sign a petition to refer a law to the ballot, because you need to "know your neighbor"? How so? What exactly about their signature on a ballot petition is in any way your business? What is essentially being argued for here is, "if you don't agree with me or I think you are giving the appearance to me, of not agreeing with me, I need to know about it". So really, "tolerance" means "agreement". Because if you don't agree with me, then I need to know about it. I don't think so.

I'm sorry, I hadn't realized that the right to maintain a difference of opinion means I give up my right to privacy at the ballot box and other legally mandated rights as a voter, which includes the petition process. I'm not buying it, and I'm betting the U.S. Supreme Court won't either (here's a hint...only one justice on the court disagreed with the restraining order being upheld). But it's very disturbing to me that such a large number of people seem to think they have a right to identify people who sign a ballot petition. This is a disturbing trend toward stripping rights away from folks just because they disagree with the perceived "mainstream" opinion. The fact that so many states have passed "defense of marriage" legislation at the ballot box ought to be a pretty good indicator that the "mainstream" opinion as given by the media is not really so "mainstream" after all.

Randomania

I've been super, über busy lately, so this blog is going to be a real shotgun blast of stuff.

• Why is it that all infants seem to have a "poopy" outfit? You know, the one outfit that you put the kid in, and guaranteed that they will have a huge blowout diaper sometime during the day while they are wearing it? Granted this can be handy if you think your baby is getting constipated, but it also always seems to be the cutest outfit that you have for the baby that is chosen as the "poopy" outfit by the baby.
• Grading sucks. No, really, 250 assignments/quizzes/labs to grade per week is a tad much given my (scanty but I will take it TYVM) pay rate. However, on the plus side, students' handwriting on their homework assignments gets really amusing when you're grading at 11:30 pm and have been awake since 7 am.
• Please get a flu shot, preferably both seasonal and H1N1. I will not tell you the number of times I have been tilting at windmills in some internet forums about this lately, but it really is important for everyone who is able, to get immunized. If you want to read about why vaccines are safe, check out the CDC's website (they are not part of a vast government conspiracy, folks--they are just scientists who are trying to do their job and protect the public health according to scientifically proven evidence that has passed rigorous peer review). The very young kiddos (like my baby) and immunocompromised individuals who cannot be immunized are reliant on the general population getting the flu shot to prevent it from spreading. Flu kills 36,000 people per year in America. If more people were vaccinated, that number would directly decrease. If you could prevent one car accident where someone would die, wouldn't you? So please get immunized.
• Grading sucks. Did I say that already? Well, it does.
• A two year old and a four year old squabbling nearly constantly for the entirety of the day is quite draining for the parents. It seems like discipline falls on deaf ears (and numb bottoms, when spankings are required). At some point they will outgrow this, right? Right??
• This economy, it majorly sucketh. My husband is still in limbo-land regarding his job, but from all indications from much higher-ups, he is safe and a bunch of other folks, are about to lose their jobs. You know that old saw about being in the top 10% of employees at work, and that will protect your job? Yeah, it's holding true here. He is going to be reporting to a higher up, so that is sort of a back-door promotion-with-no-pay-raise-or-title-change. Now those other folks are going to be unemployed, and I pray that God will provide a better job for them for their sakes. But it does not feel good to be unemployed, especially leading up to Christmas. Now my husband will continue doing the jobs of four people, and add in the jobs of others who will be let go. Needless to say, he is tired from the demands on his skills and energy. I feel sorry for him, and selfishly (cravenly) glad that he still has a job. I do not know what we would do if he lost his job--we would be in big, big trouble.
• Speaking of which, the old emergency fund is on life support, and we need to resuscitate it pronto. My salary, it helps. But we have Ye Olde Debt to pay off, and we also have a terrible economy. So while credit card companies are raising interest rates even for good customers (ouch), I have a non-existent emergency fund that I need to rebuild. These two things are mutually exclusive, yes? So we need to find the right balance here. We also have to buckle down majorly on the expenditures. M-A-J-O-R-L-Y. I am seriously thinking we need to declare debit cards off-limits entirely. We are just blowing way past our grocery budget and eating out budget and entertainment/crap/clothes/everything else budget. Hell, what budget? That's been the mindset around here, and owies, that costs. A serious spending freeze and the reign of King Cash, Only and Verily Yea Even for Gas, Deposit Ye Olde Cash at Bank and then Go Straight to Costco Gas Do Not Pass GO Do Not Collect $200 or Even a Measly Starbucks on the Way.

*sigh* It's a lot to be juggling. I have dropped the ball and fallen down and scraped my nose and elbow and knee on the budget and the blood on the spreadsheet, it is not good. I have Christmas presents to buy and I want to take advantage of good deals as they pop up, but I have to be really conscious of what it actually *costs* to just "throw something on the credit card and pay it off later". Because "later" is really expensive, so that makes it not such a good deal, huh? Yes, I still suck at basic math even WITH a PhD (not really but somehow my brain goes "Lalalalala!" when it comes to doing math with OUR MONEY as opposed to some other scientific number crunching). Failed juggler, that's me. Time to pick up all the balls again and start juggling madly. There is grading/budgeting/laundry calling my name. Stay tuned.